Could I have some help with behaviour please

[icedaisy]

Dd is 23 months. Was certainly a high needs baby, horrific sleeper until about 15 months as well.

I'm 30 weeks pregnant. We are rural, quite isolated and she gets car sick.

She had fairly horrific tantrums around March April time but they calmed down. We have started up again recently and I'm struggling.

She's very emotional. Not very verbal, lots of words coming this month maybe. Does lots of animals etc but probably anyone other than me would struggle with her words. Understands everything instruction and what I say wise.

Every single thing is a battle. The tantrums are just ridiculous. I have her on reins usually and she has started throwing herself about, screaming, carrying on. I try and give her choices, lots of praise, lots of yes, pick my battle etc. Today on walk she just went crackers. Lying on ground, soaking wet grass, screaming. I ended up having to carry her to car which was a fair way.

What do people do here. I waited and it didn't pass. I asked her to show me, just screaming. I'm firm, I try no. I go to her level.

Same in house, don't bang door please. Just keeps doing it. Firm no, move her away, straight back.

Everything I've read is about explaining and immediate consequences but how do I do that in those scenarios. I move her away she goes back. On the walk I leave her and she keeps screaming.

Time out seems to be less used now?

Any other suggestions? I would be very grateful.

Tough one. In those terrible cases, when a toddler has completely lost it, the only thing that worked with mine was distractions. " Oh there is a wolf, an eagle, a cat, .elephant.... insert favourite animal or a fairy, batman...."

When a child is in that state, you can't reason. She is lying face down in mud and grass, brain is switched off.

That's the emergency solution= distraction.

Now the behaviour general. I am French and live in Australia, and the praise thing you mention, I see it constantly and it leaves perplexed. - Taking a child in the arm to push the pedestrian button "good pushing" , a child fusses at the till, hiolding the child to hold credit cart " great paying " ,
A child is given a bottle of water :" good drinking" and so on. I am at a friend's house " good brushing (teeth), great flushing (toilet) and so on...

Constant praise for things that don't deserve praising just normal activities and praise loses its value.

Discipline and learning to control emotions and behaviour starts at home. The door banging. Two options;

• Stern voice and few words. "You stop that" . she does it again. Take her away and when she tries to go back, grab her, " I said stop" and put her in another room, yours for example. Not hers, not her bed.
• Move away from the situation : " let's go and read a book," or "Oh it is time to water the plants " , let's have a bath"

You need to understand, sometimes she is doing it to get a reaction from you. The best one, turn your back and put the kettle on and go on MN.
She throws a tantrum for the lunch. Put plate away (or in the bin if it ended on the floor) and go on preparing your lunch and eating it. Grab a book.

She will stop doing these things soon. You just need to survive. As French, I think we talk a lot less to children in the midst of chaos.

Thank you @LeGrandBleu this is interesting. I must admit your paragraph about praise, well that's me. "Good" everything that's good. I used to watch my sister in law do this and it annoyed me, I absolutely do this all the time. I suppose Im trying to keep things on an even flow, she seems pleased to get the praise, responds well.

Distraction, I do this, I will amplify it though.

The no thing, this is what I'm doing with no results. I sometimes think she thinks her name is no. Yes, perhaps it is for a reaction. Like today, we go for a walk round farm before tea. Feed the animals, which she loves. She knows this. Took her ages to get ready, lots of faffing, fine. Got to porch she kicked dog water everywhere. I put her back in other room, was told firmly no. Changed socks. Went back to porch, she stood in it. Repeat, one more time.

Now she knows not to touch it. My instant reaction was to not go for a walk. But then I thought well that's silly, she doesn't understand kick water equals no walk. Plus I'm on my own, things need fed. So I told her firmly no again, or bad. Which is really understands. We move on. When we come back she points at water and says bad. So she understood that. Yet it took three pairs of socks and me almost exploding.

And I realise one solution might have been to move the water but it's like a fixed dispenser to unit and I'm trying to establish the do not touch thing. Badly clearly.

I think if you keep being consistent, you'll get there. I was also a fan of distraction, and no attention for bad behaviour. I praised good behaviour, but not stuff that I considered everyday expected behaviour.

With the walk round the farm, I'd keep it brisk and faffing to a minimum.

So, "come on, we're off to feed the animals. You can carry this for me, and you choose who we see first". Move it forward.

I mine had kicked a bowl of water on purpose, I wouldn't change their socks, they'd go wet (unless it was actually freezing).

Get her occupied by thinking of the next plan, give her simple choices between two things (red bucket or green bucket).

It is a really hard age though. My eldest in particular was prone to full meltdowns, and simply couldn't be distracted. He could meltdown for 24 hours, literally at times. I had to learn to avoid his triggers.

I teach primary ethics in primary schools. From Kindergarten (your reception) to Y6. Problem is the praise will stop as the kids get older, but they expect the constant praise and when they don't get it, they feel rubbish. In ethics, I can't say "good point" or " nice argument" because there is no right answer. so I will praise the child who intervenes for the first time after months of silence for stepping out. Or blink my eye and smile at the one who stops kicking the chair of his friend, after I discreetly pointed my finger at him. A silent praise. I praise the different.

You should praise her for NOT kicking the water. Praise the good behaviour, not the normal one. Something that requires an effort.

If you look at a parenting section in a library you will see hundreds and hundreds of books. From the Tiger mom to the Boho one.
There is not one who holds the truth for your child, because every book is right for one child and wrong for the next. You will find out when your second will be there. What worked a charm with DD1 is a recipe for disaster for number 2. I have 3 children. All so different.

