Please help - terrified I'm fucking up my baby

[Masssivefuckup]

Please be kind. I andam miserable and scared that my 7 week old baby is not developing a secure attachment me.

I am having trouble feeding - baby wasn't gaining weight so we added in top ups - now breastfeeding plus pumping and adding in formula because i can't pump enough.. Constantly worrying about her latch and my supply and how we are ever going to be able to drop the top ups. I feel so awful because it's the one thing I should be able to do (see below about me being rubbish at other aspects of parenting) and I can't do it properly. Feeding sessions are stressful for both of us because I am constantly de- latching her to improve the latch and I'm terrified that she associates me and food with stress.

My partner has CFS and other chronic health issues so he doesn't work and is home full time (which is great in some ways, of course) but he really can't do nights as they would genuinely make him really sick and unable to do other stuff (he is currently doing loads of house work plus baby care - see below) so I am getting 2-4 hours sleep a night for the past 7 weeks.. I don't mind doing the nights so much but it means that in the days I am pretty useless and my partner takes over a lot of the playing with baby etc.. I have never been particularly confident around children but I thought I'd be ok with my own but I'm really not.. Her dad is so good and gets smiles and laughs etc but when I try I just don't know what to do.. I'm no good at being silly and when I try I just feel useless because I always get it wrong.

I've been getting so stressed and crying (proper sobbing) almost every day, including in front of the baby which I know is awful. I have noticed how she looks at her dad all the time and not at me.. I've been reading about developing secure attachment and I'm clearly fucking this up massively but I don't know how to make it better.

I don't know why I'm writing this really.. Please don't suggest going to the doctor - I've been depressed before and this isn't depression, it's exhaustion and a terrifying knowledge that my parenting skills aren't up to scratch.

Thanks for reading.

Oh you poor thing, I know exactly how you feel!

I went through the same with my DS a few years back. He had to gain weight quickly as he was small but I just couldn’t produce enough breastmilk (anxiety didn’t help either). So for three months I’d breastfeed, then pump, followed by formula top up. I was getting about 3 hrs sleep most nights, on a good night!

My DH had to work so he didn’t do night shifts as much but he was brilliant during the day. He was able to connect with DS in a way I couldn’t. He’d do silly faces, and chat away, which I really struggled with, especially with lack of sleep!

DS was definitely a Daddy’s boy until he was about 2 and suddenly he was all about Mummy I found it so much easier to be fun with him at that age, I have no idea why I struggled so much with it when he was a baby. People are just different.

Take it easy on yourself. I ended up formula feeding after three months because I just wasn’t producing enough milk, and it was the best decision for us! I was wracked with guilt about it, but I have a healthy DS who’s very happy and very loved . Give yourself a break somehow and know that it does get better. As someone who’s been through the same, don’t worry about bub’s attachment to you, it’ll be fine.

There is more to bonding that breastfeeding. Please don't feel guilty about top up or bottle feeding. I bottle or combination fed my children so that my husband could help, so that I could have some sleep to be a better mother. A fed baby is more likely to be a happy baby. You are doing fine

Because of surgery on my breasts, I simply could not generate enough milk. I will be forever grateful to the GP, who when DS was 5 weeks, leaned forward, took my hand and said, "You've done an amazing job giving him breast milk for five weeks, but now you both need a break." She gave me permission to accept that breast feeding wasn't working for either one of us. I gave him what milk I could until I dried up completely, but we swapped to mostly formula and it changed my life. And his.

You need to give yourself a break. Your DH sounds great so the trick here is to find a way to get some sleep without messing his sleep up. In our case, DH used to take over from about 5:30/6am before he went to work. I'd then get at least a few hours of solid sleep at the end of the night as he'd wake me as he was walking out the door for work (and he did his best to adjust things so that he left as late as possible - sometimes as late as 8:30). Could you try that? So your DH gets his solid sleep but gets up early and takes over for a few hours at least a few times a week so that you can get some solid sleep? Or, as he's at home anyway, arm him with a bottle and after your last feed go to sleep and get a few hours in the day?

Sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique for a reason. If you can get a little more sleep, you are likely to feel a lot better. And be much more able to enjoy your baby.

