My son hates me

[LilianJahme]

Hello
I'm reaching out to Mumsnet. I'm in despair. My son has just turned 23. Since around the age of 17 he has become increasingly vicious in his criticisms of me. He (N) places himself on the righteous path, adheres to all political correctness and accuses me of bigotry. I've been a single parent since N was age 3. N's father is autistic and there are enormous unrecognised mental health problems in his father's family. N hasn't seen his father since he was about age 10 (& neither have I). His father bullied him - the impetus for me to leave. Since N reached adulthood, I've become aware N is on the autism spectrum, but not nearly as impaired as his father. He also has dyslexia, ADD, dyspraxia, anxiety, seizures, depression & was diagnosed age 10 & supported to age 16 by CAMHS. N is academic & age 16 he won a scholarship to a private sixth form, but they screwed up his Alevels as they didn't understand his SEN & consequently, he didn't get any exams & didn't go to Oxbridge (or any uni) as predicted. Since lockdown he's lived in his friend's family's pool house as his friend's family are in the US. My heart is broken. N & I used to be so close. N & I used to be so content in each other's company, we loved each other deeply. Now N can't bear seeing me. I am an academic working in biomedical research. Yesterday I told N that Germain Greer is correct and trans women are not the same as biological women and he destroyed me by piling on insult after insult, alleging I am a bigot & transphobe & how ashamed of me he is. The very few times I hear from him is when he wants money. He doesn't seem to remember his younger years when he loved me. N lives in the pool house with his girlfriend. She is on the autism spectrum and has had a lot of problems. She doesn't like me. She is Polish and they are planning to marry asap & move to Germany. After one of these incidents when he feels morally obliged to attack me over his (unfounded) accusation I'm a bigot, he never ever apologises and I just have to try to forget it & move on. However, each time I'm left evermore poleaxed and feeling physically sick. I get the same stomach cramps his father caused when I used to live with him. It's getting harder for me to psychically recover. I don't know how to cope with the sadness, I also don't have the pragmatism to get the best outcome from a bad situation. It just makes me feel suicidal. If I try to take him through one of our arguments once dust has settled, he denies & blames me. I feel very alone with this. I heard Mumsnet being spoken of on yesterday's Woman's Hour and today I'm reaching out. If this story resonates please let me know your thoughts. Thank you for reading.

If you know you have very different opinions and your relationship is struggling then why did you decided to talk about something which would just cause and argument?

So sorry you are going through this. His treatment of you also seems to be bullying. Don't give him money and don't try to go over old arguments with him - avoid anything political or moral with him for that matter. It sounds like he cannot cope with people disagreeing with him. Try to focus on rebuilding the relationship based on who you both are and keep outside influence out of it.

Thanks. I didn’t raise the issue. I never raise politics with him. He emailed me links to online videos & wanted me to comment. The videos were of a trans gender activist pis sentence their agenda. They spoke of Greer & made a number of biological / genetic / chemical falsehoods. My son knows I work in biomedical science. I’m not going to lie or misrepresent science.

Thanks. I will try. I feel fatalistic. I think the situation can only get worse.

It is interesting that he emailed you asking for comment. He is keeping in contact with you, despite the ‘hate’. And he either wants to know what you think or, wanted to engineer a confrontation.
Perhaps you are a safe person to vent on for him. Or, he needs you to interact with him so he can define himself in opposition to you or work out his thinking in some way.
Whatever it is, it is incredibly hard for you. I suggest refusing to debate. And refusing to send money, but telling him you are open to talking to him about anything else. Like having another crack at exams and getting on in life.

Thanks @HighNetGirth I think your interpretation encapsulates the situation. I feel sad for both of us & for the long term consequences of him not (apparently) feeling the fullness of the negative impact that he causes. He just doesn’t seem to care & doesn’t pull the reigns back.

Perhaps you need to reiterate, firmly, that you are not his whipping boy, though you are very happy to have a relationship with him as his mother. I know it's easy for me to say, though.

Next time he tries to get you to engage in a conversation in which you know he will pile on your beliefs or opinions, shut it down.

Tell him "I'm not discussing that topic with you. Let's change the subject". If that doesn't work, end the call.

Let him crack on with his life and look to just making your own life nice for yourself.

Honestly.. Would you let anyone else treat you like this? No.. So don't let him. Agree with PP he is using you as whipping boy and keeps coming back at you for a reaction... You have two choices... Refuse to debate/react to him or distance yourself.

Well I suppose you have a third... Continue as is... But as it's making you so sad and suicidal I honestly think you need to step back. It'd be different if he was 14.. But he isn't... He is a grown adult who will soon be moving away

Thanks @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I'm going to try to just push on & make myself happy.

Thanks @happytoday73 I agree with you. My only choice is to distance myself.

It's very sad to me that he (apparently) wants to push me away.

There's never any going back. We can't undo what's done.

Oh, I don't know about that. Often they come back to you once they've learned that life is hard and Mum wasn't actually wrong about everything.

If we had your sons half of the story I imagine it would be very different to yours. I’m not suggesting the situation is your fault, simply that the situation is probably very complicated and no doubt your and your son both probably feel that the other is the one causing an issue.

I agree with a PP comments about not engaging in conversation about social/political/whatever issues with him, even if he tries to instigate one. Clearly you have different opinions and clearly talking about those leads to anger.

I also agree that you should be firm around not letting him be unkind to you or use you as someone to vent frustration at. No need to continue a conversation if he is being rude, you can simply end it.

Are there things that you both enjoy that you can focus on? What is your relationship like with his girlfriend, have you had an opportunity to get to know her or spent time with them together? Is it possible to arrange to do something like have dinner together.

I hope this suggestion doesn’t come across as rude but I think also it may be important to take an honest look at yourself to see if there are things you do or say that might contribute to the issue. I say that as someone who has recently reflected on a broken down friendship and realised that maybe I contributed to the issues more than I cared to admit at the time our friendship was struggling.

I think parent- child relationships can be incredible complicated, especially when the child grows and the relationship dynamic changes.

Just to add that I really hope you get a positive change, but if not it’s ok to prioritise your own well-being.