Feeling like all I do is survive

[Dillybear]

I have a 7mo DD. She is my world. She is a gorgeous, happy, curious baby. She is developing really well. She brings me joy every day.

But. Her sleep is really tough. Just as it seems to get better, it gets worse again. In the last month we’ve had a period of teething (oh, the screaming) followed by illness, followed by waking in the night for two hours, and now she’s waking early (I say early because she’s upset) from naps, and therefore waking and crying after she’s gone to sleep in the evening. Today she woke up from her nap at 2.30 and even though she was tired and wanted to go back to sleep, she hasn’t gone back down for another nap (though she’s been in the car and breastfeeds etc). She’s still perfectly happy at the moment, but she won’t be by bedtime. I am torturing myself with the question of should I try a late nap and a later bedtime, or should I go for an early bedtime? I feel paralysed and I don’t know what to do. Every bad night seems to knock my confidence, because it feels like it’s my fault. I keep feeling as though if I just get it right things will improve, though I can see objectively that it doesn’t seem to make a difference what I do.

I feel like I am just about holding on. Every day I try so hard to make sure she gets the sleep she needs, in the hope that the nights will be better. Most days I feel like I fail. It feels as though I’m just clinging on until one day, maybe, I’ll realise I’m less exhausted? Or I’ll be able to go and do something for myself? I’ll feel like more of a whole person? At the moment I am someone who is singularly obsessed with my baby’s sleep and I feel suffocated with anxiety all evening about how bad the night is going to be.

I see other mums enjoying their maternity leave and being so much more relaxed with their babies. Their babies all sleep through the night, of course. They tell me how sorry they feel for me that the nights are still so tough and can’t believe that my baby still wakes for feeds. It just makes me feel worse and even more like I’m failing.

This isn’t really a post about how my baby sleeps. It’s about how I feel about her sleep and how I’m coping with sleep deprivation. I just want to enjoy taking care of her more than I am. I love looking after her, but sleep and naps just feel like they dominate my whole existence and it’s been this way most of her life.

Can anyone relate to this? Or do you have any advice? I’m not looking for sleep advice, more advice about how to cope with the way I’m feeling and her bad sleep. I don’t really have close friends with babies, and pretty much all the other mums I know have babies who sleep through the night. So I don’t have anyone I can talk to about how I’m feeling who would understand. Thanks in advance if you’ve read all the way to the end.

If it helps, my baby has never slept through the night at nearly nine months old. Until recently, she woke to feed every two hours at night. I was feeling exhausted and headachy every morning before the day even began. It does affect your mood in the day. Did some gentle sleep training and she now only wakes 1-2 times for a feed at night, which I can cope with and feels amazing in comparison. You’re not failing, some babies wake more than others, and the teething and illness can’t have helped x

All I can say is that I survived 2 babies who didn't sleep a whole night til they were well over 1 and wouldn't have guaranteed a good nights sleep til they were 2/2.5. They're now excellent 11 hours a night sleepers and bring a whole host of other problems sleep deprivation is the worst. On top of the first time parent doubt you have the absolutely fucking knackered anxiety.

I'm telling you now that you are doing an excellent job and that you need to give yourself a break. Get rest and top up naps when you can and hand baby over to anyone that will help if you need a break. Baby's sleep will settle eventually and you will feel human again. Until then go easy on yourself

I think it comes down making your expectations (in terms of sleep) realistic.

When (if) you have a second child you won't go into it expecting baby to sleep brilliantly for the first year. So as a result you'll take everything less personally, won't blame yourself and be much more relaxed about it. Perversely, you'll probably have a better sleeper as a direct result if this.

DD is two and still never slept through... some nights are better than other other but after a run of bad nights I don't even feel human anymore! I just survive and can't really enjoy anything, then feel like a monster. It will get better (eventually). I do think it's a breastfed thing and for me personally I feel like I'm sacrificing so I can BF and give her a better start.. I'm aware that might not be a popular opinion but that's just how I feel!

