My dd was hit yesterday at school by a classmate, can you give any advise?

[cheeset]

I posted a thread last week -'can a 5yo be accused of bullying?'
I wonder if you guys could have a look at my post because things have moved on and I would appreciate your help and advice.

My dd was really upset yesterday as the girl who was mentioned in that thread, hit her. The teacher asked if the class liked a certain fruit and my dd was smiling and saying yes and the other girl said 'STOP BEING SO HAPPY!' and hit my dd on her leg. This is the same girl that 'the parents' complained about in the other thread.

This morning my dd came rushing out of school dumping her book bag and lunch box in order to get to me and was crying. I had a word with the teacher and explained about what happened yesterday and I explained to her that I am friends with this girls mother and it was so difficult. She settled my dd down and asked my dd to tell her if she is unhappy or if this ever happens again.

I was told by the teacher last week,that they sat this girl next to my dd to settle her behaviour down. I wasn't too happy about this but left it as my dd is so, so tolerant and understanding and things this girl says or does to her just passes over my dd's head.

Last week I felt like piggy in the middle between 'the parents' who complained about the girl and the girls mother because she is my friend but I just can't bear to think about my dd being so unhappy when she is such a poppett and usually so happy.

I feel as though I can't let this get any further at school just incase the head finds out because anything I say in confidence to her, will be relayed to the girls mother (my friend).

The head told the mother what 'the parents' had discussed with her last week and broke confidentiality.

I have been there for this mother in the past because of her dd's behaviour but if I'm really honest, she needs to work on her relationship with her dd as it is not what it should be. She seems to be so hostile to her dd and seems to lack empathy for her needs because I think she needs help herself.

She is currently attending a stress management course and is trying in some way to resolve issues in her life but it is so obvious she needs help with her relationship between her dd.

I am being judgemental, because I have tried to help her so many times but my dd needs my help now.

Confused

Dont have any advice, except would it be too extreme to ask for your dd to be moved to another class?

Yes I think way too extreme, wouldn't dream of that.

OK speak to the head again, but ensure he knows that you know he discussed your conversation last time, that you are not happy about it, and will take it further should he/she do it this time.

Can you not insist on your DD being sat away from this girl in class?

And whilst it is of course great that you have sympathy for your friend your first, your primary loyalty is to your daughter. NOTHING is more important than that.
My DD was constantly placed with a little boy with huge issues. The staff did it because DD was "so calm and helpful ...because her brother has ASD".
As a result DD was grabbed and hit and manhandled by the little boy who had no concept of personal space. I knew his mother ( although we were friendly but not friends IYKWIM)but I just had to get them to change this way of dealing with it as my DD was effectively being placed in an impossible situation because she was nice!NO one else would go near this little boy who became possesive about DD and kept her seperate from the other kids.
Speak to the Head and be very clear that you know he has broken confidences before and that you will take it further if he does not behave professionally this time.
Could you have the little girl over and supervise their play so that you get a chance to encourage nice play instead of hitting etc.
Make notes .

Hi, I havent spoken with the head.

The parent's of another girl who feel their dd is being bullied, spoke with the head then the head blabbed to the girls mother about what the parents had asked 'can you move this girl into another class'

The mother(my friend) was not HP about the parents wanting her dd moved and this has caused animosity between the two mums.

IMO, the head cannot be trusted.

Yes I will ask for my dd to be moved but surely I am subjecting another child to this girls behaviour?

How can I get the mother and daughter some help without the head blabbing stuff to the mother(my friend)?

I used to have the mother and dd over alot as they live close by but we have a cetain understanding that our dd's don't play well together.

Her dd is a very anxious child and can be really nasty to my dd. When she used to come over, she would get very emotional and be constantly at my dd by saing things if you don't give me that your not my friend.My dd just isn't like that, she used to be oblivious in some ways to this behaviour but it was not nice to listen to. I perservered with her behaviour by correcting it when it happened and had so much patience with her but I feel her negativity is rubbing off on my dd.

