Low energy and first-time fatherhood

[wildraisins]

This is a very difficult and sensitive topic for me so please be kind if you decide to leave a comment.

My partner has issues with anaemia and fatigue which are lifelong and can't be completely controlled by medication. This means that he gets tired... not just a normal tiredness but a "I need to go and sleep for 3 hours in the middle of the afternoon" kind of tiredness, on a semi regular basis. He works a full time job in a high managerial position so already finds things quite tough to juggle.

We both really, really want to be parents. But we obviously worry about his energy levels. I am 31 and in pretty good health. He is 43 so a little older but I don't think too old to be a dad, however we are both painfully aware that combined with his fatigue he might struggle.

I guess my question to people who are already parents is, do you think that this is going ot be really difficult for us? We don't have much family nearby although we have lots of friends who would be supportive and would hope to make a new support network of parent friends.

I'm definitely happy to put in a bit of extra work and be the one who gets up in the night etc, but having never been a mum before I really don't know how hard it will be! What do you all think? We are so excited by the idea of parenthood and trying to conceive, and just want to know what to expect really. You hear such varying things about how hard it all is!

Thank you and again please be kind

I think it’s manageable if you’re prepared that you might need to put more time in and have people who can help when you both need some sleep. I think you also need to be prepared that you may feel resentful to him even though you’re going into it knowing the situation as I think most couples end up arguing in the first few weeks due to tiredness.

The most difficult times are likely to be if you or the baby get ill. If, for example, you have norovirus and are throwing up/fainting, could he step in? Do you think you could cope with doing feeds every two hours at night on your own? It’s difficult to give you an answer as every baby is different and each parent faces slightly unique challenges. But I think all babies can be pretty tiring!

I think if you’re going into it open eyed and both willing to communicate constantly you’ll be fine, lots of people with disabilities and medical conditions parent very successfully. I agree with a PP that some resentment at potentially not sharing the load equally could set in, but that’s what the communication is important. Perhaps some couples counselling to get good at talking about things in advance could help, and also help think about ways you can split the load in a way that feels equal and fair for YOUR relationship specifically (all couples should do this tbh)

It is manageable, but he may need to think about lifestyle changes to make that work. Presumably he can't take a nap in the middle of the afternoon on a work day, so this is on weekends. If he needs to, he can find ways to rest even with children (though you need to think about who will give YOU a break too, because you'll need it). Friends and a support network are good for loneliness, but they don't often give you a true break (as in, they're great for coffee when you're having a down day, but they don't usually provide childcare - so you'll need to figure out a way to trade off so you each get a break).

But also how can he adjust his life to make it easier to cope? Less stressful job, shorter commute, part-time hours? Would be do better being at home with your dc part of the week to get a break from work? Generally, being a SAHP is more exhausting than working, but if a bit more work-life balance would help, then it's something to consider.

I have on and off issues with anemia and tiredness. I have a genetic trait which means I am prone sto small red blood cells, combined with heavy periods I often become anemic. What is going on that mean they can't be controlled for him? Is there anyway to improve things before you have a baby?

My concern would be if he is just used to bring able to sleep when exhausted will he power through? Or will he just use the medical issues as a reason he needs sleep? Also a big question, how is he when tired? If he's a grumpy arse then that's going to be an issue if you have children.
You say you're happy to put in the extra, but what if you get sick or have pnd?

Oh OP, that's a tough situation. I'm in a smiler position - DH has recently been diagnosed with a chronic condition that will cause fatigue and we have decided not to have a second baby as there's no way I would cope. Honestly, even with both parents firing on both cylinders it is pretty exhausting. That said, we don't have any local extended family support - that would make a big difference.

I think it's totally manageable. Would you be able to afford a nanny even part time? Not that you would definitely need one, but could be helpful if you're struggling.

Thank you all for the comments. Yes we're in a lucky position where hopefully we will be able to afford a bit of childcare to give us a break. I guess it's more the early weeks/ months I worry about when they literally need everything from you.

@peachgreen Yes it's a bit of a worry about lack of family support. Fiance's sister is in London but still about 50 mins train ride away. My brother too although he's still young and not really one for looking after kids! The rest of our family are way across the country.

@mindutopia Sometimes he has to come home from work a bit early on weekdays and collapses into bed. Other times though he is OK for weeks on end, so it varies a lot. Yeah I think we will have to consider ways to get a better balance. I work part time which is good and he would like to cut a day - just difficult to manage practically as his job is so senior.

Luckily we are pretty good at communicating and don't argue much at all (at the moment anyway!) so I'm hoping we will muddle through. We both really want it so we'll find a way.

We both really, really want to be parents.

Then absolutely go for it OP. You will regret it if you don’t!