I have a 6yo who was a mediocre sleeper and finally slept through at around a year, though only woke once or twice from ~6 months.

I have a 3yo who woke every 45-60 minutes every single night every single day until she was almost a year. She now sleeps like the dead.

I now have 9mo twins who are up every 1.5-2hrs and then comfort feed from 4am-6am no matter how much I have tried to train them not to. I am getting to a point now where I need them to sleep better and I will be offloading them unceremoniously to DH for 4hrs between feeds at night very soon indeed, whether they will take a bottle or not!

Some babies just do not sleep through until they're older and it is absolutely soul-crushngly exhausting - and other parents implying you just need to sleep train them or whatever can go stuff it! I went through two sleep therapists for my second child after I ended up in hospital, having collapsed at home from the exhaustion (thankfully DD1 was 3 and knew how to phone daddy for help). Both failed to improve her sleep, and I was eventually told that some babies just do take much longer than others. I'm really sorry you're going through it with your daughter.

The only thing I would say is I wish, in my depths of despair with DD2, my husband had got her used to a bottle of expressed milk here and there and sent me to sleep elsewhere once a week or so. I look back and feel betrayed by him and by my mum that they didn't even try to convince me to do this. I didn't have the capacity to see what a shell I'd become at the time. So, if you have a DP or mum or someone who can help you with that, I would explore it if you can. Ignore this advice if you like, I just wish someone had said that to me back then.

You are not alone. My dayghter is 7 months and she is still waking several times a night. She is my 3rd and only my 2nd child slept through from an early age and I've not done anything differently with any of them.

My daughter sometimes wakes once but most recent nights has woken loads mainly due to having a cold. Even the people that say their baby sleeps through at this age will still have the rough nights here and there especially when they are ill or going through certain developments. Sleep regressions are common so it does get better and then worse again. It will eventually be more consistent though.

I have a 3 year old. She's already been up twice so far, though sleeps through sometimes now.

And a 16m who usually wakes every 3hrs, sometimes for 2-3 hours at a time. I've been up since 3am.

Most people's 7mo do not sleep through. It's so hard, but there's nothing wrong with you or your baby, what's wrong is the impression society gives that there's only interupted sleep for the first few months.

You will get there eventually, but yes, it's v hard.

Thank you everyone for your responses. Some people tell me that the people I know are probably exaggerating about how well their babies sleep, but it really does seem as though everyone’s babies sleep through. Every other baby in my NCT group has gone through phases of sleeping through, whereas my DD hasn’t even gotten close!

It’s not about that, though. I just wish I could be a bit more chilled out about her sleep and just go with the flow more. I hate the anxiety it’s causing and how that is dominating my days with her. I feel like I’m just waiting for life to start, in limbo until we get into a better rhythm again. And as soon as we do, of course something like teething or illness pops up instead.

I do think that part of how I’m feeling is coronavirus-related. I have a general feeling of life being paused at the moment. But it’s more than that - I see other new mums talking about going on nights out, or taking their babies away for a weekend. My parents talk about how they took me on holiday. I can’t imagine how I’d cope with something like that because of the impact it would have on DD’s sleep. And then I feel even more like a failure and as though I’m denying her experiences that she should have. I’d love to know how to just relax a little more about it all, but it just feels like such a vicious cycle. At the moment sleep is all over the place because she’s dropped/dropping a nap. But the unpredictability of it is really making me anxious. DD is waking crying in the first part of the night, within the first hour. I give her a cuddle in the cot to soothe her and then drifts back off. Some nights it’s just once, other nights it happens a few times. I am sure it’s because she’s overtired but i can’t get three naps in, and in the last few days her naps have been short, and even though she’s tired I cannot get her back down. Anyway, because of this I’m so on edge for the first hour of the night just waiting for the monitor to go off. My DH says that I should enjoy the bit of time before she starts, rather than just being miserable until then. He’s right, but I just don’t seem to be able to. I’m horrible to be around when it feels like it’s all going wrong, or when I’m worried that it might go wrong. Like a big black cloud sucking the joy out of the room. I’m absolutely loving being a mum. And I can cope with being tired. It’s the constant anxiety about her sleep that’s really grinding me down. But I don’t see how it’ll ease until her sleep improves. I know that will probably just take time.

