Has anyone got any tips or advice for toddler who gets so upset at nursery drop off

[Rosebud1302]

My son has been going to an amazing nursery for a year now (without Covid lockdown) but still gets so horribly upset at drop off. Today was probably the worst ever. I'm talking screaming, clinging onto the car seat. They had to come outside and get him off me (by this point he was in such a state that it was the only way).

I absolutely am not changing his nursery. He ADORES it when he's in there and the only photos and observations I get are of him smiling and laughing and playing. They sent me a photo and called me literally 5 minutes after he got in today and he was sat happily eating his breakfast!

So my question - did anyone else have a child who got so upset over a long period of time at drop off? I see all the other kids going in so happily. Honestly I've never seen another one get upset. And I know he's fine in there. So can I do anything to help :( nursery are in talks after today about things we can put in place but obviously we are very limited with the restrictions in place (I can't go into the room for instance). If anyone found anything that worked please share!!!

No experience as a parent, but my sister did this every morning as our mum left us with the nanny, for literally YEARS. Leg clinging, screaming, sobbing, begging... mum leaves house in floods of tears,door closes behind her, sister sniffles, picks herself up, goes to have breakfast happy as larry. She did the same when the nanny left at the end of the day. Til she was about 7. Loon.

Oh op! I did this even when I was at school! I have no advice, I’m not sure why I did it, I was always fine! Mum always left upset and I literally was absolutely fine as soon as she left!

It's really common and normal. I'm sure you've tried all the normal stuff eg giving them something that smells on you on it.

The only thing that eventually helped mind was drawing a very simple cartoon strip of what happens on nursery days. Even though I though they knew it very well, having it visually and reading it every day before nursery really helped. Like, get up, get dressed, eat breakfast, go in car, get to nursery, kiss mummy bye bye, play at nursery, have lunch, have a nap, play, mummy comes to pick me up, go home in the car. It took me 5 mins to draw it and it did help after a time.

Good luck.

Thank you for your replies! @Ohalrightthen @tmh88 this is my son exactly. First sight of some Rice Krispies and he miraculously recovers 🤣🤦🏻‍♀️

@diddlediddle thank you for reassuring me it is normal. When you don't see a single other child doing it, you start to worry! The cartoon strip is a brilliant idea! I might try it. I do talk to him at bedtime the night before and in the morning and he gets excited to go. All is absolutely fine. Until we walk through the door! Maybe I need to put some more subtle emphasis on the mummy leaving bit?!

My sister used to do this. She was absolutely fine two mins later. My poor mum got so upset, then one day they said to walk around the corner and sneak a look in window. My sister was quite happily getting on with her day. When I had my placement in reception class, the teacher said the best thing was the parent to leave straight awa y, the longer they stayed the more it wound the child up, but normally if parent left the child would settle very quickly.

One of my DC did it constantly, he's in yr 1 now and we only cracked it recently with a star chart, knew he was happy in school, teacher v helpful, just not good at goodbyes. Plenty of chat about how his tummy might have butterflies but his head knows he's going to have a good day and the butterflies will disappear once he's there. I try to acknowledge his worry but keep it upbeat and myself calm.
If he makes it in each day then we go for a treat on a Friday, (we count any days where he has a wobble as a success anyway if he makes it in ) we've not missed a treat day yet!

I know we are further down the line and hopefully you'll have it sussed far earlier than we did

My Dc1 did this until she was in about year 2 of school. Never did it to my mum on the days my mum dropped her off for me, may not be possible, but if someone else can do drop off might be a solution?

My son did this every day for the first year of nursery (1-2years old). Then after 10 weeks at home in lockdown he ran into the place without looking back. We still have some days when he cries and clings to me and has to be handed over but they are less frequent. Also when Dad takes him he always goes in fine. I know it's hard to see but hopefully it is just a phase. Distracting him with a task works well too. So I give him his bag to hold and hand over to his key worker for example.

You could try a reward chart type thing. Talk to him about why he gets upset and explain that he knows your coming back etc and then introduce a sticker chart if you go in to nursery with no tears you get a sticker etc I have used this as a nursery practitioner a few times. It has always worked well, of course they are not punished for being upset it just gives them something to focus on to break the anxiety.

It's hard but gets easier. Just drop, kiss and go. I still combine the goodbye kiss with getting DD out of the car even though shes now year 2 at school.

I used to drive to work in tears though. Of course DH did all the pickups so got all the happy smiles while I got tears.

If it helps you, DD and I are very close and always have been so theres been no lasting damage.

I’ve had this for two of mine, one was horrific.

Dh dropping off definitely worked when it was possible. It’s the stress of separation from mum that worked my dc up.

Would the nursery staff be allowed to lift him out of the car if you “popped to the loo” ? . A lot of it is out of sight out of mind.

If leaving the house is a problem, I used to go somewhere else en route so that we weren’t leaving the house for nursery, we were leaving for the park and after that remembered it was nursery time.

