I just hate my mil.

[Bittersweet12]

Now at the start I really really did get along with my mother in law, we were really close! Like the relationship you could only wish to have with a mil I had with mine! Then she started to come out of her shell more as time went on.

So my partner comes from a HUGE family, the type that have arguments wherever they go, you can't be in a room with one of them without them slagging someone off, and I'm a nice natured person so being in this situation always made me feel awkward but I just brushed it off.

My mil babied my partner so bad, and at first I though how sweet, she just loves her boy, but Jesus there's love and then there's control.

So the first time my partner came to my parents house before we actually lived together, or were even together properly (baring in mind I absolutely never even knew his mother never met her, and my partner is in his mid 20's) he'd left his phone in his car, so she messaged me on social media saying 'please tell him to answer his phone, is he with you' my partner was embarrassed, but I really didn't think nothing of it.

Then when we actually got together I started to realise how controlling she really was!
If we went on a trip to the shop together and was longer than bloody 20 minutes she would be messaging him 'where are you I thought you was only going Tesco, why aren't you home yet'

we once went out for my friends birthday meal, and we just got chatting away so it was a little late, his mother messaging him, ' why aren't you home yet, she has work in the morning' it just go so over powering everywhere we went everytime we went out she would have to be questioning constantly where we were when we was coming back. My partner had tried to tell her that's not how things should be for her to only ignore him.

So we went on our first holiday together, before we went she was asking for our flight numbers to track the bloody flight! (She didn't get them) we had a change over half way but pretty quick no time to stop and connect to the wifi at the airport, but by the time we got to the hotel we both had at least 20 messages of her!
My partner said I've had enough I want to get away from all this she's so controlling won't listen and I'm fed up when we get home I want to move out.

So when we got back my partner pretty much uppted his things and left, we got our first home together, he told her 'I've moved out' and he'd had enough of her control.
She tried everything, constant phone calls, messaging his friends to see where he lived, even trying to get into contact with my parents driving past his work to try and catch him.
Honestly it was like something out of a film. But I toook all the blame for this.
His mother called me absolutely every name under the sun, for some reason called me 'jealous' not sure what of. Used to try and guilt trip him 'go be happy with her and her family forget about all of us I'll leave you to it' to only message some more abuse aimed at me not even a minute later.
Eventually he said he wanted a relationship with them, This was a year and half ago. I said obviously I had no problem with him reconnecting with them, but I didn't want to be involved in it, after everything she possibly called me, blamed me for, I just don't want part in it.
So ever since he just went to visit them once a month on his own, that's all he really wanted to. Then I got pregnant and we had our first child together. I agreed I would go with him this once a month for our child's sake. I didn't want to go, but I didn't want my daughter to have to be there without me, his mother is the kind that bad mounts and tries to manipulate people, and I just figured if I was there with her I'd be able to stop this if it ever came about in the future.
Now fast forward if ever there's some kind of issue my partner is fully on my mil side, it's like she can do no wrong anymore, it's causing so much tension between us all the time, we seem to be constantly arguing over it! I get it's his mother at the end of the day, but I really don't want them to have such involvement in my life the way they once did. I don't mind being civil but anymore just gives me major anxiety! I just don't know what to do as it's like it's a constant battle.

Is there a short version of this?

@Rainallnight

Is there a short version of this?

No you don't have to read it 🤣

OP's MIL is controlling and desperate over her son (including trying to track their flight number when they went on holiday). OP's DH was angry and move out, so MIL tried to chase them down (driving past his work, messaging his friends etc). MIL guilt tripped OP and called her names and insults - OP's husband continued to visit once a month but that was it. OP and husband had a baby and they met up with MIL, only for DH to now be defending MIL at every junction. She has lots of anxiety about it.

Sorry hope that was short enough lol.

