Someone explain wtf this is

[bloomety]

DS2 is driving my crazy by saying he wants something then when I go to give him it screaming he doesn't. The worst is at nap time. I put him in bed all the while he's shaking me off so he can go on the floor. He's then on the floor and says "want sleep on floor". I say "ok, have a nice sleep", to which he screams "WANT SLEEP IN BED!" to which I say "ok then". "No" he'll say. I then leave the room and hear him run to the door and open it and start crying and shouting "want sleep in bed". I ignore him for a while and eventually I'll go up and say to him to go in his bed. He'll say no!!

Another example today at the park he had his scooter. He didn't want to leave the skate park but there were bigger boys so o said let's go. He was crying and kicking etc so I lifted him and his scooter up and carried him away. I put him down and he wouldn't move. So I started walking away and he said "want go on scooter". I told him to go on it and he said no

What on earth is this behaviour? I can't make sense of it and it's driving me mad.

Is he aged 2 or 3? Perfectly normal at that age! I smile and try to ignore!

I remember when my niece was that age and her entire vocabulary consisted of "no", or more accurately, "NOOOOOOOO!!!"

She's now in her 30s with two of her own . It does pass.

I am also assuming your child is 2ish? My DD is 2 and does this a lot, fun times!

Yes he's 2. It makes no sense though. It's not just that he's saying no. It's that he's asking for something and when I try to give him it or help him with it he says no! That's the bit I don't understand. Why ask for something if you don't really want it? Does he want to go in bed? Does he want to go on his scooter? He asks her when I do it he says no

You're trying to project rational adult behaviour onto a 2 year old. The requests are (in his head at any rate) entirely separate from the "no".

The "no" is a developmental stage. He's experimenting with the realisation he's a separate person from you, that he has different wants from yours, that he can set boundaries (even if they're totally capricious and arbitrary, and in this case, follow hot on the heels of a request for the thing he's just requested!)

Think of it as a necessary developmental stage by asking yourself the question "what would an adult (or even an older child) look like who'd never gained the ability to say 'no'?" They have to go through this stage, annoying as it is.

request for the thing he's now rejecting.

Dammit, it's getting to the end of the week and I'm tired.

My son is 4 and still does this...aaaaarrrrggghhh

He wants to be in control. If you suggest it or agree with it, he wants to do the opposite. It isn't about his scooter, the floor or his bed, it is about getting his way.

He is learning how to get what he wants, if you don't teach him how to get what he wants the right way (as a reward for good behaviour/asking nicely) he will find another way (kicking screaming, arguing etc).

The thought of our little angels as controlling seems strange, but it is a life skill just like anything else. He may also use the chaotic bed routine as a way to stay up longer (what he wants).

When putting him to bed read him a story/sing him a song if he is in bed, but not if he is on the floor. If he gets out of bed after the story, tell him he isn't getting a story tomorrow because he is being naughty.

If you go out and he misbehaves, come home early and the next time you are going out for any reason, say you are going the park and he can only go when he learns to be good there. As long as whoever is watching him can deal with the inevitable meltdown.

Equally the more praise or rewards you can give him for good behaviour, the more he will want to make the right choices. Children react far better to reward and praise than the slow long battle of punishments.

Standard conversation in this house currently when DS is upset.

"I want to go away."
"Ok, well mummy will miss you."
"No, I want to stay!"

And repeat....

He needs you to take the lead and make it so xyz happens. You can be firm and calm as you say, we'll do that next time maybe but just now this choice is best. Little ones can't make decisions and need you to do it for them, even if they protest it makes them feel safe and stops them time themselves in knots

Equally the more praise or rewards you can give him for good behaviour, the more he will want to make the right choices. Children react far better to reward and praise than the slow long battle of punishments.

Spot on. Plenty of attention and praise for good behaviour (and plenty of attention and engagement for neutral behaviour), remove the attention from the bad behaviour (even "telling off" is a form of giving them attention, which is why it can easily spiral out of control into more and more bad behaviour and more and more tellings-off).

I disagree it's about them wanting to be in control, I think they desperately crave knowing you are in control. None of it is conscious testing anyway, it's normal development, so just mummy knows best, let's all be calm and it will all be ok, is a good strategy.

Ah the tiny dictator stage!

Give a choice of this or that- two things you actually want to happen.
The other technique is to repeat what they are asking for back to them? Not tried that one

It will pass

Sounds like a mix between pushing boundaries mixed with constant attempts to stall. ie. If I keep telling mummy a different demand we get to stay in the park longer.

Instead of saying ok or no, try just repeating what he says. So when he says “Want sleep in bed” you say in a deadpan voice “you want to sleep in bed”. Etc.

Just try it, it often calms them down for whatever reason.

If he gets out of bed after the story, tell him he isn't getting a story tomorrow because he is being naughty.

Please don’t follow this advice. Never threaten the loss of a bedtime story. Anyway at 2 years old he won’t equate tomorrow night’s punishment with tonight’s behaviour

Dd1 has had some cracking tantrums because she simultaneously both wanted and did not want something, causing a total meltdown as she couldn't process any of it. The last one we had was over blueberries. She was crying and screaming and making demands (cut them, don't cut them, won't eat them, don't take them away) because she wanted the blueberries but didn't want to try the blueberries. She eventually managed to get up the courage to eat one and she now loves blueberries. It really does pass.

I think he's looking for calm clear consistent boundaries, despite what he says. So he just wants to see what the answer is if he says he wants to sleep on the floor. He doesn't really want you to say that's OK, he wants you to say no we sleep in our bed/cot. It's a difficult stage but it does pass eventually

No advice but reminds me of this thread in classics which might at least provide you with some light relief!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/1301196-If-my-3yo-had-access-to-AIBU

Normal. But if nap time is worst, have you thought about introducing quiet time where he can choose to either play quietly or nap or a bit of both? Mine at that age behaved better if it didn’t become a battle of wills. Introducing choices helped every thing go smoothly.

My ds aged 2 has just learnt to say the word "own." It has changed our lives!

@LovingLola

If he gets out of bed after the story, tell him he isn't getting a story tomorrow because he is being naughty.

Please don’t follow this advice. Never threaten the loss of a bedtime story. Anyway at 2 years old he won’t equate tomorrow night’s punishment with tonight’s behaviour

He will the equate it following night when he doesn't get a story, because you explain he was naughty the night before.

Every message at this age of do the right thing and be rewarded, do the wrong thing and lose something you like, will save you so many problems in the future.

I know that sometimes comes across a bit heartless, but there is all the love, play and time in the world given to my children, just with boundaries.

My partner told me he read something about this when toddlers want something, then dont and then cry because they do etc. Its literally that their brains aren't developed enough yet to actually make decisions so they really dont know what they want. My dd (2) does it with food alot and also with what film she wants to watch in the afternoons, she will give me about 4 different answers when I ask her, very frustrating but I assume (hope!) they do grow out of it

Thanks for the input everyone.

The idea of giving him two options both of which I want does not work. He says no to both and then if I choose one he wants the other and then if I change to that he wants the other and so on. It's insane.

The advice of reading a story at naptime might work. I usually just take him straight up and put him in his bed and leave. He's always just gone to sleep though. This behaviour is just the past couple of weeks.

I also like the idea of saying he's going to his room for a few hours and he can sleep or play. I do think he'd just play though and when he's bored start crying to come down. Then I have to deal with a tired angry toddler for 5 hours til bedtime.

You need to stand firm on the two options.
The one her picks is his final choice and any behaviour after that is treated as a tantrum and has the consequences appropriate.

Let him scream and rage.