Oh, and of course you're not a terrible mum. The very fact that you're worrying and trying to find solutions says you are putting your baby first!

I'm really in awe of you expressing, breast feeding and bottle feeding. To have kept that up for so long is amazing and it's not surprising it's taken its toll. I would ditch the expressing if I were you, this will give you more time to spend with your daughter having cuddles and enjoying her which will likely improve your mood and feeling of bonding. I think it's really hard in the early days when it feels like you're just a feeding machine and daddy is the one that takes over the 'fun' stuff. Hope you feel better soon

Op don’t make this harder than it needs to be. Just formula feed, it’s more beneficial for your baby for you both to be happy and relaxed. Also your husband can do days you nights, and mid afternoon and evenings together.

Honestly it doesn’t need to be like this. 💐

You need to sleep for more than 4 hours. Even just for one night. It will make all the difference. If you can’t sleep in the day, can your partner manage say 8pm - 2am one night so you can get a decent block? If it’s just for one night hopefully he can manage and the day after that you will hopefully feel better and can have a bit more of a clearer think about feeding etc

You will not have failed if you give up breast feeding.

It's ok to just bottle feed. Plenty of children are brought up with no breast milk, and you've managed 7 weeks which is great!

If you want to keep breastfeeding, get some advice, maybe contact La Leche League or another group.

If you feel you need permission to stop breastfeeding, talk to your HV, midwife or GP but you need sleep more than baby needs breastmilk - there are options 💐

You don't need to breastfeed you know. I formula fed from birth due to difficulties and I have a happy and healthy 2 year old who has an extremely strong bond with me. Breastfeeding is not worth making you miserable, although some may try to tell you to keep going with it.

Are there any other new mums around you that you can meet up with in person? This really helps with perspective and finding your feet as a mum. Maybe try reaching out to local mum/baby groups on FB? I know some are still meeting through video calls.

WRT feeding, IME it's never as simple as "Just stop BFing" or "Just keep trying" - it has to be about what you feel.

If you could snap your fingers and suddenly have the ability to drop the top ups, guilt free, or drop the breastfeeding, guilt free - which of those makes you feel more relieved?

If breastfeeding is very important to you then it is worth getting proper help to continue, and enable you to phase out the top ups if that is the stressful part. But at least remedy/troubleshoot the latch since that sounds stressful.

If it's something you're doing because you feel you should, then absolutely drop the guilt and stop!

(If the second option ignore the rest of my post).

Just to go with some other info about feeding/boosting supply. The three most important things are this:

Keep the baby close
Keep the milk flowing
Keep the baby fed.

What this means in practice:

Skin to skin, cuddles and smelling their head are all as important, hormonally, as actually feeding them. Try to see this as a separate priority from giving milk. It may also help you feel bonded/attached.

You do not necessarily have to have a perfect or a long feed in order to stimulate your nipples to produce more milk. 10 minutes on each side is absolutely fine. If you cannot manage this at least every 4 hours, then expressing once in 4 hours again for 10 mins each side is fine. If you can/want to feed for longer, or more often, this is also OK :) but see it as a bonus. The thing which matters is getting some milk moving out of the breast for 10-20 minutes or so once every 4 hours.

It's not important to keep track of how much baby is getting breastmilk, and how much she is getting formula. Baby needs milk of course to keep her blood sugars and energy levels up, but the most important thing is that she gets fed, not what it is or how much. Try not to track ounces or mls, just feed on demand. Offer the breast first if convenient, but don't worry about cutting her off after 10 mins if you want to get some formula in as well, or if it's uncomfortable.

All this is best in conjunction with some proper experienced BF support such as from an IBCLC, La Leche League leader, NCT / ABM breastfeeding counsellor etc.

Thank you so much for all the replies, I'm sorry not to have replied sooner (and not to have replied individually) but I have read all of them and it does help a lot. Thank you. We are trying to change up our routine so that DP can get up early and take DD for a few hours in the morning so in can get more sleep.