@feministfemme

OP's MIL is controlling and desperate over her son (including trying to track their flight number when they went on holiday). OP's DH was angry and move out, so MIL tried to chase them down (driving past his work, messaging his friends etc). MIL guilt tripped OP and called her names and insults - OP's husband continued to visit once a month but that was it. OP and husband had a baby and they met up with MIL, only for DH to now be defending MIL at every junction. She has lots of anxiety about it.

Sorry hope that was short enough lol.

Perfect x

@Bittersweet12 I had a very similar situation- met my MIL she seemed perfectly nice (even had a few nice days out with my MIL and my DH's younger sisters) and then I had an anxiety attack at a family event and we had to leave. It all blew up, lots of drama and ended with DH's step father threatening us. MIL stalked DH and phoned him and manipulated until he eventually went no contact. He's blocked all her numbers. I'm still the devil for the fact they're not in contact with him anymore, because I "dragged him away" or some other silly excuse.

He should be prioritising you if she's as crazy as you say she is. I would be avoiding her as much as possible and trying to keep your daughter away (often drastic but equally often necessary). Good luck though, I'm sorry you're in a difficult situation. x

You should have taken any opportunity to run.
You didn't..
Never too late though..

[quote feministfemme]@Bittersweet12 I had a very similar situation- met my MIL she seemed perfectly nice (even had a few nice days out with my MIL and my DH's younger sisters) and then I had an anxiety attack at a family event and we had to leave. It all blew up, lots of drama and ended with DH's step father threatening us. MIL stalked DH and phoned him and manipulated until he eventually went no contact. He's blocked all her numbers. I'm still the devil for the fact they're not in contact with him anymore, because I "dragged him away" or some other silly excuse.

He should be prioritising you if she's as crazy as you say she is. I would be avoiding her as much as possible and trying to keep your daughter away (often drastic but equally often necessary). Good luck though, I'm sorry you're in a difficult situation. x[/quote]
glad you understand where I'm coming from! He did go no contact when she was basically stalking us he didn't reply to message ect, but now since he's had contact back with then he seems to if forgotten all she did at that point in our lives and seems to be on her side at any given moment! I understand he would want a relationship with his mother and it must of been difficult for him to cut her off at the time he did, I couldn't be without my mother! And that clearly lead him to realise he wanted her in his life, but just because he can forgive them for all of this, doesn't mean I can, and I still very much dislike her, and I love my partner to bits I'm just fed up of to arguing over it, he says he feels he stuck in the middle sometimes😩

@Sunnydaysstillhere

You should have taken any opportunity to run. You didn't.. Never too late though..

At the point of us moving out having a baby ect they wasn't in our lives, so it want an issue. I very much love my partner he is amazing but this situation isn't in that

I’m 20+ years married now and had similar start with dh family. My feelings never really changed & dh will never fully get how I feel...unaware of stuff I’ve heard & snide remarks etc But found time & consistency hugely helpful. I don’t need him to get it anymore.
Trust how you feel & stick like superglue to what feels right for you.
Boundaries.
I hope things start feel easier.
I was hugely protective of dd’s when they were small but great when they reached teens and were able to judge for themselves.
Hope you’re ok. The worst thing is feeling alone with it but maybe that’s what your mil wants.
Really hope you find a way through. Remember your family, your life 💐

@Pennydrop

I’m 20+ years married now and had similar start with dh family. My feelings never really changed & dh will never fully get how I feel...unaware of stuff I’ve heard & snide remarks etc But found time & consistency hugely helpful. I don’t need him to get it anymore. Trust how you feel & stick like superglue to what feels right for you. Boundaries. I hope things start feel easier. I was hugely protective of dd’s when they were small but great when they reached teens and were able to judge for themselves. Hope you’re ok. The worst thing is feeling alone with it but maybe that’s what your mil wants. Really hope you find a way through. Remember your family, your life 💐

Yeah I will feel better once my little girl is able to make her mind up about them herself but I feel now I just try to protect her, how did you stop it getting in between you and your husband?

