Nearly 4 year old constantly wetting herself

[KitKat1985]

DD2 is 4 next month. This time last year she was nearly completely toilet trained in the day. The past 6 months has however been horrendous. She wets herself sometimes hourly, and doesn't seem in the least bit bothered by this. Overall she's better at nursery than at home, but even they have been having regular accidents with her. Mine and nurseries assessment of this is basically the same - she's perfectly capable of using the toilet, but she's lazy and doesn't want to stop playing to go to the toilet. We've tried bribes with chocolate buttons to get her to use the toilet, and conversely putting her in the naughty corner and telling her off for wetting herself but it's made no difference. We've also tried just taking her to the toilet regularly rather than just expecting her to take herself, but she's incredibly stubborn and will insist she doesn't need a wee (sometimes even when we can see she's starting to wet herself) and screams to get off the toilet and then just wets herself a few minutes later.

To be honest this has combined with a generally whingy / constantly tantruming stage in her development and I'm absolutely at my wits end with this behaviour now, and no longer enjoy spending time with her. I'm trying to work full time and look after her older autistic sister too and I could really do without the added stress and frustration of her wetting herself constantly. I keep telling myself it's just a stage but I can't do this much more. Any ideas?

Check for diabetes? It’s probably not that if it’s been going on so long but may be worth a check.

Yes it's a stage and even not so uncommon. Best tip is just don't get yourself involved in her power struggle, and don't make a big issue about it. Excluding medical problems it's like a matter of control or manipulation.
Bribes and naughty corner add fuel to the fire, ignoring it would be hard but better, or just changing clothes not having a strong reaction could be enough. A little regression on potty training is common too, maybe is some way she doesn't feel herself yet ready for that, going back to pull-ups (making it very clear it's only a temporary just in case thing, she still need to use the toilet) could totally eliminate the stress and the power struggle. Don't present it as a punishment but a natural consequence, still don't make a big issue about it, with her time everything will be resolved.

Have you seen a doctor to rule out uti and constipation?

Was also going to ask about constipation. DS (almost 3 and potty trained for 18 months) started randomly having wee accidents again which was very out of character. Put him on lactulose, after GP advice, it all resolved. Weaned him off after month.... accidents came back! GP has now said to keep him on it for 4-6 months as it can be chronic in some children. Constipation was definitely affecting his bladder control.

Also here to say constipation! You might have looked at the eric website but if not there is useful stuff there for constipation and wetting. Is she dry at night?

I posted about my 4 year old DS a few months ago, we were having similar issues. I tried lots of things (sticker charts, time outs, making him clean himself up and change his clothes etc) but really the only thing that helped was frog marching him to the toilet every half hour/40 mins or so, and even then we had frequent accidents if I forgot.

However, I’m pleased to report that several months on the issue has more or less disappeared, he started school in September and I was worried that might make things worse but actually it hasn’t, so for whatever reason it was just a phase I think.

I got SO frustrated at the time so many sympathies!