Re the feeding: I would never think badly of anyone who didn't breastfeed but I really want to and I think if i stopped now I'd feel even worse, but it just seems like something isn't clicking and I feel like such an idiot because I've had soo much input from breastfeeding advisors etc. DD he did have a tongue tie but it was corrected at 2.5 weeks and has been double checked since, so I don't think it's that. I have watched so many videos and I actually managed to get a face to face appointment with a feeding advisor the day before yesterday, and she showed me the asymmetric latch - of course it worked while I was with her but since we've been home not so much 😢. DD opens wide but just can't seem to get enough breast tissue in sucked into her mouth (once my nipple is erect the area she is trying to latch on to is kind of concave if that makes sense, so she'd have to have the suction of a Dyson to manage it.. I don't think I have particularly unusual anatomy so clearly I am getting something wrong!) . If she does manage it she slips off as soon as I move a millimeter..

Sorry, posted too soon. I am trying to stay calm because the most important thing is that she is fed and that she doesn't have a mummy who is a nut case but it is hard.

Thanks again to everyone who replied, I appreciate it.

OK, can you call the feeding advisor again for more support? One of the problems with NHS breastfeeding support can be that many BF issues need ongoing support, not a single appointment and yet this is sometimes all that is offered. If you can't stay in touch with the infant feeding advisor I would strongly recommend the other sources - La Leche League, NCT, ABM, IBCLCs. Only the last category are paid for.

I would NOT think of it as "you getting something wrong" - it doesn't work like that. It's not something that you need to be absolutely precise with, generally. Instead try to frame it as "Something is going wrong" because it does sound more difficult than it is supposed to be.

I am not an expert (just a mum/former peer supporter) but concave does sound unusual, not incredibly rare or anything but it perhaps is that which is making it trickier, and that kind of thing will get easier as her mouth gets bigger.

I would look at advice about inverted nipples even if this is not exactly the issue that you have. For example, perhaps nipple shields would make the latch easier to maintain. Some people can be a bit when nipple shields are mentioned especially when there are existing supply issues, so yes, be aware that they can reduce stimulation to the breast and exacerbate supply issues, on the other hand if it allows her to get a stable latch she can maintain, you might actually get more stimulation and milk transfer over the course of a feed with shields than you were with latch issues without them.

OP, has anyone mentioned the 'burger hold' to you? You hold your breast as you would hold a burger while feeding. It sounds silly but it really helped me!

Thank @BertieBotts. The feeding advisor was really nice and gave me her number if I wanted more support or to come in again next week but I have actually booked an IBCLC to come to my house this weekend as I think it would be good for someone to see us feeding in my own bed/chair because that's where it always goes wrong. I just hope it's not sure mistake in that we'll get slightly different advice and end up confused..

Re the concave thing, I don't think I have unusual breasts - see rubbish diagram attached

Thanks @ComicePear - do you hold it like that for the whole feed? I've tried it when latching but maybe my mistake was letting go once she is on

Change your username, OP, you are not a fuck up!

Youve had some excellent advice here, and if the feeding is important to you, then I suggest trying a few more things BUT perhaps give yourself a limit. Another ten days or something.

Have you tried the hamburger hold? You basically squeeze your breast. I'm BFing my third at 7 weeks and both him and his brother needed this hold, DS1 until about 15 weeks or he'd just slip off.

Also worth going back to basics. Get naked and cosy in bed, spend a few hours skin to skin, snuggle, feed, have a good book and snacks to hand and try to enjoy the time. If you have to relatch go with it.

Glad you've changed up your routine. I got to bed with the baby at 8.30 and let him cluster feed, and usually get a 2.5-4 hour chunk which helps massively.

Oops that will teach me to read properly! Yes, the whole feed.

Just to reassure you, my oldest nephew was bottle fed and is now a total mummy's boy. The youngest was breast fed and is much more of a daddy's boy. It doesn't make that much difference in the long term, I don't think.

Also FED is best. Doesn't matter if its boob or bottle or you pay the aliens to come down and lovingly spoon it in her mouth. As long as your lo is fed it's absolutely fine.

Yes, I used to keep holding it like that for the whole feed. Some people seem to be great at hands free feeding but I never got the hang of it!