Have I been too overprotective with my DC?

[Frogerty]

Please give me your opinions and experiences. Bit of background:

My DC (12 & 14) wanted to go to secondary school with their (very nice) friends from primary school but I wanted them to go to a different secondary with better results where they didn’t know many people. They have settled but see all their old friends with great social lives going skating, wearing cool clothes, hanging out and partying etc feel very ‘uncool’ in comparison.

We live in the countryside so they can’t just go out whenever they want without a lift (which I’m happy to provide). Neither have ever had any hobbies they’ve stuck to.

They are both bright and do well at school but I feel maybe I should’ve just let them go to the school they wanted and moved into the city so they could have the freedom and ‘teenage experience.’ On the other hand I always thought if I could get them through school and they did well all this would come at university...

I just feel like a crap pushy parent who’s kids are missing out.

I'm not convinced that choosing the school you thought best for your DDs makes you a crap, pushy parent!

Teenagers since the dawn of time have been complaining their friends have it better than they do, it's what they do. Yours have chosen not to stick at hobbies which may be one reason they don't have an obvious group of friends to hang out with outside school. When you offer lifts, do they take you up on your offer? Do they have school friends they enjoy spending time with but are geographically isolated from? Are they involved in extra activities at school? What have they actually said about what their primary friends are up to? Have they made an effort to keep in touch with them?

If you honestly believe you've ruined their lives by sending them to a school further away, maybe look in to moving them... although I'd wonder how much of a difference that would make, especially if they've not maintained the primary school friendships. Or look at ways their current school friendships can be supported e.g. sleepovers, explicit offers to drive a group to X place etc.

Can they go elsewhere for the sixth form? If they're happy where they are but the grass is greener socially, this is something they could consider when thinking about post 16 choices.

Gosh, if that is the definition of overprotective then myself and most of my friends are too. No, you are not overprotective, you are selecting the right place for your children - where your children hang out in their teenage years has huge implications and you want them to be with peers who value what you and they do - study and education. That is not a crime (although in popular opinion in the media it often seems to be).

I too selected my DC's schools based on them getting a strong education with like minded peers who valued education. Not all children need this but as a parent if that is your choice you should be supported in it, not vilified.

Personally, I would not want my teen DC going off with loads of other teens and partying and wearing cool clothes - my teens have friends and a social life but it is contained - there is time enough to go wild in college. But I know this is probably because I live in Ireland - I don't support teenagers sleeping together at a young age and would not allow my DC to have a boyfriend or girlfriend to sleep in my house (that is my personal line in the sand and I realise it will seem weird in the UK but is still a fairly mainstream opinion where I live).

Close members of my family live rurally and it has constrained the lives of my nieces and nephews, because however much you become their taxi service they are not independent.

Do they still see their old local friends?

Are you tied to your countryside home (by living on your farm for example) or could you move into a nearby town or village with a bus service and where their friends live?

Friends and a social life are so important to teens. And this can work both ways. My DNs went to a sixth form away from the closest school because rural deprivation in the secondary was a factor in terms of limited horizons, drug use and under age driving.

But young people thrive in all sorts of lifestyles and as parents we can never get anything right.....but generally do a very good job. So don’t beat yourself up.