Sorry for all the whingeing. It really helps to read that I’m not alone. I know it rationally, of course, but but I’m finding it hard when it really feels that way.

I went through this with both my babies and felt exactly like you. Second time around I got so desperate I got in touch with a sleep consultant
nurturingsleep.co.uk/
I really recommend doing this if you can afford it, it’s not just about improving the sleep pattern, it’s also about getting the reassurance that you are NOT failing as a parent.

Are you on medication for your anxiety?

I do understand what you mean about the anxiety and it’s really crippling isn’t it?

What about giving your DH sole responsibility for a certain portion of the night? (Maybe even the day too sometimes?) Eg the first four hours after the baby goes to bed? Or from 2-6am so that you KNOW you have that uninterrupted time when he is not allowed to involve you in anyway? This IS possible for a 7m old who is breastfeeding.

I think with covid it’s hard to stop concentrating on the sleep issue because without toddler groups/swimming etc and other things to do with a 7m old, there’s fewer things to take your mind off her not sleeping in the day. All I can suggest is spending as much time as possible out and about with other people and expecting that the baby won’t sleep - then if she does, it’s a bonus. (Again, tricky due to Covid).

I know that’s not v helpful. It’s hard OP but it won’t be forever, it will
pass. You sound like you’re doing a great job.

@FATEdestiny I’m not, no. I haven’t spoken to anyone medical about it. It’s a new thing for me, and it’s so specific to the issue of sleep. Nothing else makes me stressed like her sleep, and I know I wouldn’t be feeling anxious at all if she was sleeping at least reasonably reliably. It’s the constant not knowing that I struggle with, it makes me feel so on edge.

@Whybirdwhy DH has been doing some settling in the evening and that’s been going well. He’s also putting her down for her naps when he’s around now, which is good because it feels like it’s not just me all the time. I still find it stressful because I hear her cry so it’s not like I can feel calm and relaxed at that time. DH shift work (NHS) so sometimes it’s really all on me for days at a time, which does make it more tough.

Thank you so much for saying I’m doing a good job, and for all of you sharing your stories and experiences. It is really making me feel less alone/less insane.

@Spanneroo I think that’s a good idea about having a night elsewhere for a change. It’s not possible at the moment but when it is she will be a little older and I think it’s something I will try.

For one thing, I have a very long motorway commute to work with lots of driving during my working day so when I go back to work I really need to be doing fewer night feeds than I currently am as I worry about getting into an accident. So I am thinking that I may have to night wean in a couple of months, when she’s more established on solids. I’m thinking of treating myself to a fancy hotel for a night or two and leaving DH with a bottle of water for her! COVID-permitting, of course.

I haven’t spoken to anyone medical about it. It’s a new thing for me, and it’s so specific to the issue of sleep

It might be worth considering medication. It's to help you feel less anxious about sleep - lots of mums deal with poor sleep over the long term but don't get anxious about it, just accept sleep is shit and they don't wish to sleep train, so be it.

There is no need to think you don't need to deal with your own anxiety on the basis that it's "just a sleep problem".

Careful with waiting until a better time (later date) to sleep train. In a couple of months your baby will be pulling to standing and sleep training becomes significantly more difficult at that point. It would be much easier (on everyone) to do now. Being more established on solids is unlikely to be a Magic Bullet in terms of sleep.

Your OP reads like you don't want to sleep train - and that's ok. IT IS OK! But don't torture yourself feeling anxious about it, when you could just be chilled and accepting of sleep as it is and change your mindset to maximise your own sleep.

Don't spend your maternity leave feeling like this. You'll never get this time back.

Mine was a rubbish sleeper until about 13 months. He sleeps 7-5 now at 23m, which is tolerable although I still feel exhausted most days.