Follow your instinct not a parenting style that doesn't;t resonate with you.
She kicks the water. " Silly DD, now you have wet feet" and go on feeding the animals with wet feet. Let her walk 50 m and then complain and suggest " shall we change them ?" Keep it happy if you can.

And rest assured, she understand a lot more than you think. You want unchallenged obedience, you will get it from your dog not your children. They have their own mind. Sometimes, they have a point.

If you go on a discipline / blind obedience war, you will be miserable as she will. She is a toddler and acts like one. You will know how to guide her if you don't explore in the process

Make a lovely bone fire with the parenting books and cook sausages and marshmallows for example.

Thank you both.

I'm pleased to see mention of choices. My mum pulled me up on this today, why are you asking her, just tell her.

I try and involve her though. So not on big serious stuff, but like which bucket will we use, red or blue. Chickens or goats first? Then goats or cows next? Then finish with what left, dogs, that's us home.

She's probably fed up as well. Whilst exciting to begin with after months it's the same old and if I'm fed up I'm sure she is. Not much I can do about that though.

Thank you I was low tonight and a talk over things has helped.

It’s hard and grueling isn’t it. Ds 2 was very willful and trantrumy from 18 months to 4. In retrospect I think a lot of it was frustration. He has always been very independent. He’s lovely now.
If she won’t walk on the reins then I used the pushchair. My tip if they tantrum and go rigid when you try to strap them in - wait fit the next intake of breath and the swift but firm push just above the chest/above the tummy and strap in.
I kept things very bright and breezy. Toddlers are not logical - but the need clean boundaries - choices were too much for mine. Also they have extremely low impulse control. So maybe next time at the front door you hold hand. You can take her hand or say right hold my hand (instruction not request or question) and we are going outside.
And they love attention - they don’t care if it’s positive or negative. So the door banging is an example of a way to get your attention. So agree that distraction is a good idea. I used to say ooh like a plane or a digger etc.
Is she happier pottering around at home?
Extremely limited choices and if a lot of moaning I used ear plugs when we were out and he was safely strapped in the pushchair. Just to give myself a break from the noise
Agree with distractions and firmness. And less praise. Is she getting enough sleep?
Could she go to nursery a couple of times a week to give you a break?

My DD was like that. You have great advice here on not praising ordinary stuff and on consistency, saying “no” but not explaining too much etc.... but I genuinely think some kids want to push boundaries more often than others. When my DD was that age I was very thin and people were asking me if I was OK and it was because I was constantly vigilant from 6am to 8pm chasing her and pulling her out of dangerous situations and carrying her home because she wouldn’t walk and she could climb out of the buggy...

...Fast forward to now, she is 8 and (mostly) completely delightful. Still all about the boundaries but funny and smart too. I want to say to you, keep going. The fact that your asking if you’re doing the right thing means you are doing your best and probably doing all the right things! Keep going

No real advice I'm afraid, but choices didn't work for DD - I'd say 'do you want the red one or the blue one?' and she'd just say no! So if your DD is similar, you're not alone...

And a couple of things you could do to change things up:
‘Painting’ the outside walls with water. Bucket or water, large paintbrush, Wellies and all in one wet weather overall.
I used these all in one waterproofs a lot with mine when they were toddlers as then it didn’t matter if they got wet. Tuck the legs over the wellies.
Maybe a bit old for her - large pasta and string to make necklaces
Large sheet of paper - she lays on it and your draw round her and the color it in with wax Crayons. Do the same outside with chalk.
Collect things from outside and put them in a treasure box
Collect conkers or special stones.
Look under stones and wood for insects.
Hope it’s gets better - it’s always a phase

I can take pushchair on walk walks but not round farm as to impossible to navigate. I could try trike.

Nursery God. That was a disaster. Went October to lock down but spent most of it sick. Made me anxious as anything. You name it she got it. She has not gone back. She does start play group two mornings and is currently settling on a Monday morning.

Sleep brilliant, 730 to 630 and two hours after lunch, I wake her 330.

Sometimes I wonder if hungry, eats well but lightly. I'm not constantly offering food and I see others doing that. Maybe I could look at that.

Fair point on attention. I do try but I'm first to admit I'm tired, anxious and fraught at present. I can be distracted. Busy.

I try to do jobs when she's asleep so I'm focused when awake but sometimes it fails.

Sorry I cross posted there.

Gosh yes the people asking if I'm ok thing. I'm constantly chasing her, never stop. Look like death warmed up. She's an absolute fireball.

Some great activity ideas thanks. She has loved conkers this week for sure. And collecting fruit.

I am over praising I can see that now tonight. I am the "good walking" person.

Don't forget, you are allowed to stick her in front of CBeebies etc for 30 mins now and then.

I used to use a cycle of 30 mins playing, encouraging dcs to play alone (whilst I pottered nearby), then 30 mins TV. Too much stimulation just wound mine up. They needed a bit of space to talk to their teddies.

She sounds amazing, by the way! Feisty can be great fun.

Toddlers do sometimes throw a strop. You can't always avoid it.
With my DD I found giving her some choices, as you do, was helpful, signposting clearly what we were doing and giving clues - we're going to the park in 10 minutes, we need to get coats and shoes on. Realistic expectations of behaviour, patience, interest, etc. A sense of humour always helped me, if I could get DD to see the funny side she would laugh rather than get upset (she's 13 now and this is still effective!)