Parent in prison..

[embaex]

Feel like I should ask here as it's a pretty un-biased place to be! 1st post also!
I mean I know I know the answer-just need a bit of clarity I guess!

Long story short-my children's dad has been in and out of prison for the last 8 years (dd1 is nearly 8, dd2 is nearly 5), so pretty much been a single parent. Although I have welcomed him back in every time when he was released-wrong of me I realise that now.

My q is- my children now know where he is (kept this a secret before now and always said he was working away-to save them from the possible humiliation at school etc), and he rings to talk to them, but I feel very burdened by the whole situation. His family are very demanding, his mum mostly, he could never do any wrong in her eyes and he always did everything for her, so she now expects it from me. Now I don't want to fall out with her as she's my children's nan and she's been very good to me in the past and we get on great (mostly-apart from our different views on her son being a shit dad/person in general), how do I back off I guess? I wouldn't take the children away from her of course but I feel I've been stuck in this loop for far too long and so have my children, and I want to back away without coming across as a massive arsehole to her..
Any ideas welcome because I'm at a loss 😩

Hello,

First of all, sending a big virtual hug.

You’ve got two little ones who rely on you, so you can’t do everything for her. What kind of stuff is she expecting to do? Does she have anyone else who can support her?

I think mothers try to think the best in their children, even when they’re adults and should’ve done better. I guess no one likes to think their child is capable of doing bad things or being a bad person. No matter how well you get on, if she can’t accept her son has been in the wrong then it’s bound to cause issues.

You could arrange for her to see the kids at a scheduled time and place on a regular basis and then she gets to see them but you set the rules etc.

Thank you, feel like I need it!
She has two other sons, they both have their own families and work full time so it's difficult for them to be around for her. I suppose I could say the same about said son but we ( me and the children) have never come first so that's neither here nor there!
Shopping/picking up prescriptions/checking in on her, which I don't mind but I don't wish to do every day of the week, i of course can do the shopping for her when I do my own-but I don't want to have to do shopping twice a week purely because she's put a time scale on it because she needs x,y,z. (There is a shop on her road may I add, that's she is capable of going to).
Of course, he's her son and it's unconditional love, and she does accept it to a certain point, but not a reasonable one if that makes any sense!

I think day & time would be best, possibly weekend instead of after school!
Sorry for rambling on, just realised how long this reply is!
Thank you for your reply x

Hi :)

Does she have any conditions that prevent her from doing any of that stuff herself? Even if her other sons have families etc the load should be shared equally, though I appreciate in practice that’s not always doable.

As hard as it is, sometimes you have to put yourself first. Maybe ask her what she really does need help with and agree to do that? But not on the scale you were doing it before? X

She has mental health issues, which probably aren't made better with her son being in prison for the majority of his life, and a minor mobility issue caused from a car crash a few years ago-doesn't stop her walking etc.

I do agree, but they do not so they don't really take an interest and to be honest, they see it as she will contact them when she wants something rather than to see them or their children, which is possibly true, but my children's dad has very much babied her for many years in terms of doing everything for her which is now why she expects it.
I have tried asking specific things but it's infuriating at times.
I feel maybe a schedule would be best to maybe do her shopping with mine and dropping it off etc, I just don't know how to handle the confrontation of 'backing off' if that makes sense 😔 x

Can you move house?
Invent a job that means you will be unavailable the same as her sons?
Find some other excuse that is plausible?

You could start weaning her off you by decreasing the number of visits you make?

Contact the sons and tell them that your circs have changed and you can no longer provide care for her daily so they will have to step up it make arrangements for carers to come in.

It’s tough but I think you are doing the right thing as she is taking a loan of you. Every day is too much. Twice a week tops should be sufficient if she’s hale and hearty.

How big is her house? An option is for her to take a boarder who gets room and food in exchange for running errands for her, cooking, fixing things in the house etc. If you live in a town with a university it should be easy to find someone but if in a little town in the middle of nowhere maybe not

Trying to sort a move out at the mo, so that's one option.
The problem with making things up is the kids repeat everything so it wouldn't last for long unfortunately.
Currently trying the weaning thing but I feel I've made a rod for my own back with this, probably should have nipped it in the bud well before now 😔
I will probably have to speak them about it to be honest, although I know the answer already-they're just not interested.
I also think twice a week is more than enough, thank you for your reply x

She lives in a decent sized house, although she won't have anyone in there so more than likely not an option to be honest. She's also not the best with finances and rarely has food etc in the house hence me being asked to sort everything out 😔
Also in a small town with no uni, but thank you for your reply, would have been an option if it wasn't such a pain to sort out x

I know it sounds harsh but you don't have to look after her. Helping her with shopping when you're doing your own- fine, because that's not onerous, and is manageable. Visiting with the children once a week- fine, they need to have a good relationship with their grandma, and it probably does her MH/emotional health good to see her grandchildren.
It's hard, I know, but you need to be firm- I'm sorry, I really can't manage that today. You don't need to say why, just that it isn't possible. "I'll pick those up at the weekend for you", etc.
If you're exhausted and pulled in lots of directions that won't be good for your health, and you have a lot on your plate.
Her other sons could step up if they wanted to.