I’m sorry to say OP but your DP is back in the clutches of his mother, the first time he escaped her it was on his terms, and if he is to ever escape her again it will have to be on his terms than too. You can try and dictate otherwise but you’d be playing right into MIL’s hands and she’ll be badmouthing you to DP and whoever else will listen about how you ripped her son away from her once and how your now trying to do it AGAIN!!!

The upshot here is that she sounds very overbearing and so much so that your DP enforced a distance between them once. As overbearing and controlling as she is it’s probably only a matter of time before your DP feels like he’s had his fill of her and needs to create more space from his mother.

The downside though is that this is quiet probably cyclical and you will go round and round in this way for years. He will push her out when he’s had enough, and after a while he will feel guilty and start to miss her and will let her back in. Each time this happens you’ll be painted as the witch who steals him away, and he the poor little lost boy who’s finally come home to mummy.

My advice, if you don’t want to end your relationship with him is for you to be no contact with his family, and in your position I would extend that to your DC as well. DC shouldn’t have to go to granny only to hear it’s mother being slagged off, and if your DP can’t cope with that well that’s tough shit.

Honestly? When it comes to going NC, you will have fights. It's a majorly difficult time (particularly when there's so much culture about what "abandoning your family makes you) and also keep in mind that if she's as manipulative as you say, she's been sinking her claws in since your DH was a boy. It's quite difficult differentiate love and manipulation when manipulation is the biggest thing you've known, from people who were meant to love you.

Ultimately, when it comes to inlaws there will always be fights and excuses. You have to respect his wishes, but I'd say if you can truly see the situation being toxic (try and imagine yourself from a third perspective) you just have to kind of slowly chip away at it. One day he will have had enough, if he's got the capacities to want to be happier / the self awareness to know something is wrong.

You are not under any obligation to be in contact with her. If your DH needs time or even if he will never go NC, his choices do not reflect yours. You are fully entitled to take a step back and never speak to them again (it's a lot more obvious when you're experiencing hurt and damage when they're not your immediate relatives, so he may have a hard time accepting his feelings). That's all I can really say - keep up hope and keep chipping away. Also try and remember that your MIL is in no way owed your daughter, and even if it causes some arguments, you're allowed to keep her away if you think that's best.

Phew big message! Sorry hope that helped. xx

@Lillygolightly

I’m sorry to say OP but your DP is back in the clutches of his mother, the first time he escaped her it was on his terms, and if he is to ever escape her again it will have to be on his terms than too. You can try and dictate otherwise but you’d be playing right into MIL’s hands and she’ll be badmouthing you to DP and whoever else will listen about how you ripped her son away from her once and how your now trying to do it AGAIN!!!

The upshot here is that she sounds very overbearing and so much so that your DP enforced a distance between them once. As overbearing and controlling as she is it’s probably only a matter of time before your DP feels like he’s had his fill of her and needs to create more space from his mother.

The downside though is that this is quiet probably cyclical and you will go round and round in this way for years. He will push her out when he’s had enough, and after a while he will feel guilty and start to miss her and will let her back in. Each time this happens you’ll be painted as the witch who steals him away, and he the poor little lost boy who’s finally come home to mummy.

My advice, if you don’t want to end your relationship with him is for you to be no contact with his family, and in your position I would extend that to your DC as well. DC shouldn’t have to go to granny only to hear it’s mother being slagged off, and if your DP can’t cope with that well that’s tough shit.

That really sounds about right to be honest! I wish I could have no contact and stop me and my little girl going but she is just a baby she is 6 month old, my pArtner would be completely against that, and as much as I would like to do that not sure if it would be right to do either; it's so hard I just don't want the battle with my partner over them just because he can forget all there awful behaviour and comments doesn't mean I can

Good grief I feel your pain. Wait, f**king hell I feel your pain. I often joke I could write a book of my experiences. Although just last Monday I snapped and realised mine absolutely won't change. Low contact for me. Worryingly he's on her side now? Hope that goes ok I wonder what went off there

Before we went nc with mil we agreed to never have her name said in our home!!