How to get my 4 week old to sleep at night

[BruceAndMarley]

It feels weird being on the parenting side of MN. It felt like forever being on the conception page and then pregnancy side. After a rough PG and labour ended in EMCS, our daughter was born on 26th August, so she’s almost 4-weeks-old . She’s a very needed baby, and we are currently in hospital as she has GERD and i am suffering from PND. I have so many questions but my main one is, she will not tolerate being put down for more than 10 minutes in her next to me crib at bed time. In the day I wear a sling to get stuff done but at night she will only sleep on me (or a warm body) & not anywhere else. Obviously I love cuddles and they give me a connection with her during this PND but we are getting no sleep as she screams and then we have her in our bed but it’s really not safe due to me being epileptic and my DH being a very deep sleeper. We also only have a double bed so can’t spread out to make more room. Might be relevant to add I am Breastfeeding but learning to express so we can try a bottle with her at night. Do any of you have a night routine with your newborns (or did you), am I missing something ? I feel like a terrible mum.

You’re not a terrible mum! And congratulations This is very typical of newborns. Me and DH had to take it in shifts, 2 or 3 hours each. It was the only way. I know how utterly difficult it is but it does get better

Yeah, par for the course with a four week old I'm afraid. Google the fourth trimester, it's all totally normal.

It’s normal whether breast or bottle feeding and shifts is the only way we managed.

DD would only settle on DH at night after going down in her crib for the first 9 weeks. Honestly, if she will only sleep on you let - do whatever it takes to get through these early weeks, I always say. You can't 'make a rod for your own back' or form 'bad habits' when they are this tiny, do whatever lets you both sleep and feed best as long as it can be made safe.

We just lived with it with DD, then as it happened at 9 weeks I was going to my parents' place abroad and travelled without DH and just put her back down in the crib at night and she was actually pretty fine with it - she happened to be ready then, though it could have taken a bit longer. Give it a few weeks, maybe try settling her not on you every now and then until she's ready, but no rush.

Congratulations! Are you getting help with your pnd?

As pp said, this is normal I'm afraid. It will get easier in a couple of weeks.

@AntiHop

Congratulations! Are you getting help with your pnd?

As pp said, this is normal I'm afraid. It will get easier in a couple of weeks.

While I very much hope it does get better for you in a couple of weeks I don't think it's right to tell you that it definitely will as it could make you feel worse it doesn't happen.

All babies are different, ask for help if you aren't sure about what to do, we all have to learn as we go with first babies, luckily they are largely quite hardy as try not too worry too much

Congratulations.

Thanks everyone , it’s nice to read that it’s normal . You see these Instagram posts of babies dressed in perfectly fresh while baby grows , perfect milestone photos , ‘I slept through the night at 2 weeks’ photos and it just makes you feel like you’re doing parenting wrong .
@AntiHop I’m currently in hospital with my little girl and getting help here. My husband is also amazing and we have a very good friend who’s looking out for me too x

As pp have said, this is all normal in my experience. My first child was just the same and I co-slept with him (after kicking DH into the spare bedroom so he could give me respite naps during the day), but it took months and months before he would settle in his own cot. I have an 8 week old now and he was much the same initially but I have had success in getting him to sleep in the next to me crib by lying him on his side, putting my face really close to his and resting a hand on his thigh/side. Then when he's in a deep sleep roll him onto his back. I think this helped him feel as though I was very near without actually holding him. I hope this helps, hang in there!

Have you read about the Fourth Trimester? Congratulations on the birth of your daughter and what you are experiencing is very, very normal.

Should have added that I also breastfed him lying down kind of angled into the crib so that when he was feeling sleepy there was no need to shift him at all.

@user1464552773 That’s a great idea , I’ll have to try that when we get discharged . Thank you! Our crib for some reason is a bit higher than our bed , is yours ? Only by about two centimetres but it’s not level to our bed

I also fed lying down so could roll away when baby was asleep

Swaddling helped massively too, have you tried that?

Oh OP, it's so hard having a baby with reflux, especially if it's bad enough for baby to be in hospital I hope she is getting excellent care and the HCPs are being kind to you as well.

