5 year old hates me

[user1472662923]

I don't even know where to start. When my daughter turned 1 year old, she had a strong preference for her dad (we are together, just). Everyone told me that it would change and that she will prefer mum. 1 year, 2 years, 3 years... She's now nearly 6 and she is still glued to her dad. It kills me inside that every single morning she goes to her dad - she never ever comes to me. Ever. It hurts me like a knife every single morning. She's really strange towards me and won't talk to me first thing. Once the day gets going she comes round a bit but she mostly just shadows her dad. Over the years she's said hurtful things but only to me - 'I don't like your face mummy' and I 'I don't like your eyes'. The latest is that she doesn't 'like my boobies'. This morning she's been avoiding me and dad asked her to let me do her hair. I overheard him say don't keep saying things like that before she came in to the room I was in and asked if I would do my hair. I asked what he said and he was reluctant to tell me. I eventually prised out of him that she said she doesn't think she likes me. I've always tried not to react too much, only with love and kindness (where possible, I'm only human!) but I've just about reached my limit. I honestly don't know what to do any more, it's like she really does genuinely dislike me. I feel like such a failure of a mum, all the other kids at school seem to love their mummy's. I've started to reach the point of whether I should even move it. Worse still, it's making me so depressed that I've even contemplated what the point of being alive is. I know other people will share their experiences of what their kids have said etc and I know people will try to relate. But honestly, it's like this ALL the time :'(

That was meant to say move out

we are together, just
it's making me so depressed that I've even contemplated what the point of being alive is

If your relationship isn’t great and you’re not happy then she’s probably reacting subconsciously to that. I would focus on getting yourself to a better place mentally.

That’s horrible for you OP I’m so sorry you’re having to hear that. One positive is that your partner seems to have your back and isn’t allowing your dd to run her mouth in front of him.

I think if I were in your situation I’d increase 1:1 time with her. Doesn’t have to be “treats” but take her places with you, spend time doing things she likes and things you like. It sounds like you need to build a relationship with her and the only way that will happen is if you invest your time.

You also imply your relationship with DP isn’t strong, maybe worth talking to him about where you’re both at?

My son was like this until I had another baby

He would tell me regularly how he didn’t love me and liked the cat more than me

I became pregnant and told him that it’s ok he doesn’t like me as I’m having another baby who will love me.

He changed throughout my pregnancy to wanting kisses and cuddles from me which he never wanted before
He wanted me to put him to bed which he never wanted before and was happy for me to take him out

The days before that when I had him on my own we’re torture
He didn’t want me to take him anywhere. He didn’t want to talk to me. He didn’t want to do anything with me.
As soon as daddy came home he was happy again.

I’ve no idea why things were like that.

I try not to question it

As PP said, this could well be a reaction to your mental state. Children of depressed mothers often have attachment issues- have you considered speaking to your GP and getting help?

Also, you need to address the rudeness. She's allowed to not like you. She's allowed to prefer her dad. She isn't allowed to make hurtful comments about your appearance etc. Nip that in the bud now.

This sounds really hard for you. My DS was a bit like this but in the last year has switched and now we are much closer. What helped was being very upbeat, sunny and laid back and he seemed to naturally draw closer to me. I also read a really interesting article on aha parenting that had different ideas and games to help you bond. One that really works for me is chasing him telling him how I really need his cuddles and I’ve just got to have him, being very OTT with it. He fights to get away but he finds it hilarious and often asks to play it now.

Hopefully some other posters can offer you more advice.

I feel for you, it is hard. My DD went through a phase where she not only preferred her daddy, it seemed like she really didn't like me at all. Luckily that only lasted around 2-3 months and it was hard enough (for example, I remember one time we were in the park and she didn't want to leave, so I had to hold her and she was literally scratching my face saying "I don't want you, I want daddy". I had a very hard time with these reactions.
I was not reacting very well I think, or overreacting by getting too upset by things she was doing or saying, which was making things worse. If I were you, I wouldn't show her that you get upset by that to be honest, I think that doesn't help (as painful as it can be for you, you shouldn't show it to her) Obviously you shouldn't allow her to make rude comments, she needs to be polite.
As other people have mentioned, I think it is very important that you feel well with yourself and as a couple, I would also focus on that, I am sure that will reflect positively in your relationship with your DD.

Op, instead of focusing on how she reacts to you focus on how you engage with her.

What do you do with her, how do you spend time with her, how do you engage with her compared to how her father does?

How is your behaviour in the house, your general demeanour, if you’re not happy in the relationship does this come across in how you behave.

She will love you but possibly she’s reacting to how you generally feel.

Maybe focusing on how to spend time with her, fun activities, and how to get yourself in a happy frame of mind, may help her to see another side to you?

I am sending hugs to you.. stay strong! You're needed, you just dont feel it yet.

I was completely a daddies girl, arguing with my mum all day since I could remember. (main issue was she was always 'eat this' 'dont play with food' 'wash hands' 'do your homework' 'change your clothes' 'stop doing that - you'll hurt yourself' and with my dad it was always fun and games.

Now at 28 years old I still consider myself a daddys girl but what would i be without my mum! We talk 20 times a day, I turn to her for everything and I miss her a lot now that I live abroad. Our relationship only changed once I grew up (around 24 years old), got married and realised everything she did was for me to be safe, healthy and knowledge.

I wouldn't want your relationship to take so long to heal though.
Maybe do things she likes more - Does she like cooking? cook with her? What is her favourite film? Have 'movie night' with her, pop some popcorn. Try to do fun things together..

She does fundamentally love you, but she might be gravitating towards her father for a range of reasons. I experienced this and solved it (after several years, DC now 9) by:

• low pressure 1:1 regularly (daily if possible, even if only 10 minutes) and positive attention
• not allowing DC to see at all that it was getting to me. DC is allowed to dislike me, but not to be rude.

After a lot of this and a lot of time, it resolved. If it hadn't, I was planning on family therapy. If I were you, I would consider therapy sooner as it sounds like you are not in a good place and your relationship with your DP is not ideal. Repeat: do not take it personally. Sometimes children take out their subconscious difficulties on the person they know is rock-solid.

Also, I know it's easy to say not to take it personally. It is difficult to do though and I don't blame you for being upset. I was too.

As well, if you are having suicidal thoughts, you must see your GP. Don't keep muddling through.

I recommend reading "the book you wish your parents had read (and your children will be glad you did)" by Phillipa Perry. There are two messages that I think you will find relevant and helpful. Firstly how not to be triggered by your children's behaviour, and as such not project your feelings or experiences on to them. And secondly how to heal damaged parent-child relationships with love bombing (essential 24 hours uninterrupted one on one time where the child is always right)
Best of luck xxx

I’d also build and say when you “prised “ it out of your husband what she said, did she hear you. Could she sense something going on?

Again, if your very unhappy, in your relationship, at home, and even have suicidal thoughts, she could be reacting to the atmosphere in the house.

One thing your post doesn’t talk about it is what you do alone with her, how you spend time with her, the activities you do together, the relationship building elements. And you don’t talk about the atmosphere at home, how your unhappiness manifests it’s self.

I think these are the things to focus on.

How does her Dad speak to you? Is she just copying what she sees him do?

Hello, I know this is quite an old thread but I was wondering how things are now, OP? It sounds really difficult and I do feel for you. I have insecurities about my 5yo dd preferring her dad, and it can feel like such a heavy shame. Hard not to show the upset but that does seem to be key. I hope things have improved for you and you’re in a better place.

My 6 year old prefers dad. Makes me wonder why I even bother sometimes tbh