I spent a lot of time worrying about naps when he was younger - he was a sleep refusing catnapper. I found that the naps sorted themselves out when the night sleep sorted itself out, so I'm not sure about whether the pressure we're put under to get the naps right is actually true. It's so hard because you'll chase anything to get the sleep you need.

7 months is very young to not wake for feeds! At 9 months, you could think about night weaning (i.e. not giving feeds overnight).

You don't have to enjoy your maternity leave, don't let anyone guilt you into 'making the most of it'. I hated mine, and going back to work was such a break (I got to relive this feeling a second time after nurseries reopened after lockdown). You can get through it, you're doing an excellent job. Babies are really hard, and you're clearly trying your best to take care of her.

@FATEdestiny I’m not sure what I’d achieve with sleep training? DD self settles, so I thought it was just a case of waiting it out? I’m not against sleep training at all, I’ve done gradual sleep training to get her to the point of self settling. When she wakes for a feed she goes back to sleep on her own in the cot. Sometimes she goes through phases where it takes 2 hours for her to fall back to sleep. I don’t know why that is though. Most of the time the wakings are quite quick. I figured if she was waking and crying out then she must need me/need something given that she can go to sleep by herself.

I felt incredibly anxious about DD's sleep, looking back she actually slept ok but I was crippled with fear about a nap going badly and then what that would mean for the rest of the day.

Whilst overall she slept well there were regular phases of bad sleep, including waking and playing for 2-3 hours. I put a lot of this down to developmental phases and usually if I stuck to my guns and rode it out things settled back after a few weeks

I've recently read Lucy Wolfe's book to help crack a phase of terrible night waking after DD became reliant on me being there to fall asleep so lost her ability to self settle - technically sleep training with barely a tear, it's resolved her night waking to.

Poor night sleep is often linked to daytime routine but there is only so much you can control, some naps will just be shit, she will be fine, you will manage, you are doing great.

As she gets older you will gain faith in yourself and learn to roll with the unexpected a bit more. Its always phases, it will eventually improve.

@Wale90 it is so true that sometimes it is just weird phases. I read so much into the pattern of the day, but it just varies. Sometimes she naps loads and sleeps well. Other times she hardly naps but sleeps well. Equally sometimes she’s up half the bloody night, no matter how much or little she naps. But while some days I think I can can see what went wrong for her, other days it seems completely random and there doesn’t seem to be much of a pattern to it. I think I convince myself that I have more control over it than I actually do. I think if I didn’t feel like it was my fault when she sleeps badly, I would be less anxious about it. It might also be kind of perfectionist tendencies kicking in.

I felt exactly the same. It’s interesting that you mention perfectionism, because I have that problem too. I feel like if everything doesn’t run like clockwork then it’s all terrible and it’s my fault.

I relate so much to that feeling of utter dread, waiting for the first wake up. I’d also spend the first 20 minutes after my kid went to sleep clutching the monitor, willing him to stay asleep and when he woke up I felt like I’d let him down.

I’m not sure if anything anyone can say will help. For me, when he started to sleep through occasionally he was about 8 months. When he started to reliably sleep through he was about 9 months and I slowly felt better over time as I caught up on sleep and realised he was becoming pretty predictable. I think the horrible feeling of knowing you’ll never feel well rested increases anxiety and makes you obsess over sleep because when that’s fixed you know you’ll feel better. If it helps, it’s a matter of time. Until then, grab sleep when you can, share the wake ups and drink as much coffee as you can handle during the day.

@FruitFeatures thank you so much for your message. It’s been really helpful to read it. I hadn’t thought about the perfectionist element to how I’m feeling until today, but I think that is a big part of it. I need to use that insight to try and change how I’m thinking and stop myself from spiralling. It’s good to know your DS started to improve, it gives me hope! I’m glad it got better for you.

I can totally relate OP. I put a lot of pressure on myself to ensure my DD gets enough sleep, and when it goes wrong I feel like a failure as a mum. I've also stopped trying to make friends with other mums because they all seem to have sleep sorted, and it makes me feel even more inferior. I realise both of these things make things worse for me (I need to stop being so hard on myself, and I need to build a support network) but it's hard to break bad habits when you are bloody exhausted.

