Am I over reacting?

[Howcanwehelp]

My son started secondary school this month. He's got his first taste of freedom and his first girl friend/ friend that's a girl.
Today he wanted to go to his grandparents who live close by, normal for a Saturday. When picking him up we found out he had invited some girls round and was playing with them in the back yard. My fil is lovely but not sociable and has been very unwell in the past so we're looking out for him. I'm fuming with my son, for inviting people to his grandparents house when he's meant to be seeing them and for increasing my fil exposure to covid.
I've taken his phone away and will be driving him to and picking him up from school for a week to make him think about his actions. Of course now I'm the worse mum ever. He knows how ill his grampy has been and that he has a hospital appointment this week. I know all 11 year old are selfish but this takes the biscuit.

The grandparents could have said no.

I assume these friends did not force their way in? If his grandparents didn't say no, your friends can't come and play then I cannot see what he's done wrong.

He didn't ask, just invited them round assuming his soft and lovely nan wouldn't mind. Tbf she didn't but apparently my fil shouted at him when he discovered the girls in his back garden. He is very cross as he likes his peace and doesn't like strangers.

He’s 11 I doubt he really thought it through. They were outside and his grandparents could have said no. I think you are being over harsh. Just tell him it’s not ok and not to do it again. If you are happy for him to be mixing with loads of kids at school and then sending him off to visit his ill grandfather you can’t be that worried.

Sorry, I think your being too harsh as well. He’s 11 and didn’t think. My DD is nearly 11 and it’s the kind of thing she would do without thinking. Personally, I would just sit and have a proper chat as to why it’s unacceptable and leave it at that.

I'm happy to hear I'm being harsh. My parents were very strict with me, as we're my husbands so we're not sure what's normal. Also parenting is hard! I'll calm down tonight and have a rethink tomorrow but having 24 hours away from his phone won't be bad. These girls call and message him none stop!

Yes, I think you are too harsh. It wasn't a good thing to do, but he's very young. Lots of adults are getting this situation wrong - including you - and a gently given disapproval would probably have been more effective. I am pretty strict with my (same age) DS about kindness and thoughtfulness issues, but I wouldn't have punished him for that. I would instead have steered him away from doing that in future. He is making pals - it's so enormously important for his mental health, you really shouldn't mess with that too much.

Not enough information. If he asked his grandparents if he could invite friends round and they said yes, or if he has invited friends round before and they've been fine with it, he's done nothing wrong. If he just invited them without asking then, then you need to explain to him how discourteous that is. But it sounds like he feels as comfortable at his GPS house as at home, which is lovely.

Unless there is more you haven't told us, eg that they were swearing, rude to the grandparents and ate all the food in the house, I think your reaction is OTT.

When I say I'm happy to here I'm being harsh I mean I'm glad mines not the only one. I have twins but the other is adjusting differently, apparently he was involved with the girls as well to meet them but twin 1 tipped twin 2 out of his wheelchair as a "joke" so a big case of showing off!

It's the first time this has happened, I am glad he feels comfortable at his grandparents but I don't like the sneaking around of inviting them without asking first.

I think with starting secondary school the thing is they meet other kids who have polar opposite boundaries and rules and some are more streetwise and savvy and some have a lot more freedom. It’s tricky for them to figure out where they fit in to all this and of course they will just want to fit in with their new friends. Just remind them what is and isn’t ok. Grandparents = no friends round full stop. Own home = friends round fine but check with me first

Personally I would have a much bigger issue with one twin tipping the other out of a wheelchair to impress other kids! I would be horrified if one of my kids did that.

@ShinyGreenElephant trust me, I haven't started with that one yet! They are quite rough and tough boys, they've always scrapped but I agree.

I don't think you're being too harsh at all. Even under normal circumstances, it's completely out of order to invite people to someone's house without asking first.
In these current times, which he is completely old enough to understand, he absolutely shouldn't have done that.

@Howcanwehelp oh mine fight too, more my dd and dsd, but they know they have to have each others back in front of any other kids! Boys haven't really come on the scene yet though so maybe it will all go wrong once they're wanting to impress them!