Dd 13 how do I get her out of the door on time for things?

[Watermelon999]

Dd13- stubbornly laid back about getting up, getting dressed, getting ready and getting out of the door.

It causes a lot of stress as she will not be dressed even if we need to leave in 5-10 mins. Especially as I like to be on time for things.

We encourage her to set an alarm but she won’t, wake her up early but she doesn’t get up and then when she does likes to take her time getting ready and won’t leave house without hair and makeup done.

She finds it a big joke, isn’t bothered at all, is late even if we’re doing something nice that she wants to do.

So frustrating, what can I do?

Consequences. She is not ready on time, you do not take her. You leave on time. She stays. She is 13, so you should be able to leave her for 1 hour or so. No phone, no computer.

Go without her, taking her phone/tablet/laptops when you leave. Dont wait even 5 mins. Dock a fiver off her pocket money every time it happens. I did this to my 11yo once and shes never let it happen again. She still messes round for a while and is often walking out the door brushing her hair but shes never made me late since.

How late is she for events with her friends? DD is a Daisy Day dreamer for school and anything I want, but if it's her mates she is ready on time! Telling her I could quite happily be late for her friends makes her speed up, lol. I haven't done it, but the fact I could (and would!) worries her enough to put in the effort.

I find that if I tell mine she had to go to bed half hour earlier so she can make up the time in the mornings because she struggling so much as she is clearly really tired and can’t function or can go to bed at 7.30 with her younger sibling with no tech etc it does the trick. Screen time limits on all apps until a certain time of morning as well until everything is done.

Let her be late, if she is late for school she has to deal with the consequences, if she is late for leaving the house on a family trip she doesnt get to come.

School- not too bad, usually leaves 5 mins late (walks herself) but needs prompting lots re: what the time is as otherwise I’m sure she’d just carry on watching tv, checking phone etc in dream world. Frequently forgets pe kit (about 3 x already this term)...is a dreamer. (I am the opposite so very frustrating).

Weekends/evening activities (including getting homework done, exercise clubs etc), like torture...prioritises relaxation over getting anything done. Frequently ends up with dh or me shouting, which increases stress all round. Otherwise I don’t think anything would get done ever. Is very stubborn. Have left her at home which helped next time, but then slips back into old ways.

Meeting friends....bit better but still often late.

The only thing which I can remember her getting up and ready quickly for was times in the past when we’ve been getting up early to go on a plane.

Ps my mums advice was leave her to it (pre lockdown) and let her have to deal with the consequences. My mum was staying with us at the time and I think she thought I was making a mountain out of a molehill.

On the first day dd forgot her pe kit and my mum took it to school for her, by the end of the week she was tearing her hair out too.

It’s laid back to the point of horizontal....

Remove her phone.
Not just when she is doing it, but the night before and inform her that her phone will be given back to her when she has been ready 10 minutes before leaving time the next day. So, take phone on Sunday night. She gets it back on Monday after school if she was ready 10 minutes before leaving time. Remove the phone and bedtime and repeat.If she wasnt ready, then no phone back and she can try again the next day.

If she is not ready 10 minutes before leaving time 3 days in a row, then change the wifi password and she doesnt get internet access for a week.

Once she has shown that she will consistently be ready on time, she can have her phone back permanently.

You need to start enforcing consequences. She isnt laid back; she is just plain rude. Being late shows that she thinks her time is more important that other people's time. It's not a quirky character trait. Its rude.

Take her phone away.

Take away all tech, all TV, all distractions. Complete hard-ass no-exceptions everything must be ready and you dressed with all your stuff before anything is given back...

Homework - first thing when she gets in.
Activities - changed & ready to go first time before any screens/snacks etc

Set Alexa reminders for everything (saves you nagging & timekeeping)

@NoSquirrels

Do you just go through life assuming everyone has alexa in their house?
I have an echo device in every room of the house, but I've never just assumed that everyone else does.

What a bizarre addition to your otherwise very good advice.

