Left my 5 month old to cry it out

[newmum234]

Last night my 5 month old DS was quite upset after being put down in his cot for bed, probably because he was overtired. I sat next to the cot repeatedly making "shhh" sounds with my hand on his chest and had white noise on in the background. I picked him up and cuddled him once but it didn't make any difference - as soon as he went back into his cot he started crying again. He eventually stopped crying after about 20 minutes and dropped off to sleep.

Now I'm concerned that I could have distressed him by not picking him up again to sooth him. The reason I didn't was that I knew he was very tired and it would delay him getting to sleep still further! I thought what I was doing was okay because I was sat next to him, I had my hand on his chest and he could see me at all times, but now I'm doubting myself... should I have picked him up again for cuddles?

Any thoughts?

Sounds like you did the right thing.

Honestly? It's not ideal. If they are stressed then the cortisol released is damaging, BUT, big but, you were there with him, it's a one off, you can't turn back time, so just move forwards and think about how you'd want to deal with that in future.
Personally we always held or lay with ours while they went to sleep as babies, they both sleep fine now (6 and 11).
I'm sure you're a good mum, don't beat yourself up, we all do things we might wish we hadn't but our kids are ok and one single less than ideal incident is not the end of the world.

If they are stressed then the cortisol released is damaging

Damaging in what way? Poor DS - it felt like I was doing the right thing at the time as I was desperate to get him to sleep, but looking back now I can see that it actually wasn’t

I had to do this with DD frequently. She has never, in her life, stayed asleep when put down. Sometimes she didn’t wake up much, but sometimes she’d fully wake and cry. Picking her up often made her cry more, so I’d leave her in the cot but sit next to it with a hand on her like you’ve described.
The only alternative was nights of continuous pick up, she falls asleep, put her down, she wakes up, on repeat (we tried this on many occasions and she ended up hysterically overtired after hours of failing to put her down asleep). Or her sleeping on me all night so I couldn’t sleep.
We co slept for a few months in the end but I don’t think what you’ve described is bad.

please don't beat yourself up op. This isn't exactly leaving him to cry it out for hours where you deprive them of touch (and yes, some hideous people on here would say advocate that).

He will be OK and sounds like he was having one of those days you need to look after yourself too.

Sometimes babies get over tired and need a bit of space to be able to drop off........you did the right thing. Holding him would have distressed him even more.

If you don't believe me next time he gets in this state (( and he will as he's only young )) persevere with holding. I guarantee you he'll be battling for hours because he'll be too stimulated and feeling ratty with it.

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

Sometimes babies get over tired and need a bit of space to be able to drop off........you did the right thing. Holding him would have distressed him even more.

If you don't believe me next time he gets in this state (( and he will as he's only young )) persevere with holding. I guarantee you he'll be battling for hours because he'll be too stimulated and feeling ratty with it.

I agree with this.

Crying it out while your there is fine. When they're overtired they can sometimes use crying as a release of energy/tension.

Babies do need to learn to fall asleep on their own, it's a vital life skill that a lot of people (on here anyway) deprive their young children of.

That’s not crying it out. You were right there. We’ve all had moments where our babies will cry and cry and cry even when we’re holding them and doing everything - no one is claiming that is damaging, they just work themselves into a frenzy sometimes! Cut yourself some slack.

That’s not traditional CIO and in no way comparable OP. My DDs have both been the same- will not sleep or settle on me they need space. When overtired they are thrashy and screamy but after a few mins conk out. Standing by shushing and supporting them is absolutely fine!

Maybe he's having a big mental leap and sometimes they just need to cry. Have you looked up purple crying. Mine has just gone through this and what I read made sense.

@edgeware

That’s not crying it out. You were right there. We’ve all had moments where our babies will cry and cry and cry even when we’re holding them and doing everything - no one is claiming that is damaging, they just work themselves into a frenzy sometimes! Cut yourself some slack.

This! Well said

What you describe is not 'crying it out'. The approach is more akin to 'pick up, put down' if you want to call it anything.

But really, I'm lots of babies have a bit of a shout before going to sleep. My 14 month old has phases of being very shouty before going to sleep. I go in if she gives a distressed cry (definitely different) and give her cuddle in her cot before laying her back down. I do not class this approach as 'crying it out'.

Do any babies actually just lie there quietly before drifting off? Mine has a dummy so she is sometimes happy to do this, but it really depends on how she's feeling.

Hold them till they sleep.

