Partner not bonding with baby - what can I do?

[hmfair54]

Our first baby was born two weeks ago and was very much wanted by both myself and my partner. My partner was very excited for him to arrive during the pregnancy but I feel like reality has hit him a lot harder than me now that he's here.

I'm very worried that he's going to slip into a depression as he is very lethargic (despite the fact I'm doing all of the night feeds so he is getting more sleep than I am) and rarely laughs or smiles anymore. He has said that he loves our DS but doesn't feel like he has a bond with him.

DS has also started having tummy issues which means he'll scream inconsolably which my partner finds extremely frustrating to the point where I have to take our son off him because it is winding him up so badly. I've ended up doing most of the work because I don't want to stress him out but I'm starting to feel run down with it all.

I'm at my wits end, and it breaks my heart to think that they might never have a bond (I never had a good relationship with my own dad so it hits close to home). Any advice would be appreciated.

It is fairly common for fathers to develop bonds much later, we didn't carry them, change our eating habits, stop drinking, feel every kick or go through child birth.

Most of us are also big kids trapped in an adults body. Initially a baby just eats, sleeps and cries but at 6m+ they start to really interact and play, developing a bond. At 12 months we have a new friend with a similar level of maturity!

Reality bites pretty hard with a newborn. The first few weeks are hard work, for both parents.
Do you have anyone else who can give you a bit of practical support? Some cooking/cleaning while you rest/feed the baby?
Depending on how you are feeding your baby, if bottle then Dad can help.
My DH was always much happier taking the baby out, either for a walk in a sling or pushchair than amusing her indoors. He would change nappies etc, but DD was breast fed so couldn't really help much with that!

My dh was exactly the same op, he really really struggled with the earliest stage and a bit depressed I think. He was worried about not holding him right, frustrated (more with himself) when he couldn't settle him and things like that.

I know it's hard because I also fell into this trap, but try not to take on too much because you're worried about him. The more he does, the more comfortable he will get. Also, later my dh said me doing loads made him almost feel worse, as in guilty he wasn't coping as well and also he thought this meant I was doing just fine, which wasn't the case!

At 7 weeks, my husband got the first smile and from there things just kept getting better. He got the first laugh. As soon as he comes home he goes straight to ds and the boys face lights right up.

It's hard but it will get better. In the meantime, try to look after each other xxx

Does he have any friends, brothers etc who have had children who he could talk to?

You bond with babies by caring for them. Can he do something specific like bath, take the baby out for a walk in a sling, change a nappy, etc where it doesn’t really matter at some level whether the baby cries, he just needs to do XYZ thing to care for the baby?

Yh its a man thing.. they build their bonds slightly later than we do

Lots of women don’t feel an instant bond with their babies either. It’s fixable. But you have to actually pitch in and do the nappy changes and burping and endlessly bouncing the angry colicky newborn, you can’t just wait to feel some kind of bond grow like magic first, it doesn’t work like that.

He's not doomed to never have a bond. You have a 9 month head start on him as you carried him etc If bond at birth determined bond later then you'd be able to spot the women who had pnd.

It's bloody hard when they scream etc and I hope you get the right medical treatment ASAP.

You may also want to speak to your health visitor/doctor about colic or reflux, the most common reasons for tummy issues at this age.

Many mothers don’t have a bond with their newborn 2 weeks and it found takes fathers even longer. He just needs time to get used to it.

My DH always struggles for the first 6m. Male PND is a real thing!!! Give it time, my DH found that as soon as DS could give something back (a smile, a coo, a happy sigh) it gave him the joy I felt.

Fairly normal. Babies aren't much fun. The bond for mums is triggered mainly by the hormones coursing through their systems, but men don't have those. See if you can get him to read a few articles on how dads feel after the birth of a newborn- might help him to know it's not just him.

Agree it's not Whitman for him to be struggling, and to find a bond once baby is now fun.

But NOW is when habits are formed. If you do it all now, you'll find it harder to get him to share the drudge work later. So he still needs to change nappies and cuddle the baby and feed him if you're bottle feeding and dress him and wine him.

It's very early days to be worried. The first few weeks can absolutely knock you out and some people don't naturally function well without sleep so it's not surprising he's not his usual self. In terms of bonding, as others have said babies of that age have yet to develop much of a personality, so I would consider it pretty normal to feel like you love the baby but don't have a bond yet.

Give him time, but don't fall into a pattern of doing everything. He needs to do his share regardless, because it's his responsibility and it's hard for you too.

