I can’t cope with my 13yo DS

[Kitfish]

My 13yo DS's behaviour is awful and we don't know what to do.

He regularly has terrible tantrums which will go on for hours. He can be violent to us during these. He is constantly (verbally) abusive to his sister (which is impacting her mental health). He plays on computer games for hours each day and any attempt to remove him from these results in a major meltdown/tantrum. He is a very fussy eater (refusing to eat the vast majority of meals presented to him). He does nothing around the house to help. He will poo in his pants and leave it on the floor of his room for us to clear up. I could go on.

Academically he is very bright and there are no problems at school - where he is considered to be a model pupil, if somewhat quiet in class.

I think he may have ASD (Asperger's) but ed psych / psychologist's assessments have come back inconclusive in the past and, because he is so bright (he is in Mensa) and high functioning I have not seen any benefit in pushing for a diagnosis.

I have been to the GP in the past about his behaviour and have not been taken seriously / fobbed off.

I am at my wit's end. As an example, last night we cooked him a special meat (meatballs and pasta - one of only 4 meals he will eat). He started eating without any interaction and his sister said (nicely) to him that we had just cooked him a meal and maybe it would be nice for him to say thank you. As a result of this he started having a major tantrum - screaming shouting, telling me repeatedly I should punish his sister for saying this and - because I wouldn't react to his screaming at me - he took his plate of food at threw at me. It went all over me. He refused to apologise - telling us we were being abusive for not punishing his sister. He refuse to abide by any of the sanctions we imposed and screamed violently for the rest of the evening.

We tried family therapy through Relate recently, but that proved futile as my DS refused to attend or engage in any of the sessions. Eventually the therapist told us there was nothing he could do under the circumstances - so we gave that up.

I love my son to bits - but I am finding it hard being abused in my own home. This has been going on for years and there seems no end in sight - if anything it seems to be getting worse.

Can anyone give me some advice as to where I can turn and/or what I can do - because I am running out of ideas.

Help!

Hi OP

We're just moving this over to parenting for you.

What's your family set up? Is Dad living there too?
Sounds like a negative cycle and there is something bothering him. He sounds depressed.
I would actually agree with him that given his current volatile moods, his sister should at have said that. Whilst you might like him to say thank you, given his current state of mind, I woukd say that was slightly provocative. I would also think about whether you are clearly showing favoritism to his sister during this time as that will escalate his feelings and keep him playing the same role that he currently is.

Have you considered boarding school?

You need a diagnosis but that doesn’t help in the short term. He could serious injure one of you now. I would get in touch with his school, GP etc

I'm so sorry you're all going through this - it sounds horrendous.

I don't have any experience of parenting teens, but there were a couple of red flags for ASD that jumped out at me: soiled pants (differences in interoception) and extreme sense of fairness around the sister comment/ lack of punishment. I would go back to the GP and push for a camhs referral listing all the behaviours you've mentioned. The National Autistic Society have excellent resources and you don't need a formal diagnosis to access them. Have a look on their website. You could also speak to the school's SENCO and ask for their support in a re-referral to the EP. It's outrageous that a high functioning profile is dismissed - ASD can be present regardless of academic ability.

You need support for all your sakes but unfortunately in these times you may have a fight to get it. I hope someone comes along soon with actual advice. Good luck - I hope you get the support you all need.

@DeeplyMovingExperience

Have you considered boarding school?

The solution is not to send a distressed child away.

OP, look for autistic parenting advice. Lots on lower functioning, I found, which is difficult if you have an Asperger's child like I do, but there are some nuggets out there. Whether you have a dx or not, just accepting that he is will change your mindset and allow for adaptations that will make life easier. Treating a NT like they have Aspergers will not harm them, but treating and aspergers child like an NT one may do.

Have you spoken to peopple from pastoral care or the senco from school. They be able to offer some support. Can you put ina routine at home, which allows time for computers, time for home work and time for chores.?

Agree completely with WickedEmoji.

Check out Energy Accounting for an explanation for why he seems to manage at school and meltdown at home.

@Daisydaisy3 - yes dad is at home.