5yr Old DS lied at school

MsMiaWallace · 2020-09-30T07:35:28+00:00

Yesterday DS had an accident at school. He got carried away playing & didn't get to the toilet in time so wet himself in the toilet cubicle. This has happened before, no biggie but he has been spoken to about it as it is due to him getting carried away. However he hid in the toilets until the teacher found him (I'm guessing out of embarrassment as he knows it's wrong & he's in yr 1 now). He told the teacher he was hiding as he was scared as his mum & dad would slap him when they found out..... He has NEVER been slapped for anything!! I don't believe in slapping a child for a start. We would discipline in other ways such as confiscating IPad etc if anything. Now I am paranoid that the teacher will be thinking all sorts, putting referrals & other safeguarding things. I'm so upset as slapping is something we have never done as parents. I'm really not sure what to do?

Ohalrightthen · 30/09/2020 09:26

I have to say, this is pretty worrying from a bunch of angles.

1 - from the teacher's perspective, even if they don't think you're physically abusive, they will now have to investigate, they're mandated reporters.

2 - that is a big, scary lie from your son. I'd be very concerned about what on earth gave him the idea to say something like that? Who has he been around/what has he watched/overheard that would put that in his head? Are there threats like that in your marriage? Is he spending unsupervised time on the internet/watching TV? Is there violence like that in friends/families homes?

3 - it's obvious that your son feels a lot of shame/fear around toileting accidents. Accidents at this age are pretty common, and his reaction suggests you're being quite severe in your response.

You need to sit down with him and A) make sure he knows that you would never, ever hit him, no matter what he did, and that it's OK to have accidents, that he won't ever be in trouble for them and B) that telling lies like that is very, very wrong and gets everyone into trouble.

Happyspud · 30/09/2020 09:30

Unlike the previous poster I think that's a classic line from a child. You'll laugh about the situation in the future. For now you need to do damage control. I'd probably be so mortified I'd go back to the teacher for an honest chat and try to both check her reaction to it and reassure her. What else can you do?

Mosasaur · 30/09/2020 09:31

Kids make up lies to cover themselves. At that age I remember telling the teacher I couldn’t play on the grass because my mum would smack me if I dirtied my dress. She wouldn’t - it was just an excuse because I didn’t want to get muddy. Your DS has obviously made up this lie to cover why he was hiding. He’s too little to admit he feels ashamed. You need to speak to him about the possible consequences of lying. My mum told me the authorities would take me away if I kept lying about being smacked, so I stopped.

MadameBlobby · 30/09/2020 09:31

@Ohalrightthen

I have to say, this is pretty worrying from a bunch of angles.

1 - from the teacher's perspective, even if they don't think you're physically abusive, they will now have to investigate, they're mandated reporters.

2 - that is a big, scary lie from your son. I'd be very concerned about what on earth gave him the idea to say something like that? Who has he been around/what has he watched/overheard that would put that in his head? Are there threats like that in your marriage? Is he spending unsupervised time on the internet/watching TV? Is there violence like that in friends/families homes?

3 - it's obvious that your son feels a lot of shame/fear around toileting accidents. Accidents at this age are pretty common, and his reaction suggests you're being quite severe in your response.

You need to sit down with him and A) make sure he knows that you would never, ever hit him, no matter what he did, and that it's OK to have accidents, that he won't ever be in trouble for them and B) that telling lies like that is very, very wrong and gets everyone into trouble.

2 is absolute nonsense. I’ve heard of loads of kids say that completely a propos of nothing. stop trying to scare the OP for no reason.

NerrSnerr · 30/09/2020 09:32

Does he think he's going to be told off for having an accident? It's still fairly common for 5 year olds to have accidents. I would make sure you have a chat with your son that it's ok to have an accident and that he needs to tell someone when he has and they won't be cross.

Ohalrightthen · 30/09/2020 09:37

@MadameBlobby respectfully, i disagree. In my experience working with children, the ones who say things like that are generally the ones who've been exposed to it as a threat, whether on TV or in real life, which at 5 should not have happened, ideally. I'm not trying to scare OP, just recommending she thinks about what her son is picking up, and where. Children who aren't hit and don't see hitting don't tend to tell people they'll be hit, it just doesn't occur to them as a possinbility.

serialreturner · 30/09/2020 09:41

He's very young and probably just embarrassed.

I remember smacking dolls with belts - never happened in our house to us.

I lied to my Mum in P1 about giving away my money for the tuck shop - never happened.

5 year olds are not the most reliable of witnesses.

Flowerpot345 · 30/09/2020 09:43

Hes obviously lied because he didnt want to get into trouble, that being said I would pull him up on it as lies like that can have serious consequences.
Does he usually lie?

Some parents dont take lying seriously in children and it can get out of hand, my step childs lying got ignored which led him to making up the most outrageous stories as he got older, he is very believable when he does it.
His lying has somewhat alienated himself from people.

