Feel like a shit parent

[Kungfupanda67]

I struggle so much to parent my eldest child. He’s 8, and is such a difficult child - he struggles to control his emotions, and is very moaning. Everything is not fair, I’m the worst mum in the world, he hates everything. He’s easily annoyed, so his younger siblings grate on him but the way he speaks to them is so horrible. I feel like all we do is tell him off, but my husband and I discuss it all the time and it’s difficult to see what else we can do - we try and not moan at him but if you ask him to do something it gets ignored, forgotten or he mopes off like a teenager. He has to be asked to do everything multiple times, which again leads to us moaning more.

He’s an awful loser, gets stroppy and moans when he’s not immediately great at something. He played a new game on his friend’s Xbox yesterday and couldn’t do it and got all stroppy and was really rude to his friend. He plays football and he used to be one of the better players but he doesn’t put much effort in so he’s slowly losing his ability, which is making him put even less effort in. He seems to be terrified of getting anything wrong, and would rather just not try in the first place.

I’m sick of feeling like a crap parent - I guess I’m asking how I can help him change his attitude and become more positive? And how do I stop moaning at him all time ☹️

It doesn't sound like you are a crap parent, it sounds like you are doing a great job in a difficult situation. I feel consistency is key here. If you are consistent in encouraging him to try, leading him to the water so to speak, always following through on consequences when he disobeys that should help. Children who are scared of failing thrive on consistency (well all children do). Usually their fear of failing is fear of the unknown- what will happen if I fail? Teach him that failing things is not the end of the world but rather an opportunity to learn- so hard to do!! But you sound like an excellent mum and all you can do is help your child to live the best way you know how but you cant actually live for them

Just re read my comment and it sounds really pompous I'm sure you know all of that. What I was really saying is don't give up, keeping trying to help him and you are doing great

It sounds as though you're all a bit stuck in a negative rut. Try focussing on positives and trying. So instead of moaning at what he hasn't done, or when he hasn't done something well enough, try and find things to be positive about. It can feel hard. Really hard. But it really helps.

You can turn it around- we were really stuck with DS1 until he was about 10. It all got easier then.

@mylittleavalon thanks for that, we do try it’s just so hard! It’s tough to not compare children either, my eldest has been hard since he was born whereas my other two are so easy going... at least it can only get easier!!

Thanks @picklemewalnuts it’s good to know it can get better! We’ve been waiting for it to get easier and watching friends with their easy going children wondering if we’re ever going to be able to sit back while he plays without worrying he’s going to kick off at something!

I think you find teens easier when you've struggled with your dc before. Some friends found teens so hard, as their compliant little angel suddenly got stroppy. They hadn't built the skills or resilience to manage. They had no strategies. DS1 was a doddle once we got to that point.

I would say, try and build a strong loving bond despite everything. Find ways of making sure he knows you've got his back.

I could never tell mine what to do and expect he'd do it. I had to explain the options, why some were better than others, and then let him work it out. If it went wrong, I backed him up and helped him put it right. It was excellent prep for him growing up! If I was bossy with him he just resisted and went into meltdowns. He has a touch of PDA/ASD tendencies.

I honestly thought teen DS would be climbing out of the window and twoccing, he was so so difficult to handle at 6.

It will get better, lots of kids go through phases like this

What’s important is how you and your partner behave, if you/DP act negatively? Do you complain about things at work not being fair? If you have an argument, does either of you stomp off? That sort of thing

Kids once they get older often copy their parents behaviour

If you are both reasonable with a sense of humour about things, he’ll probably learn to go the same

A good friend of mine has an angry boy, she does not understand... but his dad is a very angry man who slams doors and sulks, so obv. The boy thinks this is normal and does the same

I have a 12yo like that. Moans for England, gets upset if he can't do something, fiercely competitive.

I used to get cross when he moaned, it was so draining. Now I try to make him laugh, take a break. He's getting better, slowly.

To stop the constant battle you need to take what he values away from him the first time he doesn't listen. What they value varies from child to child, but for example if it is his xbox, the first time he doesn't listen he loses it.

It has to be the first time he does something every time or you will always have a battle, as he will try his luck in the hope you will let it go if he creates enough of a fuss.

He is behaving the way he is with his friend, not because he is a bad child, but because he has learnt that is how you get your own way at home and is applying it to everything else.

Once you have established the new rules, don't forget to reward him for his good behaviour. A new game or just his favourite dinner whilst telling him he is the best. This will serve as motivation for him and it will help you feel like you're not always moaning.

Read Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph. It changed my life so much for the better. Good luck OP. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Raising-Boys-21st-Century-Completely/dp/0008283672/ref=mpssa111?adgrpid=57283793910&dchild=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIju7ltu756wIVBeN3Ch0ifA--EAAYASAAEgK0zDDBwE&hvadid=259101646951&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=1006502&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=4779805917198254795&hvtargid=kwd-317483096861&hydadcr=216431763701&keywords=%27raising+boys%27&qid=1600678059&s=books&sr=1-1&tag=hydrukspg-21

Hi, You have reached out on here, you are talking about your situation and asking for guidance and support, that makes you an amazing parent. As a mum of 3 older ones, where we were in a home where I was abused, I sure did have some tough times with the kids, but learnt so much and now live to help others. May I just say we are all safe now and my 3 are all amazing.
My advice is,
Only reward good things, and I mean everything you see, but only the good things. If they are sat there watching TV quietly as an example, just say how you love them and isnt it nice to sit and watch TV. After they drink a drink, ANYTHING GOOD they do or say. I know our lives are busy, but sit with them, play catch or roll a ball to each other, anything that is positive connection. This is not an overnight changer but days will follow where your little person will shine and grow in confidence x Slousa ([email protected])

@Tacca but he doesn’t get his own way with that behaviour, and never has. He’s an awful loser despite us not letting him win all the time. Sometimes it’s not a product of parenting.

Anyway, since I wrote this I’ve spoke to my GP and they have referred us to a child development centre. After years of trying to manage it myself it’s time for a bit of outside help. Thank you to everyone who commented, it helped while I was on the verge of running away 🙈🙈

Tell him to go and pack a bag then. Give him a bag and some underwear. He'll soon sober up and then you can tell him 'or suck it up'. You are the parent.

@LunaLula83 what? You want me to tell my 8 year old, who definitely has anxiety, And quite possibly has adhd and/or some level of autism, to pack his bags?

@Kungfupanda67 the constant moaning from my DTS2 is really setting my teeth on edge, I can completely sympathise and he's only 4!! He was actually the more placid of the two till a few months ago (DTS1 has ALWAYS been a whinger ) but not being in a school class he likes has turned him into a whiny. moany, aggressive horror. How is your DS at school, does he enjoy it? Is there anything they could do to help?

I'm glad your GP is helping and I hope you hear from the child development centre soon. You might find it useful to look for some local charities for autistic children, as they often have info/ experience which could help you; I was doing the same for DTS1 pre-lockdown but then of course all the meetings etc stopped... I guess at least we are lucky nowadays that there's plenty of info online or via a phone call.

Are there any non-competitive groups he could go to where he wouldn't be frustrated if he wasn't the best? Sporting or non-sporting? My DS does at least enjoy building things (meccano, Lego etc) and will happily do that for a while.

Apologies if you've thought of all this before, just wanted to let you know you're not alone