You could also speak to the health visitor/Google about ways to deal with that colicky yelling. He might be feeling like his job is to stop the crying, when really your job as a parent is to acknowledge you can’t always stop the crying and you need to find ways to comfort the baby anyway. Plenty of useful advice out there on that (my best tip is headphones with music, for yourself not the baby, while rocking/bouncing them, because it doesn’t stop you hearing the crying it does take some of the edge of it off)

(and by ‘you’ there I mean ‘you as a couple’, not you individually fixing it for him)

Are you doing it all OP? If so, don’t. He can give your son a bath, getting him changed and dressed etc- there’s things he can do that may help them bond.

My mum always says that for the first 6 months the mum is there for the baby but the dad is there for the mum.

It's old fashioned but there's some truth in it. He needs to at least make sure you have everything you need, he's doing the lions share of housework, cooking, laundry etc. You are 2 weeks postpartum and need to be supported.

Don't worry about bonding. It will happen when it happens.

My DP was a bit like this with our second DC. It didnt help that understandably the baby was more content with me. So he felt like he couldn't comfort her properly and tried to do the things I did and when it failed, he felt like a rubbish dad. (Our first was totally different, settled for both of us)

Baby is now 5 months old and already is a daddy's girl. He comes straight in from work shouting our DCs name and they both get excited. It will change, the bond will develop. We had 9 months. If someone told me I was going to receive a baby soon then plonked a baby on my lap I think It would take me a while too.

Having a new baby is definitely a shock to the system, and different for everyone. It took a little while for me to bond with my first DC, but I definitely agree with others that while your DH wants to withdraw actually he should lean in - the bond will come through more interaction now not “waiting till the baby becomes interesting”. Would it help to agree specific “jobs” he can do eg my DH always did (and still does) bathtime which was great for bonding but also gave me a break. Both you & your DS need your partner to do his share of parenting; if he’s struggling with his mental health there is support available - our HV provided info on support specifically for new dads.

Also forgot to add your DP needs to be pro active in making that bond. Even if it frustrating etc. Bathing them, changing them even giving them a kiss goodbye before work at 5 in the morning. Some parents think it will just hit them and they will fall straight in love with the baby. I didn't have that overwhelming feeling when I gave birth and thought I was strange, but it is common.

My ds was a very much wanted baby and my DP has 2 older children from a previous relationship, however he found the 1st 2/3 weeks with our ds really hard to the point where he wondered if we had made a mistake (loved ds just hadn’t expected it to be so hard I think!) now ds is nearly 4 months and my DP absolutely dotes on him and says he couldn’t imagine life without him now. It just takes a bit longer for the men I think OP, as pp’s have said they don’t get to carry the baby and feel movements etc in the same way that we do which helps to create the bond.

OP I mean this kindly, but don’t you think you might be overreacting a bit? You’re only two weeks in. This is all new to both of you and everyone reacts differently to the stress that having a new baby brings; though I’d say your DPs reaction is well within the normal range at this stage. I wouldn’t be heartbroken just yet that they don’t seem to have a bond; your baby barely registers yet that they’re not a part of you anymore, so they don’t have much need for the second parent. The best thing your DP can do is be there to support you and the bond develop in its own time as your baby grows.

Definitely make sure they have time daily to do their thing without you interfering.

It sounds simple but i do find as I have our baby most the day, there are certain ways or things I think baby likes better, but have to stop myself interfering with dh learning them himself or doing something a different way that also works.

Baby is now 5 months. Breastfed still so dh can’t help there. But since days old he had always got ds ready for bed and ready first thing each day. It gives me time to get myself ready before mammoth long bedtime feeds, and dh time to do those things daily.

Men don't have the pregnancy and birth hormone that makes most mothers bond with their baby, and they bond much later in many cases. I personally think men don't have the patience mothers do with newborns. They want to fix things fast and if it doesn't happen, they become frustrated with the baby. Massive generalisation I know, but it is often the case, and bonding happens in the end

Bonding takes time. New mums are flooded with hormones to help with bonding, new dads aren’t (although I’ve read they do have some minor hormonal changes). Newborns are, objectively, really boring and quite demanding - they are either asleep or they want something! He needs to have time with baby to bond. If he’s finding it very tough I suppose you could mostly keep it to times the baby is relatively calm, but really he does need to get a handle on the tough bits too - you need to bond together in your new role as parents, which can be helped by laughing together over the (literal) shitshow!