That being said this could be a one off from your ds, he wont have any marks on him will he so try not to worry about it too much, just explain how horrified you are by what he has said to the teacher and have a talk with ds about the consequences to lying.

MadameBlobby · 30/09/2020 09:48

[quote Ohalrightthen]@MadameBlobby respectfully, i disagree. In my experience working with children, the ones who say things like that are generally the ones who've been exposed to it as a threat, whether on TV or in real life, which at 5 should not have happened, ideally. I'm not trying to scare OP, just recommending she thinks about what her son is picking up, and where. Children who aren't hit and don't see hitting don't tend to tell people they'll be hit, it just doesn't occur to them as a possinbility.[/quote]
OK. But I don’t see how you can disagree with the people I know whose kids have made similar comments when I know for a fact that no one has ever laid a hand on their child.

Ohalrightthen · 30/09/2020 09:53

@MadameBlobby I'm not saying that all kids who say things like that are hit. I'm saying that they're exposed to hitting, via TV or friends or family etc, and it's worth OP thinking carefully about where her son is picking this up from. That was pretty clearly stated in both my posts.

mrsm43s · 30/09/2020 10:44

The sad thing here is that a 5 year old has been "spoken to" about having a toilet accident, and he's now so scared of repercussions when he's had another accident that he's hidden in the toilet and made up stories . He's clearly scared and upset about getting into trouble for wetting himself. No 5 year old should feel like that. It's perfectly normal for 5 year olds to have occasional accidents, and they absolutely shouldn't be being told off for them. Poor child.

Ohalrightthen · 30/09/2020 10:47

@mrsm43s

The sad thing here is that a 5 year old has been "spoken to" about having a toilet accident, and he's now so scared of repercussions when he's had another accident that he's hidden in the toilet and made up stories . He's clearly scared and upset about getting into trouble for wetting himself. No 5 year old should feel like that. It's perfectly normal for 5 year olds to have occasional accidents, and they absolutely shouldn't be being told off for them. Poor child.

This

AlexaShutUp · 30/09/2020 10:51

I'm interested in your comment that he "knows it's wrong" - it makes it sound like he has done something really bad rather than a case of poor impulse control, which isn't at all unusual. Would you normally tell him off for this kind of thing, or do you regard it as an accident?

mytimeonline · 30/09/2020 10:52

I think your first poster is ott.
Children's lies are seen to be clever it's perfectly normal.
Has your child got a change of clothes and a bag to put wet stuff into?
He lied because he was scared or worried and then played the teacher
Speak to the teacher! Get together and have a quick chat these things happen nothings bad or wrong with wet clothes.
Get your sons mindset changed it's ok it happens.

Original poster

MsMiaWallace · 30/09/2020 10:55

No he is not subject to any violence. He does not watch any age inappropriate TV or games
He has no unhealthy relationships.
I have no issues like this within my marriage either.
My children are very well cared for & sheltered from anything of this sort.

He has now said he also wet himself in the toilet as he didn't want to pull his trousers down onto the wet floor in the cubicle as it was wet with wee from other boys.

I have spoken to his teacher this morning, she wasn't concerned.
He has been spoken to about the consequences of such lies.

OP posts:

Ohalrightthen · 30/09/2020 10:56

In that case, I'd address the shame he's feeling around having accidents. Telling him that it's wrong is really not on. He's five!

Original poster

MsMiaWallace · 30/09/2020 10:57

Yes he "knows it wrong" in the sense of he should be going to the toilet.

When he has had accidents before he hasn't been punished just spoken to obviously

OP posts:

Original poster

MsMiaWallace · 30/09/2020 11:00

Any 'shame' is embarrassment of what his friends/teacher would think.
Not through me shaming him!

He wouldn't wear a Mickey Mouse baseball cap to school 2 weeks ago as he said his friends would make fun of him as it's for babies, it's not a babies hat. yes that do get this at 5.

OP posts:

AlexaShutUp · 30/09/2020 11:03

"Wrong" seems to imply some sort of moral judgement, though.

Of course, he should go to the toilet, but he is still learning to manage these issues. He should not be told off for the odd accident.

I'm relieved to hear that he hasn't been punished for these incidents, but I'm not sure what "spoken to" means - is this a telling off or a supportive chat? I note that you use the same phrase to describe what you did about him telling lies, which would imply that it is more of a telling off.

Original poster

MsMiaWallace · 30/09/2020 11:06

Erm no telling off. Spoken to as in speaking to someone in conversation. Offering support & advice.

OP posts:

AlexaShutUp · 30/09/2020 11:07

OK, thank you for clarifying.

mrsm43s · 30/09/2020 11:18

@MsMiaWallace

Erm no telling off. Spoken to as in speaking to someone in conversation. Offering support & advice.

That's reassuring to know, however his reaction certainly seems to be of someone who thinks he's going to get a telling off for having a toilet accident. You might want to gently chat with him to find out why he feels like that.