Awful feelings - how to cope

[Somewheresomeonecan]

My little girl is now seven months. It hasn’t been straightforward- she’s had reflux, CMPA and isn’t a good sleeper. Even now she will wake up each night in the early hours and just scream inconsolably for an hour or more.

But the real problem is me. I cry every day. I feel like I have ruined my life by having a child and then feel like the most dreadful, awful person for having these thoughts. I feel so isolated from other mums beyond superficial chit chat because I can’t let anyone know how I really feel as I’ll reveal myself as the awful monster I am. I feel so guilty to have brought my daughter into the world and not to feel complete joy. I worry that I’m irredeemably harming her by my failure to properly bond. I hate myself for failing her so badly and for failing to be a proper loving mum.

I guess what I wanted to ask is whether anyone else has ever felt anything similar, and if so, when it got better. Can you bond with your child even at this late stage or is this just how it will always be for me?

(Please don’t just tell me I’m a dreadful mother - I’m well aware of that already)

You are not an awful monster. I think you may have postnatal depression, which is very common. Please talk to your GP or HV and they will help you.

It’s hard, really hard. But you are not a bad mother, and it will get better. 💐

Please please be much nicer to yourself! And have a look through mumsnet- there’s literally thousands of women who have been in the same boat of you, myself included. It took me about a year to feel really strongly in love with my son. I had bad pnd, and felt so guilty for how I was feeling, but I think it’s actually very common. Also, having a baby in Covid times must be so incredibly hard. Have you got a health visitor to talk to, or a GP? They will be able to reassure you, and offer help. You are not a terrible mum, you’re in the hardest time, and it will definitely get better x

Hi. I very rarely post but had to reach out to you because your story is so similar to mine (even down to the word monster - I know exactly that terrible feeling and have often used that word to describe myself). The reality is that you are probably suffering from PND and need some professional help. People very gently suggested this might be the case to me but I was determined not to hear it. To cut a very long story short, I ended up coming very close to a complete breakdown last year (DS is now 9) because I had carried these feelings for so long. It has taken me medication and many hours of therapy to accept what I went through and learn how to deal with it. If I could go back and do one thing differently in my life, I would have sought help when ds was a baby. Instead I endured years of feeling how you describe and drove myself to the darkest of places. Believe me, you’re not a terrible mum, you’re a sick one. Please speak to someone, anyone, and get help tomorrow. First thing. I know how hard it is to admit this but nobody will judge you. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your child. Pm if you need to talk x

I felt like that with my first

It changed at about 11 months I think

I had second baby 4 months ago and it’s been a very different story and we bonded quickly and I’m a lot happier

Looking back I now recognise that first time round I had PND and I wish I had got help

You sound like textbook PND. I had it and I wish I had been self aware to seek help instead of hiding from it.

Echo all these responses. I had a very unsettled newborn and had severe PND/anxiety. I don't think I could honestly say I loved my child until closer to a year, possibly more. I cared for her and wanted to protect her but there was no real bond.

It took me until quite recently to say her name. That must sound mad but I just couldn't call her anything apart from 'the baby' because I just felt so detached.

I was well supported by perinatal mental health services and took medication but honestly I think time has helped me most. She is an utter joy now at 14 months and very loving so I don't think she was damaged by my difficulty bonding.

Reach out for help and keep talking. Loads of women feel like you but they just don't talk about it. Things can and will get better. Sending strength and hugs

@Ihaveoflate

Echo all these responses. I had a very unsettled newborn and had severe PND/anxiety. I don't think I could honestly say I loved my child until closer to a year, possibly more. I cared for her and wanted to protect her but there was no real bond.

It took me until quite recently to say her name. That must sound mad but I just couldn't call her anything apart from 'the baby' because I just felt so detached.

I was well supported by perinatal mental health services and took medication but honestly I think time has helped me most. She is an utter joy now at 14 months and very loving so I don't think she was damaged by my difficulty bonding.

Reach out for help and keep talking. Loads of women feel like you but they just don't talk about it. Things can and will get better. Sending strength and hugs

Aw good luck to you- I’m a couple of years post PND, and honestly, things get exponentially better, especially with professional help. See OP- it’s a well worn path, and people do get better!

My now 17 year old had undiagnosed silent reflux and screamed a lot and didn't sleep apart from a 6/7 hour slot overnight.

It was hell, nearly broke me, still makes me shudder.

It's very hard absolutely explore PND do not suffer without support and help.

She was DC3 out of 4, had she been my eldest I truly don't think there would have been another one.

