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Original poster

My friend's son keeps hurting my boys. What would you do?

37 replies

whatshouldidoaboutthis · 10/10/2007 10:10

My friend, who I've known for about a year, has two sons aged 5 and 7 and I have two aged 5 and 3.
The two five-year-olds were in the same class at school but started year 1 in different classes.
My friend's five-year-old is a bit of a nightmare when it comes to hurting other children. The last time we went to his house for tea after school, he dugs his fingernails into DS1's arm and kicked DS2 in the stomach. He's always been really cruel to DS2 and I have to keep a very close eye on him to make sure he doesn't get hurt.
Every time we see this child he does something nasty to either DS1 or DS2, or another friend of theirs who's in DS1's class. His mother 'tells him off' in a halfhearted way and threatens punishments (eg the boy won't have any cake after tea if he keeps behaving badly) but never follows through. So the boy knows he can do what he likes and there are never any consequences. She's said she doesn't mind me telling her son off, which I do, but there's only so far I can go. I can't impose punishments on someone else's son and also I feel it's up to her to address her child's behaviour.
The boy, as far as anyone knows, doesn't have any SN but I and lots of others (including his mum) feel he is very immature for his age.
So what do I do about this situation? I don't want to cut my friend off, because she doesn't have a lot of other friends and I think she's a bit despressed and I don't want to make her feel worse. But on the other hand I can't stand by any longer while my children (and others) are constantly hurt by this boy. Also it's difficult to see my friend without the children in tow.
It really is a difficult situation and any advice would be appreciated.

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Original poster

whatshouldidoaboutthis · 10/10/2007 10:17

Anyone?

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peggotty · 10/10/2007 10:23

If the mum is depressed it sounds like her son might be reacting to this? Is it totally impossible arrange to meet her with no kids in tow at all, so you can maintain the friendship without the kids being involved? TBH you can't force her to discipline her ds, and if the situation is totally unbearable you may need to just cut right down on the amount of time you spend with her.

Original poster

whatshouldidoaboutthis · 10/10/2007 10:28

No, not totally impossible to see her without the children but difficult, as they time we're all free tends to be those hours after school. Also we go to the playground after school quite often and her boys go too, so keeping them apart is difficult, although this will probably get easier with the cold wet weather.

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cornsilk · 10/10/2007 10:29

I have a friend whose son went through a phase of being unkind to my ds2. I would arrange to meet at play areas so that ds2 wasn't forced to play with him and could disappear off - which he did without me telling him to. Now the other boy seems to have grown out of that phase and they get along really well, so we meet up at each other's homes again.

newgirl · 10/10/2007 10:34

after school is tricky as they can be tired and hungry

what about an hour in the park at weekends/holidays? then they have more to do and you can stand and chat

Original poster

whatshouldidoaboutthis · 10/10/2007 10:34

Thing is it's been a year and there are no signs of improvement. And he's just as bad at the playground as he is in people's houses.
Thanks for the responses. Anyone else?

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Original poster

whatshouldidoaboutthis · 10/10/2007 10:35

He was just as bad in the summer holidays newgirl.

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edam · 10/10/2007 10:38

Oh, you can't let your poor dses be tormented by some rotten child who continually hurts them and gets away with it. Meet up sans children or tell her that you will have to bow out because her ds's behaviour is not fair to your children.

edam · 10/10/2007 10:39

I mean, whatever his problems are (and sounds like a mother who doesn't enforce boundaries, tbh) your children are not responsible and shouldn't have to put up with being hit. Your job is to protect them first and foremost.

Original poster

whatshouldidoaboutthis · 10/10/2007 10:44

You're right Edam, the problem is extricating myself and DSs. We've got into a routine of taking it in turns to go to each other's houses once a week so cutting that off without telling her why would be difficult. So you reckon I should just be upfront and tell her the reason why?

