Stressed, shouting, mum guilt. Help!

[LancesGold]

Just feeling so shitty about my mothering skills at the moment and could really use some advice or at least reassurance I’m not the only one!

Single mum to two year old twins for the last ten months. They don’t see their dad. I love them more than anything in this world but at the moment I’m finding myself getting short tempered and shouting at them far more than is ideal I’m always overcome with remorse immediately afterwards and apologise, but I really need to stop and I don’t know how. I tell myself tomorrow will be better but at the moment it never is.

They are such happy, lovely children and they deserve the best mum in the world. I just feel laden down by guilt 24/7 to a degree that I know isn’t normal. I’ve been for a few counselling sessions but I don’t feel that it’s helping so far.

How do I stay calmer? I really need some advice please.

I feel like I can’t talk to my family/friends about how I’m feeling. They all tell me I’m doing a great job, but they don’t see the times I get short tempered and stressed!

That sounds really tough! I was going to write out a reply but just realised I pretty much said exactly the same thing to another Mum who just made a similar thread to this.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4050748-Cried-in-front-of-her-can-t-control-her?msgid=100853264#100853264

What is driving your anger? Could you speak to your HV about parenting classes or similar? It's admirable that you've recognised this is an issue - as the child of a shouty parent i can't tell you how much i wish my mother had your self awareness.

@LancesGold I can't even imagine how hard that is for you. I have a ten month old DD and a husband and I still find being a mother to be tough. I'm ashamed to say that I've roared at DD a few times - I find mealtimes especially hard, when she's rolling around in her high chair, spitting food out, whinging and complaining . . . same as you though, I feel huge guilt about it and I know I need to stop. I'm definitely getting better - I just ask myself, does it matter if she doesn't eat this? Does it matter if she can't sit still right now? And no, I then realise that in the grand scheme of things, a disastrous lunch doesn't matter and that seems to calm me down.

When do you tend to feel the stress that leads to the shouting? Is it a particular time of day?

@DaisyandRibbons thank you I’ll have a look

@Ohalrightthen I think my anger comes from just generally feeling overwhelmed. I’m angry at my ex for being a shit. Angry at his family for not (in my opinion) caring for his D.C. like they should. I feel such immense pressure all the time and so guilty they have no dad I’ve read so much about parenting etc. that I honestly don’t think I need parenting classes as such. I’m just struggling with the sheer relentlessness of caring for two toddlers alone.

@RedPandaFluff I think I get triggered quite badly then they repeatedly do something I’ve asked them not to. Generally that involves one clobbering the other repeatedly. I get overwhelmed with the constant need for attention from them
Both sometimes as well. It’s a cliche but I feel so touched out sometimes. I feel even worse because they are genuinely lovely and easy going children. I know I’m really lucky to have such chilled toddlers yet I still get stressed.

I just find motherhood so overwhelming. The guilt eats me up. I worry constantly that they’ll grow up unhappy, depressed & resentful of me. I have depression myself and I don’t want it to rub off on them. I try so hard to be cheerful for them.

Do you have any support? Family who could help? Do they go to nursery? I think if possible you need a bit of space, even just a few hours away so you can come back stronger and calmer

@Daisydaisy3 They go to nursery two days a week but I’m at work when they do. My parents help out but again I’m generally at work when they have them. They’ll take them if I’ve got a hair appointment, want the odd night out etc. too. I don’t really have any chill time though or time to peruse a hobby etc. I used to ride and I’ve ridden twice since they were born.

I fantasise about running away for a week just to recharge. I know in reality I’d miss them too much though. I went to Edinburgh for a few days in January and couldn’t wait to get home

I’ve just bought the book ‘How to talk so little kids will listen’So going to start reading that. I sometimes hear myself slipping into phrases my parents used to use on me and I don’t want to be that parent!

I've got one 2yo and a hands on OH and it's bloody hard work so you're like super mum to me! It can be really frustrating - we had a 30 minute stand off yesterday about DD using the potty when she was clearly desperate.

There's nothing wrong with switching the TV on and going and hiding in the kitchen with a cup of tea and a biscuit for a quick breather. Engaging with counselling sounds positive. Is there anything you can do of an evening when their in bed that might help you unwind a bit? A craft hobby, activity over zoom or an online exercise class?

@Disappointedkoala Oh God, don’t even mention potty training My DM is constantly on my back to start training mine. The thought of trying to train two toddlers on my own exhausts me so much that I keep putting it off. I don’t know where to start. They won’t even sit on their potties!

I try to hide but they just follow me! Then I feel guilty for trying to hide. You can’t win can you?

I used to do exercise DVDs etc. but once they are asleep I’m that knackered that I just go to bed as well once I’ve tidied up. I’ve got a book on my nightstand that’s not been touched for three weeks! My friend was telling me recently that her husband does bed time with their toddler every night so she can work on her online craft shop. I could have cheerfully punched her

Tbh as a single mum I’m pretty much resigned to having no time for myself. It just isn’t possible. There’s always so much to do and it all falls on you. I just want to work harder at not letting the resentment spill over onto my children. I know I’m reacting badly to things because I feel bad.