Thank you everyone for all your responses. I’m so sorry that others have felt this way too but it honestly means so much to know that there has been light at the end of the tunnel and also that I’m not alone in feeling this way. The tremendous shame I feel and the isolation that goes with that is particularly difficult.

I think deep down I know that I need to give the GP a call. But I’m actually afraid of them saying that I don’t have PND and thereby validating all my fears about myself being a terrible person - if that makes any sense at all? I’m going to try and put this to one side though and challenge myself to get an appointment this week.

You're not an awful mother.

You're doing your best in a really hard time

Please speak to the GP about baby and the HV about you.

Let another think Corona sucks for because I bet if you were at all the usual baby groups you'd see so many mom's struggling and so many babies being little beasts

Sending you hugs

How are you feeling this morning?

I know it may feel very daunting, but how about seeing if you can get an appointment? “I feel terrible. My friend [actually loads of mumsnetters] thinks I have post natal depression. Please could you help me?” might be a good way to start.

Good luck. 💐

Thanks so much for checking in. I’ve been trying to get a GP appointment but have just given up after waiting in a queue for 50 mins. I’m going to try again later today or tomorrow though. It’s a beautiful day and all I want to do is close the curtains and curl up in bed - and the rational part of my brain is telling me that’s not normal and I should speak to someone sooner rather than later to get this sorted.

I had a child with severe reflux and even without depression it was nearly unbearable at times.

When I then had two other babies without it, I felt so sorry for my first-time self - I had no idea how much harder we were having it than most other mums I met, I just looked around and thought 'well they all say that their baby is sleepless and cries, but they seem to cope', but it's seriously a different world. Give yourself a break and a pat on the back, keep in contact with the GP, and call in any favours needed to get a proper rest.

It doesn't always help at the time, but this truly is a phase and truly will pass. My refluxy baby was relaxed by 18 months, and is now nearly 8 and very calm, quiet and brought me breakfast in bed on the weekend . My chilled out #2 started to really wake up at 24 months and at 5 years old is (ahem) 'spirited'... things will work out over time.

I wonder if your Hralth Visitor can make an appointment for you?

She should have a seperate phone number to get through to the surgery, or she can email them.

Absolutely see your GP - I agree with everyone that it sounds like PND - but also:

She’s had reflux, CMPA and isn’t a good sleeper. Even now she will wake up each night in the early hours and just scream inconsolably for an hour or more.

My son was like this. One day he just stopped screaming at night. And now he is a (mostly) delightful two year old. But it was not easy, and even without PND it was a tough time.

Hang in there. See your GP. The sleeping will get better. Look after yourself in the meantime.

Thank you - I needed to hear that about the reflux - it has been brutal. And to be honest the GP has been pretty useless. I feel I have had to fight all the way. Eg being told that my baby screaming for eight hours straight is “just what babies do” and “am I a first time mum?”. She’s not as bad now but it’s still horrible when she’s unsettled at night. She can just scream and scream and scream for hours (i.e three hour sessions) and nothing seems to help - sushing, holding her, stroking, calpol. I just don’t know how to help her and the doctors just dismiss it as colic (at seven months?!) and refuse to see her because of Covid. None of which helps how I feel because I just feel useless that I can’t soothe my baby and everyone else keeps saying how much easier it is now - and I still feel in the thick of it.

Sorry - I know I come across as such as a whinger - it’s just the panic that (a) I don’t know how to help her and (b) this will never get any better

You're not a whinger, you're exhausted and worried and trying to help her and probably doing nothing for yourself.
We were in an overseas country where we had plenty of access to specialists and medication, and specialist formula and breastfeeding exclusion diets, and nothing made a difference but time, if I did it over again I'd stop looking for a cure, eat whatever I wanted and just take it day by day.

For the nighttime scream sessions, I'd sometimes sit bouncing on my birthing ball, he seemed to like the movement, so long as it was a while after a feed, sometimes I'd even put him in the ergobaby if my arms were exhausted and go for a walk. It didn't often or always help, but at least I could listen to music or an audiobook, it helped me to stay calm.

Talk to friends, be honest about your situation and how hard you are finding it. Often friends with slightly older kids are better support - there's less of an element of competition or well-intentioned but unhelpful advice, and they have more time and will never judge if they come over and your baby cries for an hour. I used to go to a single mum friend's house and hold her baby while she had a shower and dried her hair, I loved holding a new baby, it didn't bother me if he cried sometimes, and I knew enough to know whether he was fussing a bit or really upset and needed her. Bet you have more friends who can help than you think, even in covid. Good luck!