My anxiety or daughter on spectrum?

[Miriam101]

Taken me a lot of courage to write this so please be kind. I am struggling.

DD is 3.5 and up until recently I had zero concerns about her. Lovely sunny disposition, easy-going, chatty, funny, well-behaved, great sleeper and eater, etc etc. A total joy, basically. I adore her. But over the past few weeks I have become gripped by worry over her development and the possibility she could have Aspergers.

I say “gripped” because it really feels like that. I have become obsessed with it, studying her behaviour for traits and going over and over things in my head. Down rabbit holes on the internet which sometimes bring relief and reassurance and often more things to be worried about. It’s hell, to be honest. It’s preventing me from enjoying her as I’m mentally somewhere else, trying to hide my concern as she does something that could feasibly be construed a “red flag”.

I flit between thinking that she may have autism, and thinking that the real problem is me: I have had this kind of anxiety before at stressful points in my life and it often revolves around my greatest fears. At the moment I am acutely sleep deprived as we have a new baby. I’m so tired and I think it might be messing with my head, post natal anxiety focused on my other child (not even I can find anything to worry about with DS- he’s a delight!)

My concerns about DD are -
that she is more into socialising with adults than children. Her preschool say she plays with other kids but enjoys time on her own too.

• she sometimes smells us (!!) and pulls a funny face which I think can be a stim (probably not more than once or twice a day)
• she sometimes repeats what we say...but is very capable of good to and fro conversation.
• she sometimes repeats the same sentence over and over again
• she hates having her hair washed, screams etc. Also hates hand dryers.
• she has been described as “quirky” by people in the past.
• sometimes she eeems to go in on herself, if that makes sense. Often after preschool she is very quiet.

She’s my first child and I have no idea what’s normal and what’s not. I have read that girls with ASD present differently and that they can mask well- which makes me worry so much. She’s on track for all other development stuff, always met her milestones, loves chatting to us and other adults, plays nicely with friends’ kids, and shows interest in them, is easy going with routines being changed, flexible etc. Plays imaginatively. Doesn’t have obsessions. If she tantrums they’re short lived.

I’d be grateful if anyone would say if it sounds like I am the problem here, or whether I’m right to worry. I keep reading that a parent should follow their gut instinct on this stuff- but what if my instincts are the product of anxiety?

By the way, I don’t mean that my greatest fear would be her having asd. We would be fine, I know that, and she would still be the same wonderful girl. I don’t know why I’m so obsessed by it.

- she sometimes repeats the same sentence over and over again
DS did this until about age 8! He had mild ADD, but no serious issues.

- she hates having her hair washed, screams etc. Also hates hand dryers.
DD (now 12), honestly you'd think we were murdering her when we brushed her hair at that age she'd scream so much. Was scared of hand-dryers until she was 7 or 8

- she has been described as “quirky” by people in the past.
Nothing wrong with quirky, DD is too!

- sometimes she eeems to go in on herself, if that makes sense. Often after preschool she is very quiet.
Not unusual behaviour for many kids.

Other things just sound like her personality - my DCs also didn't interact so much with peers when they were little, but they are fine.

The two things I'd say are:

1. Step away from the internet and stop looking for checklists
2. OK, let's say she does have Aspergers or similar? It's clearly not profound, so is it really the end of the world?

She sounds very much like my son around that age - he is 7 now. AFAIK he is neurotypical. He still is quite quiet sometimes, goes into himself, repeats phrases (like an ear worm).
It sounds a bit like you might, like you say, getting a bit anxious and over analysing.
Perhaps have a more lengthy chat with nursery - they should have some SEN experience.
And maybe talk to your GP regarding possibly anxiety.
I hope you are able to get some reassurance and support

With the hand dryer thing there was a study that children can hear them at a higher frequency than we do and it doesn't help that they are often so small to be either under them or at the same height as them. So this sensitivity might pass in time. My dd is asd and she hated them too but she would also mimic the noise, I suppose to drown it out with her own. I think to a certain extent not liking hair washed is pretty common in young children. I am not trying to debunk your thoughts on asd but more saying that these things can pass as she develops.

I would separate the two issues, tackle your anxiety and log or keep an eye on your dd. Try not to obsess over it, if she is happy and not facing any issues atm then it is not worth fretting over. A diagnosis can come later.

Oh OP, it's so awful being worried about your child like that! I would speak to nursery/preschool specifically about whether they have any ASD concerns and you might well find that they don't. Often somebody less close can see things more clearly.
Girls can present differently and can be harder to diagnose because current criteria don't alway fit very well, but unless she is struggling with daily life I wouldn't be worrying about diagnosing even if there were a few signs. Your observations are a few little things but not one their own unusual for neurotypical children and would have to be part of a much larger picture of difficulties.

She sounds totally normal to me. I am mum of three kids.

Why would you be terrified of autism? That kind of rhetoric is really offensive to autistic people and their families.

She sounds absolutely fine. Toddlers are quirky. There are no “traits” that stand out here.

This could be post natal anxiety. Please speak to your GP

Thanks to everyone for your kindness and understanding. I do think this is probably my mind conspiring against me. I need more sleep. will talk to my GP if it continues for long.

@mintyfreshh I’m sorry to have said something offensive. As I said in my second post, I realise the weirdness of this fear and if my daughter were ever diagnosed I’m sure we would be fine.

Really try to take a break from the internet, mumsnet included!
Your DD sounds totally neuro typical to me x

I have a 6yo with an Asperger’s diagnosis. Honestly at 3.5 you wouldn’t necessarily have picked him out as different. Whilst it is sometimes possible to diagnose very young children, it’s not really the norm. Things to look out for: sensory issues, eye contact, emotional regulation (all things hard to spot in a 3yo), and the other thing is that diagnosis is made on the basis of ability to function in daily life, not whether the traits are present. With or without the diagnosis, my child is still the same person. Having a diagnosis just means that I am better able to manage him and his needs regarding school etc. It’s definitely not something you need to be afraid of. Your own anxiety, however, is much more concerning