Sorry, Wherever, I’m sure I should have said ‘If you have an Alexa, or Google Home, or Siri, you could set reminders as then it saves you nagging & timekeeping’.

Was just shorthand for a thought I had as it helps in our house. Of course I don’t assume everyone has one! What an assumption to make about me I was just being lazy on the typing and assuming that OP would take any relevant advice and leave any irrelevant, as it suited them.

MN is chippy today! I’ve also been told off for making my DC superstitious and irrational on another thread. I can’t decide if I’m thoroughly too modern or hopelessly stuck in the past.

Just leave her to it. I wouldn't be getting myself stressed out reminding and cajoling, it's obviously not working so why bother. I'd give maybe one 10 or 15 min warning if your giving all going out or giving her a lift but otherwise she can crack on, it's not your problem.

I wouldn't take a PE kit in for a repeat offender, I don't mind once in a while for someone who usually remembers but not for someone who plain can't be arsed.

If your child, at 13, is consistently late for school then it is your problem.

She is still a child. You're the parent. It is your job to teach her things like timekeeping and respect for other people's time.

Please ignite @notso. When your kids are still children, their issues are very much still your problem.

Omg. What a terrible typo. Dont ignite anybody!!

Does she also struggle to focus on homework etc? What do her teachers report about her progress at school? If she struggles with those things too then you might want to research about ADHD (esp inattentive type). ADHD can't present very differently in girls; day-dreamy, apparent lack of motivation to get things done, forgetfulness, time-blindness and an inability to learn from mistakes. I have it and it's hard to read people always just assuming that kids are lazy/not bothered when there could be something behind that.. or not but thought it was worth pointing out.

Obviously I meant it CAN present very differently in girls!

Barring if adhd or similar is in play - and we don't know that it is it sounds like normal distracted and disorganised teen to me

I agree with natural consequences which includes no phone, no tv on when getting ready to go somewhere and alarm set for the morning on whatever device no arguments.

My own dd had a little of this when starting high school, I put my foot down, got her a loud old fashioned alarm clock which was well out of reach for her while she was in bed so she had to get out to turn it off, and consequences if she was still late.

If she forgot her pe kit or whatever and school gave her consequences - tough! After just a couple of such incidents she decided on her own reminders for such things and didn't forget them again, she asked me to get her a whiteboard and year planner poster thing which she wrote things on and I was happy to get for her.

If she made me late for something that was important to me then she missed out on something important to her. Again didn't have to do it more than a coupe times before she "got it" and didn't make me late again

There was also carrot as well as stick, if she was ready in plenty of time for something such that we could leave early that meant I could do something fun with her for a little while or we could take a route she liked maybe passing a shop she liked and I'd get her a small treat as a reward/natural positive consequence. It might be something as simple as "we're running about 15 mins early we can get an icy or a milkshake on the way if you like"

And this helped too.

What also helped was her realising herself how nice it is NOT to be stressed and rushing and maybe forget stuff.

Remove the phone the night before and she gets it back once out the front door and why is the tv even on in the morning. Unplug it!

@WhereverIGoddamnLike thanks for not igniting me!

I agree it's the parents job to teach this but nagging and getting stressed out isn't going to teach anyone anything.
Letting them be late and then deal with the consequences can help them learn, it was a recommended technique in the 'parenting a teen' classes that were held when my older DC were in Secondary.

Thanks all! Great suggestions. Probably need to be more consistent.

@NoSquirrels... we do have alexas!!

@ThatGirl82... no reports of any of that from any teacher in any year yet so far. I have looked it up myself in the past and seen a few similarities, but presumed school would have flagged this up at some point. I do think there are problems with being organised, but it is slowly improving.... thanks though!

Leave her behind. Take away her privileges...

@notso

Usually I would agree with that, but it does sound like this girl actually doesnt care about the consequences and is quite happy to just accept whatever happens.

OP says that instead of getting ready, she us sitting on her phone. I really dont understand why she still has the phone.