@Ihaveoflate

What you describe is not 'crying it out'. The approach is more akin to 'pick up, put down' if you want to call it anything.

But really, I'm lots of babies have a bit of a shout before going to sleep. My 14 month old has phases of being very shouty before going to sleep. I go in if she gives a distressed cry (definitely different) and give her cuddle in her cot before laying her back down. I do not class this approach as 'crying it out'.

Do any babies actually just lie there quietly before drifting off? Mine has a dummy so she is sometimes happy to do this, but it really depends on how she's feeling.

Sometimes my son will lie down and just sleep, but he's 2.5!

When he was smaller up until recently he would always make a fuss before falling asleep. I would always pick up if he was emotional crying which is so different. Shouting at me because he wanted to keep playing instead of going to bed is different!

I did this once. It was like a switch. DS settled better than ever at night from the very next day. Could be coincidence and I felt guilty at the time but I would go back and do the same thing again.

Anything about babies crying before sleep brings out extremists on both sides OP. Do what you think is best. I think often when babies are tired then picking them up stimulates them and just drags the whole misery out, whereas with a few minutes of bleating they drop off happily.

What is absolute bollocks is that a little bit of crying will somehow damage your baby's brain. A baby who is well cared for is a very adaptable and resilient creature. Leaving babies to cry a bit in a Romanian orphanage type scenario is damaging, leaving them to cry for a limited period in a loving home environment is a valid parenting choice.

People get really entrenched as they want to validate their own choices.But don't guilt trip, it's fine.

I think often when babies are tired then picking them up stimulates them and just drags the whole misery out, whereas with a few minutes of bleating they drop off happily.

This was exactly my thought process at the time, especially as DS has never really been the type of baby to fall asleep being held - but I later started to wonder if I’d done the right thing. I just hope I didn’t scar him mentally!

I agree with pps, I don’t think you really left your baby to ‘cry it out.’ You were next to him the whole time and he still cried when you cuddled him anyway. I think he was probably just having a fussy evening, maybe because he was overtired as you say.

Sometimes if a baby is overtired you just can’t do anything right. By staying next to him he would have felt comfortable and I’m sure he’ll be absolutely fine.

@zurala Prolonged exposure to cortisol is damaging to the developing brain. A one off event such as this is not going to harm OPs baby and it's insensitive and irresponsible of you to say otherwise.

OP - exposure to situations like this with the support of a responsive parent supports the normal development of the stress response system. You being there would have helped your baby's stress levels return to baseline levels. Baby was upset (stressed), you provided support and then baby's stress levels returned to normal. There isn't a problem here. It's a part of normal development.

In reference to the crying it out approach - I would never do it but the evidence showing it is damaging comes from animal studies. Human studies tend to look at longer term patterns of parenting e.g. how responsive the parent is across many different situations - not just one event of not picking baby up when he cries.

You haven't scarred him mentally OP.

Basically, parents who spend months or years rocking and patting and soothing their babies to sleep - all valid choices but hard work and tiring - want to think it was worth it and therefore that not doing those things would have resulted in a bad outcome, otherwise why did they bother with all that effort?

In this as in other areas of parenting, if you're a loving, responsive parent then your kid will be fine, the details don't matter that much because kids are adaptable.

There's a chapter in the Emily Oster book Cribsheet that goes through scientific studies looking at this and other baby questions like feeding etc. There's no evidence of babies being harmed by crying.

Even with real cry it out methods, people who oppose them often miss the point, which is that within a few days the child gets used to going to sleep that way and there is then no crying. Which is less crying overall than an approach that involves getting the baby to sleep then putting them down and risking them waking repeatedly.

Babies get into habits where they think 'I go to sleep like this', whether it's in a cot on their own or being rocked or whatever. Changing their habit can cause a bit of upset but it's not a life-changing trauma!

[quote misselphaba]@zurala Prolonged exposure to cortisol is damaging to the developing brain. A one off event such as this is not going to harm OPs baby and it's insensitive and irresponsible of you to say otherwise.

OP - exposure to situations like this with the support of a responsive parent supports the normal development of the stress response system. You being there would have helped your baby's stress levels return to baseline levels. Baby was upset (stressed), you provided support and then baby's stress levels returned to normal. There isn't a problem here. It's a part of normal development.

In reference to the crying it out approach - I would never do it but the evidence showing it is damaging comes from animal studies. Human studies tend to look at longer term patterns of parenting e.g. how responsive the parent is across many different situations - not just one event of not picking baby up when he cries.[/quote]
A very rational and helpful response