"Unique" family mum guilt

[PerminantlyExhaustedPigeon]

Please bear with me as this may be a little long winded & please refrain from judgement as this has taken a lot of consideration

okay, so... I have 2 BEAUTIFUL girls -DD1 who is 6 & 1/2 (P) & DD2 who is 10 weeks Sunday 27/9 (E) who I am completely in love with & only want the best for.

Whilst I was pregnant with P I suffered a psychiatric breakdown (many different factors lead to this) & due to this I lost custody of P, thankfully my mother & step-father hold an SGO - which is a million times better than the alternative! I see her every 2 weeks, FaceTime/calls whenever possible, daily updates & I still financially provide for her (clothes/school uniform/school trips/savings account - my mother does not want maintenance for her as we'd rather it go to her savings). We are a very unconventional family but we make the best of it & count our blessings that P is still in our lives ♥️

In July I gave birth to E. She has a different father & there absolutely no concerns have been raised about my MH as I have not had any issues (except from job related anxiety in 2017). I have full custody of E & we are absolutely thriving! She is the happiest most content little soul. The difference in my life between E & P is astronomical. *
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But every time I spend time with P I feel so guilty that I'm not allowed be a proper mum to her. I know I can be a great mum to her! I try my hardest to make every minute I spend with her memorable & precious but I can't help feeling guilty for the way our lives are. P gets a bit jealous of her sister (which I anticipated from the start) but she is a very proud sister & is extremely good with her. I've spoken to my current partner (E's dad - P's bio-dad is no longer around) & mother about this but they'll never understand.

My partner is amazing with both my girls & loves P as if she were his. He gives me the time to spend time with P without E in tow - which I have done - but I STILL feel awfully guilty.

I'm not sure what I'm expecting out of this, I just wanted a rant I suppose 🤷🏼‍♀️

If your life is back on track, why can't you have P back to live with you full time?

As above, really. I would have thought that P's alternative living arrangements would be temporary and that Social Services would look for your recovery and having her move back with you.

Why haven’t you challenged the SGO?
Surely during all your pre-natal SS visits, this must’ve come up?

Why can't P now live with you?

This must be an incredibly challenging situation to be in. I don't mean to sound insensitive but I think was inevitable.
I would have thought you woukd have prioritised getting the child you already have back before deciding to have any more children. That decision will have a further impact on your older child who has already been through an incredible amount thus far in her life.
No one knows the full situation of what is happening but I assume you are trying everything you can to have her back with you.

Aren't SGO's a permeant court order? i would think that you could see her more than fortnightly though.

@essexmum777 Technically they are permanent until 18, BUT they certainly can be changed if the parent has made significant changes (which it sounds as though OP might’ve done).

If you are capable of having E full time then is there any way for P to be with you full time? I’m proud of you for posting and even more proud that you managed to get your life back x

Having P back full time is the ultimate goal. Me & my partner have discussed this at length. But we would feel incredibly selfish taking her away from her Nanny & other family (I live in a large town 45 minutes away), her friends & upsetting her routine. She also attends a fantastic village school with small classes whereas I'm in a large town where the schools aren't as "good" & have huge classes (which would impact her education massively). Also feel it would be incredibly unsettling for her to just be plucked out of her life as she knows it & has a whole new family to navigate (if that makes sense).

I had 1 visit from SS in February just for a chat to see how things were in my life now & to see if there was any cause for concern (which there isn't clearly) & there has been no further contact or involvement from them.

We will be seeking legal advice on the situation but things have been made a bit more difficult with COVID & the fact my maternity pay is terrible.

I only want what is best for both my daughters & it's a bit of a double ended sword at the moment. Whilst it kills me everyday that I don't have both my babies here with me I know P is such a happy content child that I feel guilty for wanting her here.

(Contact was court ordered fortnightly so until I have that order changed it will unfortunately remain that way - although I do have special allowances for special occasions like Christmas/birthdays/Mother's Day etc.)

Could you move to the same village? Then she could come every weekend / for tea a few times per week while you work back up to her coming home full time.

Can you not move to where she is? or a lot nearer so she coudl stay at the same school etc and tehn her younger sib could go there too in time althogh there wont be much crossover age wise...

or work together with your mum / social services on moving toward secondary school either nearer you or you moving nearer to one... I know that seems a long way off but the application for her school will be in 3 years time and as you knw these things dont move quickly..

maybe a planned approach with a goal in mind so you increase frequency of contact so you have both time with her and with both teh chidlren together....if possible- iam not sure how SGO work legally....

Well done for getting yourself into a healthier situation and for caring so much about your girls. I think you’re right that pulling your eldest back suddenly wouldn’t be good for her but she is still very little. My advice would be to go back to court and see if you can coparent with your mum, with increasingly contact. I think SS would see you want to do this the right way.

I think you need to at least talk to P and tell her that you love her and want her back with you but are worried that she'll miss her Nanny and friends.

Even though she's 6 she's still a person and should get some say in what is happening as well as reassurance that she's at the centre of your decisions.

In the absence of that P will be coming to her own conclusions about why you haven't had her back and they'll be along the lines of not being wanted.

Also interested why you can't move closer to P?

Sorry also yes....massive congrats on getting your life back on track and your mental health back.

I've been there and I know it's not easy