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edam · 10/10/2007 10:46

Yes, tbh. Not an easy conversation to have, but I think it's necessary if you can't just bow out.

Obviously be as non-confrontational and understanding as you can, but I do think you have to be firm that you can't let your children be hurt any more.

elescarybells · 10/10/2007 10:49

agree with edam

i would be upfront and tell her what the problem is. it might just make her address the problems with her child. its not fair on your children to have to put up with it.

Original poster

whatshouldidoaboutthis · 10/10/2007 10:50

Thanks. I guess I'm just trying to avoid making her feel bad because she's already a bit depressed, her relationship with her DP is on the rocks and her life's just a bit of a car crash in general at the moment.

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oreGOREnianabroad · 10/10/2007 10:50

The soft option would be to broach the subject of behaviour and talk about how you are finding it difficult with your 2, and wait to see if she takes the bait. However, I now this might be hard, but I would try being more direct and saying something like, 'I'd really like to talk to you about your DS's behaviour but I am worried I might upset you.' Avoid mentioning that others are aware of the problem, and focus on what you feel about the situation. Allow her a chance to talk too -- she may be at her wits end and not know what to do either. Put yourself in her shoes; you would want her to approach you, wouldn't you?

Original poster

whatshouldidoaboutthis · 10/10/2007 10:53

Oregonian, I have himted many times but she hasn't taken the bait. i think she knows there's aproblem with him but has her head stuck in the sand.
Her DP thinks the boy has 'behavoural problems' and should be seen by a professional but she refuses to listen to him.

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edam · 10/10/2007 10:55

well, you can sympathise with her, and have a supportive conversation, while making it clear you can't meet up with the children any more. If it upsets her despite being tactful that's a shame, but this can't carry on.

oreGOREnianabroad · 10/10/2007 10:58

Then go for the tough option. I would open the conversation as I said below, and then ask her what she feels can be done because you don't want to impose discipline on her child but you can't accept him hurting your los anymore. Have a couple of suggestions ready yourself -- e.g., you could suggest using a temporary timeout (immediate removal from the situation for a couple of minutes) that could be imposed by either of you, and/or she could roleplay hurting behaviour and how it makes others feel with his toys at bedtime (this worked with my ds but he's only 2.6)?

oreGOREnianabroad · 10/10/2007 10:59

I would still try to help her as I said below first and then bow out as a last option if you did not feel she was addressing the behaviour.

newgirl · 10/10/2007 11:01

its really hard i do sympathise

i think your priority is to your child now though not to your friend

what message does it give your child if he sees you let him be hit?

perhaps say something like - 'my ds is so tired we cant make this tues' or whatever, and cool it down gradually - if she asks if it is because of the fighting you could say - 'yes it is awkward - maybe lets give them some time apart' - so you are not having a go at her

Original poster

whatshouldidoaboutthis · 10/10/2007 11:08

Ok, I'll have a go at talking to her about it. I feel bad enough already that my boys are in a situation where they're getting hurt, and also I don't want them to learn from this boy that you can hurt someone and get away with it. They do enjoy going to his house/having him and his brother to ours, apart from when he turns nasty on them, usually for no reason.

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MrsSeanSlater · 10/10/2007 12:17

Kaz33 · 10/10/2007 12:32

Children often behave much better when there mum is not there, kids who aren't getting much attention at home often play up on playdates when mum is there. It sounds like this boy needs things turned around and loads of attention.

What is the 7 year old like? Does he stay out of it?

MrsSeanSlater · 10/10/2007 12:34

The seven-year-old is better than his brother but also ignores his mum if she tells him to do something or tells him off. The older boy is also the dad's obvious favourite, which doesn't help either.

MrsSeanSlater · 10/10/2007 12:40

Oops, outed myself

oreGOREnianabroad · 10/10/2007 13:21

Another thing I have just thought of:

These things are phases our children need our help growing out of. Hopefully ( he will grow out of this, for your friend's sake and also for his own!

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