First child behaviour so bad putting me off having another

[Partyrings19]

I was wondering if anyone has been through anything similar. My 5 year old is such hard work she has put me off having any more children. I feel so guilty for feeling this way about her but her behaviour is so bad I don't know what to do half of the time, and I worry about having another and how I would cope. I always thought I'd have more than one but the older she gets the worse her behaviour becomes. I don't know if this is because she is an only child.

Has anyone else stopped at one for similar reasons?

I agree that it has nothing to do with being an only child. Although one of my DD’s friends gave her parents a lot of trouble aged 4 - I think the parents felt irrationally guilty about the “only child” thing and were convinced that they had to lay on treats and “big days out” constantly, with the result that the DD was always overtired, overstimulated and her emotions were all over the place. No judgement of the parents intended - we’re all feeling our way without a manual. But, as the single parent of one child myself, I find that I have to remind myself to get out of her hair and leave her to be bored sometimes, because they need their downtime at that age.

Personally, I stopped at one child because that was what I could handle without tearing my hair out. You don’t need another reason.

I stopped at one because it was right for me. If I had based my decision on her behaviour, I'd have cheerfully had a second.

Its a personality thing honestly. If you are finding her difficult then I think the kindest thing to do would be to focus on her. She is five. She may be terrible at being five but absolutely wonderful at being 8, 12, 20! :)

Thanks, yes I do give her space, well I try to if she will let me, and I don't spoil her because she's on her own. I know deep down it's not an only child thing as I have a nephew who is also an only and he is nothing like this.

I just feel guilty at the fact that she is the one putting me off if you see what I mean but I honestly am struggling to cope with her most days so maybe having another would be disastrous and I should focus on her.

I think if you want another baby then you should have one. You shouldn't let one difficult child put you off. It might even be a lovely thing for her to have a little brother or sister.

What behaviour is so difficult and how do you try and manage it?

I would totally have the second baby if you feel inclined too. Don't let a five year olds behaviour dictate your family planning. Its probably only a phase. All Children are different

I think stopping at one is legitimate and also lovely, if it’s what you want. I have 2 (with a 6yr gap though so not yet too hard to remember/imagine life continuing with just one!) and definitely there were brilliant things I can’t manage with two, like lots of really good-quality 1:1 attention, and adventures off doing increasingly grown-up things, and having more money to spend, and being more involved in school stuff, and more ‘me time’ too. In terms of ‘right’ reasons, the truth is we all decide this stuff for a multitude of reasons and different ones come to the fore in our personal narratives at different points in time anyway.

All of that said... my DC2 has been so different to DC1. I love them both just as they are, and I can see the things that make their/our lives harder and easier. DC1 is undoubtedly harder work as a child, though in it I can also see what a brilliant adult he is going to grow into. DC2 really demonstrated that it wasn’t me doing everything wrong, I was perfectly competent, but the usual tricks don’t work so well with DC1 and he sort of needs me to be at the top of my game just to be OK, whereas with DC2 good enough really is good enough! And that has been such an incredibly healing experience for me, and has made me a better parent to both of them.

I realise that’s a high-risk strategy and as such, I’m not advocating it! And perhaps for me I could’ve achieved the same level of acceptance in therapy or something, idk. But I wanted to throw it in there as a relevant experience, too. DC2 has absolutely enriched our family, even though my hands were already full.

Probably best not to have another one. If you do and its a dream child it will still restrict the time you can give to your current child. You will not have solved your problem and you will forever be telling yourself you knew this would happen......

If you really really wanted another child you would not be questioning it.

It depends on what you want OP. If you want another child TTC. If you cannot cope, then wait. And the re-evaluate later. And there is no issue with having one child at all.
She will grow up and her behaviour will change with time. Try the reward method, maybe stickers everytime she behaves well, and then she gets some small presie if she gets all her stickers. For me it worked better than the naughty step. The naughty step drove her potty!

My child was a horror until he was about five, I could easily have given him away some days .

He did however turn into the loveliest little boy not long after that and he remains one aged 12, he's an absolute delight now.

I didn't have another but we did try but because if the problems we had with child one we didn't try for very long. Then I got too old to consider it. I'd have loved to have had another and wish we'd tried for a bit longer.

Maybe I wouldn't be questioning it so much if I really wanted another. I guess there is a desire to do it again and try and get it right next time but seeing that written down I realise what a stupid reason that is. Thanks all

So what’s the behaviour and how have you tried to manage it??

Sorry Wolfie it's hard to explain, a lot of obsessive behaviour repeating phrases over and over and shouting screaming at me, telling me what to do, not responding to any discipline etc. I have tried and failed in various ways to sort it out, most of the time it ends up with my OH taking over as she just doesn't listen to me.

Sounds like you need a plan. What does OH do that you don’t? Pick a way of dealing with it and stick to it. Better to fix the problem now than face a difficult teen. Parenting classes? Reading round the subject? What do school say?

She has only just started school so I'm not sure what they will say, OH doesn't do anything different but she seems to listen more to him, not much more though. Maybe parenting classes might be worth a shot, thank you

My DS1 was and remains very difficult for several reasons (some medical). DS2 was born out of pure stubbornness on my side that I wanted at least 2 DC.

Amazingly he did the world of good for DS1. Really diluted him. DS1 is still very hard work but leaves us alone a lot more to play with Ds2 for example plus it forces me not to just take the easy road with DS1 (giving in) cos its not fair on DS2.

We're stopping at 2 though cos I could not cope with another one. And i feel awful saying it but its majnly because of Ds1 not DS2.

Worth chatting to school. Out of interest has her behaviour got worse since she started?

Yes much worse, but it wasn't much better before to be honest!

You need some parenting support. Everyone does at some point.

Do you have a PPP you can contact for tips? We have that free (socially disadvantaged area) and my friend said it helped her enormously.

So what does dp do differently to you that she listens? Follows through with discipline when you don’t? Doesn’t engage with her stories and just says bedtime and returns her there promptly and calmly and you don’t?
Have you asked him what he thinks you do differently and taken it onboard?

Do you think he is too tough so you are softer with her to compensate for his toughness?

I think it would be better to get your child’s behaviour under control before you have another. I’ve seen so many parents have another instead of changing their parenting and fixing the mistakes they may have made with the first where I am.

It’s like the eldest is feral and they think oh we’ll do better with the next one. But they don’t change their parenting. And the second child is as bad. Bullied by the first too! Because the parents haven’t asked for help. No man is an island. We all need help.