Alternatively do they have a quiet room where he could go? One of my dc continued with this issue until age 7 and it seems he has sensory issues and the noise was stressful for him. He could mask it once he was there, but he is much better now he has a quiet space to retreat to. I wish I had put this in place at nursery.

Just to pop back - and I'm honestly not suggesting the cartoon strip will definitely work (just another thing to try) - but the point is that it's visual. I completely fell into this trap myself thinking that I talk it through with them all the time - but talking goes through a completely different channel for kids than pictures.

I would personally not advocate for the nursery staff taking them out the car of such like, I think it's important to be trustworthy to kids and agree with PP that a quick and confident bye bye and leave is the best way xxx

I have this too! My 18 month old cries every time he is dropped off at the childminders. He’s been going since January and throughout lockdown and it’s not getting any better!! Again she tells us he has a great time and the write ups we get are accurate of him and we’ve seen pictures too! Its sooooo hard! He is fine going to my mums the others days I work X

My son was like this. During lockdown he kept saying he didn't want to go back to nursery. He wasn't enjoying it in the day either. He's developed situational mutism and would just withdraw. Nursery tried everything with him and his little sister loves it there.

We moved him and he now goes to a smaller preschool. He loves it and no issues in the morning.

For a us, a move worked best

Thank you so much everyone for your kind and supportive responses. It is reassuring to hear that my son is not the only one who suffers! He is absolutely fine if I leave the house without him (obviously with someone else there ha) and would be fine with me walking off into a shop for instance leaving him with someone else outside. It is very situational. I like the idea of sticker rewards - maybe I will ask nursery if I can buy them some for him to have when he goes in.

I absolutely don't want to move him because he takes so long to settle into a place and I know he adores it when he is there. If he wasn't ok when he was in the room I would have considered it definitely.

Thank you again for your support everyone. A few things to try!

Teacher here. We see this all the time! Please don't worry. Just try to be very aware of your behavior and reaction when it's happening - not visably upset/worried. Kids don't mean to be manipulative, but in their minds crying/screaming/clinging = more time with mummy. To them, it doesn't matter if it's negative or positive. Also just be very cautious when introducing star charts/treats/rewards as you don't want to make it a 'thing' and focus on it too much - this can make it worse (though obviously works in some circumstances!)
It sounds harsh but the less time you're there the better. Although I appreciate that's hard if he's starting in the car. Can you walk or maybe someone else drop him just to snap the habit? It's really upsetting for parents; I sympathise with you.

Thank you @Marmite133 that's all really helpful and good point about the reward thing I hadn't thought of it that way. Normally he doesn't start in the car. Friday was just so bad for some reason. Normally he is fine until we go in the building and they go to take him off me and he starts clinging and the lip starts going etc. We used to do his dad taking him in so I think we are going to try that as I do struggle to not get upset. Especially when it was as bad as Friday! So hopefully that helps.

Oh bless you it's really hard. Just try and keep a straight face, kiss and bye. No other conversations, a happy hello to the staff. We try to make a plan with parents so it's worth contacting the nursery to give them a heads up of whatever approach you choose.
Not to scare you or suggest this will happen, but we had a mum who used to get so upset. Obviously the child picked up on it and she was still kicking and screaming coming in when she reached Y6 (totally fine all day). You can appreciate how hard this is when they're as big as an adult. The mum admitted she'd just made it worse over the years and the child wasn't sure why she did it! All stopped when she started secondary as it wasn't 'a thing'.

My kids both cried at nursery drop off, even though they love it once they get in.

Things that helped are not hanging about and being very positive. Sometimes I end up chatting to the staff and if they saw me they’d go nuts crying, so quick departure. Also DH doing the drop off helped a lot as apparently they didn’t do it for him.

My DS is 5 now and this hasn’t been an issue for years. He runs into school without a backward glance. My DD is 3 and of course she was just getting to the non crying stage in March and then she had 6 months of no nursery! DH has done the drop off this past week and said she’s been fine though, but clingy but no crying

Yes I should also say that as soon as DS was 3 and went to a preschool he runs in with glee and absolutely loves it. Kids usually outgrow it.

If I were you I'd pretend that he isn't having a screaming crying wobbly at all - just chat away about nothing in particular, hand him over, say "See you later, bye bye", turn your back and walk off.

Be bright and cheery throughout. Don't make a thing of it. If he stops getting a reaction from you, he might calm down a bit.

Thank you all, more great advice. I should add that I really don't normally react at all! Well, I used to but I haven't for months now. I just hand him over, blow him a kiss and walk out with him crying. It was just Friday because it was so extreme and upsetting compared to normal (he's never great but this was something else!) and it just took me by complete surprise.

Partner (his dad) is doing drop off from now on to see if this helps. We used to do this and he was much better so we are going to try and make it work logistically. I absolutely don't want him to be doing it into school 😫