Social anxiety - toddler

[FolkSongSweet]

My DS is 2.5. He’s never been to nursery but pre lockdown went to lots of groups and classes and we have lots of friends with kids of different ages so he’s spent plenty of time with other children and adults.

Anyway, in the last few months he seems to have become incredibly shy and actively avoids contact with other people. He will hide his face and pretend to cry if we see friends and some family, sometimes escalating to full blown lying on the floor tantrums until they go away, when he immediately reverts to his usual self. We do various classes by zoom and he refuses to participate, again crying and screaming.

He’s very advanced in many ways - a precocious talker (at his 2 year check the HV said he was the level they expect of a 4 year old) and generally quite emotionally mature as well, which is why this behaviour is really baffling. Baby 2 is due imminently and I was hoping we’d be able to get out to some groups and things once she’s born (Covid permitting) but now wondering if he’ll just hate it. I didn’t want to send him to nursery at the same time the baby arrives in case he feels pushed out but maybe that’s what he needs? Or would it be cruel as basically his worst nightmare?

Is this a normal phase, or a reaction to covid or the baby coming? And does anyone have tips on how to make it better?

My son was like this, starting at about 3 months old . He would scream the place down if we had visitors. Eventually, it turned into him crying and needing to be with me, then as he got older, hiding in his room.

He did grow out of it, probably around age 3 or 3.5.

I think offering reassurance in these situations can help (even if it means he clings to you the entire time), and trying your best not to completely avoid such situations. It's hard-going, I know.

Zoom classes are difficult for young kids - do you think he finds it overwhelming?

Zoom classes are difficult for young kids - do you think he finds it overwhelming?

I agree - I honestly don’t see any point whatsoever in doing zoom classes with a baby or small child. Do they really get anything out of it?

The zoom classes are online versions of real life ones he used to go to - a language one and a music one (the language one is mainly songs). He adores music and sings the songs from both classes loads, and he knows the teachers and other class members, so I think he does get stuff from them. He will eventually calm down and listen and then enjoy it, but the beginning is a nightmare and always starts with a tantrum.

Tbh it’s not really the zoom stuff I care about - I only mentioned it because he seems to hate socialising in every context. It’s more that when we bump into a friend on the street he will go mental and I can’t even have a conversation, never mind him getting any interaction himself.

It seems to have come on pretty quickly. He was always a shy baby and liked having all of my attention, but it s got markedly worse recently and I thought that this was the age where he’d actually want to start interacting with peers, rather than hiding from them.

I’d say you’re over analysing him - and expecting a bit much from him. He is little more than a baby and it is still perfectly acceptable for him to have tantrums and not to have developed social skills.

My youngest is 2 and she would probably have a tantrum if I tried to make her to do a zoom class or if we bumped into friends of mine and she felt bored and wanted to go.

If your son does turn out to be shyas he grows up then you just need to let him know he is perfect just the way he is.

I don’t have any problem with him being shy - DH and I are both quite introverted. It’s more that he has suddenly developed extreme reactions to seeing other children and me speaking to anyone else. If that’s normal then great! I was just worried it was because of something I’d done (not providing enough social opportunities) or because of covid or both.

For example, we’ve met up with our NCT group regularly since birth so he knows all the kids very well. They all used to ignore each other but recently we’ve been at the park and the others have all played/interacted with each other and he’s hidden his face/run away/thrown a tantrum or all 3. He’s the only child behaving like this in any situation I’ve ever been in.

It could just be that he is going through a phase of being more sensitive, for whatever reason. These things can be challenging to pinpoint. If you feel that he's more sensitive or intense than most in other situations too, I'd recommend the book Raising Your Spirited Child.