I feel sad for this child and her mother, I just want them to have a good relationship.

Cheeset
Of course you are subjecting another child to this girls behaviour but
a) you have to protect your daughter first
and
b) the school may actually start taking this seriously if more than one parent raises the issue. Surely that is more likely to effect some change in your friend and her child's life.

I did suggest in my earlier post that you could invite the child to play when you can supervise - that may help and let your daughter see that you are there to protect her.
As the mother of an SN child I am of course sympathetic to this little girls situation and anything you can do to help is brilliant. But my focus right now would be my DD. However resilient your child seems she is unlikely to be unscathed by a dominant 'bully' figure being attatched to her and this childs issues need to be mended by adults who can handle it. Not by your DD.

My DD is pretty tough but just a couple of weeks with the little boy dominating and isolating her had a big impact - she was suddenly much quieter and anxious. I wouldn't let it continue. But I do admire your concern for all involved.

Thanks pagwatch, I'ts so hard for me to watch the mother and dd together because they just seem so unhappy, makes me want to cry....

When the mother collects her dd from sch, the dd comes out and asks' Where are we going?' The mothers says 'nowhere' and then it all kicks off, screaming and crying.

The dd wants to go somewhere other then home and the mother pulls a face and says 'here we go again' and they are both bloody miserable. Such a terrible pattern of behaviour. She dreads morning,tea time and bedtime routines with the dd but I believe I can see what the dd needs, she just needs some patience and understanding and tolerance.

Speak to the teacher, speak to the head, speak to whichever of the govenors you can get hold of, that's what they are there for! If anyone blabs to the mother of the other child, if you've got weight behind you, it might help her to get help for herself and her child. her child is not your responsibilty - your dd is. Get everyone in authority to do their jobs - bullying is not permitted.

The mother has other children, oldest is in their 20's and she tells me the others weren't like this and I keep saying to her that her dd is different from the others.

captainmummy, your right about speaking to the powers that be but I wish it wasn't about a friend.

Part of me wonders why I am friends with her? How can I be friends with someone who treats their dd like this?

She is reasonable, fair and understanding with a GSOH and we are comfortable with each other but she has a fighting spirit developed due to her past. I fear there maybe fallout from this situation and it wont be nice.

I am a coward

cheeset you may be a coward (me too) but your dd needs someone to stand up for her. She's obviously too young to stand up to this girl, and her mother, and the head....It's tough and probably will be uncomfortable for a while, but do something.For her. Go behnid her back and get other people (in authority) to talk (blab) to this woman. Even if she is a 'friend' surely it's 'only' a 'school-gates' friend?

Your right captain, I need to get some bl backbone.

I was going to have a word with the teacher about moving dd somewhere else anyway but I think I need to mention in some way shape or form, about the mother and dd's relationship and how it could be better. I truly believe it can be better thats what's so annoying, but it doesnt feel nice interferring in someone elses life, what makes me so damn perfect do you know what I mean?

another thing you can do is maybe go in to help in the class - not for all day but it can't hurt to let the other girl see you watching over your dd She must know that it's unacceptable behaviour? Anyway her behaviour in school is the school's responsibilty - they must be abl to protect DD while in class. (PS the heads behaviour is totally wrong and this should be mentioned to the govenors. And to Ofsted if possible. Out of order.)

Yes I think her lack of confidentiality is very poor and this is not the first time her actions have been called into question. Such a long story but I constructed a 7 page letter about this woman before and I didnt act so maybe I should now.

Funny, sometimes you just cant bury your head in the sand can you? sometimes things just won't go away.....

Thanks for your advise captain, the jist/gist? is that I need to tell someone in authority about all of it and to develope a backbone!

I feel happier now kid! thanks.

Or should I say eye eye captain!

it's because my DS3 used to say 'ay ay captain mummy!' if I asked him to do anything. He didn't do it, mind.....

Excuse me, i'm having a thick day(eye,eye)

Sound advise, thanks.