My first baby had reflux and it looks like newborn DC2 has it too. Not as severe as yours by the sounds of it but still giving us sleepless nights. Here is my advice:

• Don't lay baby flat, if your bedside crib has a tilt option, use it, ditto for pram carrycot, and if no tilt option, get a wedge (we have the Wedgehog, they do all different sizes for cribs, cots, changing mat etc)
• Do shifts with DH, mine is a deep sleeper but he still didn't get out of doing night shifts! He could do the first part of the night (ie before he goes to sleep) while you get an early night. And/or you could just wake him up when it's his turn, the first few times will be hard but he'll get used to it, mine had to.
• Buy/borrow the book "Colic Solved" by Bryan Vartabedian, it's helpful
• if you're on Facebook, there are reflux groups which can be a good source of advice and support, eg www.facebook.com/groups/refluxinbabies/
• Do talk to your GP and/or HV about how you're feeling, don't suffer alone and don't hesitate to try antidepressants if you're feeling very low.

Personally I didn't find it helpful when people told me it was normal because while it was well meaning, it made me feel like a failure for struggling so much. Actually a baby with reflux is harder than normal

Agree with PPs. And I found myself much happier when I was able to accept that this was simply the reality of a tiny baby, and the thing I had control over was what I could do to help myself cope with that. Rather than trying to control the baby’s actual sleep via endless strategies all of which made me feel like a failure.

If she has GERD severe enough to be in hospital then that’s your answer- reflux and sleeping well do not go together. Anything you can do to make her a bit more upright, eg a towel under the head of the mattress, might help.

But yeah, shift from “how can I make my baby sleep” to “what can I change to make this lack of sleep more manageable”. Hang in there.

PS Also consider giving baby probiotics (BioGaia are the best), if your baby is under the care of a paediatrician or paediatric gastroenterologist, discuss it with them first.

@BruceAndMarley stick a book under the legs of your bed - it will even it up!

PPS An easy way to express is to use a Haakaa pump (or similar) on one breast while feeding from the other. Genius multitasking so you can prioritise napping over expressing in between feeds!

I definitely agree with the idea of taking shifts with your partner, perhaps he could give a bottle about 9pm and then you could try to get a few hours sleep continuously?

Our crib is actually adjustable up and down, I think they generally are so have a look at the instructions perhaps. You should be able to tilt one end up which might be useful for reflux (not something we have to contend with). I made sure our crib was exactly level with our bed's mattress and then have put another crib mattress on top of the existing one to level it out. Hope that makes sense.

Swaddling definitely worked for us but the health visitor was against it (not safe sleep compliant apparently).

Both mine screamed at night for the first 10 weeks of their lives. It felt like it would never end, but quite suddenly they both calmed down at 9-10 weeks.
Don't try and 'fix' it. If the health visitors/ docs are saying there is nothing wrong then it is not a problem- just a natural part of development. Some babies do it and some don't.
My best advice is try and get support during the day so that you can get some rest. And try not to kill anyone who tells to to 'relax' and enjoy it! Tiny babies can be hard-b**y work!

Congratulations on your baby! Agree with pp that this can be normal, but with reflux on top it’s got to be worse! Our DD was a terrible sleeper and to be upfront about things has only just starting sleeping through the night at nearly 13 months. BUT it gets easier, rest when you can during the day (which I’ll be honest I was terrible at and looking back should definitely have done!) , and I think as has been said, accepting that sometimes just time will help (obviously once reflux is getting under control) It’s so hard when you hear people talking about their baby sleeping all night, and for us it was unimaginable that DD would but it gradually got better, and you adapt and you cope. Practically I found going to bed at 6/7pm while DH was on duty gave me a bit of sleep in the tank ready for the night, not sure if this might help? I’d then just be woken if she needed feeding and would try and then go back to sleep until the next feed. Hang in there xx

Sounds normal I'm afraid. I remember Dc1 was 100 % nocturnal at 5 weeks old and I thought I was going to die of sleep deprivation. She got a lot better shortly after that.

GERD will be making it harder as it’s uncomfortable for baby to lie flat on their back. Try tilting the crib slightly.

We found Love To Dream arms up swaddles helped settle our baby a little bit.

It’s hard work though!

Not going to be a popular suggestion with everyone but I found a dummy helped my twins with reflux and self soothing. They are nearly 4 now and no ill effects. Quite frankly I highly recommend. They saved me from going over the edge. Good luck, this will pass and get easier.

I've been considering a dummy actually, they are not recommended for breastfed newborns but frankly if it helps I'm willing to try it! I think they say it's ok after the first 6 weeks of breastfeeding (same with introducing the occasional bottle) as by 6 weeks you should have established breastfeeding well enough for baby to continue even if you introduce a bottle or dummy.

Yeah, problem being that by six weeks a lot of them refuse to take a dummy or bottle. Mine never had either- she point blank refused. I probably could have forced the bottle issue if I'd wanted to wean her off the breast but I didn't.