I don't have any advice really, just respect for you and lots of solidarity!

Hi there, I absolutely relate to your post! My baby slept like a champ for the first two weeks- she was totally portable and I felt like we were definitely winning at parenthood. There was one memorable occasion when someone dropped a tray of crockery in Costa right behind her head and she just kept snoozing. Sadly at bang on two weeks colic hit hard (1000000% sleep related in her case) and her sleep has never been the same since.

I swore before I had children that I would just bring them wherever I went and as long as you got them used to noise/change from the get go they would be fine - I was absolutely NOT going to be one of those parents whose babies only slept in a darkened room with the parent anxiously clutching the monitor. I suspect you can guess how that worked out.

I would concur with PP who have said to be wary of perfectionism and of comparison. I find most of the time I feel like we're doing great and my little one is very happy and healthy- but as soon as something doesn't go to plan (like sleep) I feel like the worst parent in the world and every mum is doing a much better job ('other babies just fall asleep wherever when they're tired, other mums don't worry like this and just crack on with whatever- if their baby doesn't sleep they don't care it's no big deal' etc etc). There is nothing like parenthood for making you feel crazy/rubbish and bringing out the black and white thinker in everyone.

I think for me in an emotional sense what has helped is just being aware of this black and white pattern, like a seesaw, and realising that it's ok - the tricky period will pass and my mood will reset. It's probably fairly normal and for me just accepting it feels less stressful than thinking I can't live this way etc but don't know what to do. I guess it's a kind of mindfulness- note the anxiety but leave it there. So you're feeling worried/a bit crap? Ok. You'll feel less worried/crap soon - it's ok to feel bad and ok to feel better, neither are objectively true they are just states of mind and they will change. That probably doesn't make any sense but it helps me anyway!

The other thing I find helpful in a practical sense is definitely getting help from others, but not expecting to relax while my LO is struggling to sleep. My fabulous hv advised me to get house jobs done while someone else is sorting her out - that way you aren't just sitting there analysing every sound/cursing yourself for not making the most of your precious relaxation time. That way also if/when they do drop off you have accomplished something useful and can spend the whole precious nap time watching crap telly with a cuppa and a massive stack of extra nice biscuits!

Hope that hearing the experiences of others is helpful- I promise you are doing brilliantly and other mums will all be struggling with one thing or another, you might just not see it. Look after yourself.

DS2 is 2 in a few days and still wakes multiple times (and I’m still BFing him, which wasn’t planned at this age!). DS1 slept through at about 6 months and now at 4 very rarely wakes in the night. I parented them both exactly the same! So definitely don’t feel guilty or think it is something you are doing. I didn’t read any books really because babies aren’t robots and they aren’t all the same so I didnt really ‘get’ the one size fits all advice. We are tired a lot of the time but just try and get on with it, alternate nights and lie ins and DH doesn’t sleep in the same bed, DS2 shares with me. Please please stop feeling guilty - parenting is hard enough never mind in a time where you can’t do all the usual things like toddler groups and big meet ups. Sorry I don’t have any sleeping tips though (he slept through for the first time ever recently and we tried to recreate it - not happening )

Hi OP,

You sound like a really devoted mum.

There are a couple of issues here. Firstly, your DD sounds chronically overtired. It’s completely normal for babies to still be waking at your DD’s age, though your situation does sound a bit more complicated than just night waking.

Secondly, you sound to be possibly suffering with depression and/ or anxiety. (I’m a mental health nurse). You attribute your source of unhappiness and worry to her sleep, though it’s highly unlikely that this is the crux of what is going on for you.

Could you possibly make a GP appt and/ or your health visitor to discuss how you’re feeling?

@LikeTheOceansWeRise @Jennyz123 thanks for your messages. They are really helpful to read. It’s a good idea about getting stuff done when she’s upset. I do keep myself busy when I’ve put her down to nap or for bedtime as that’s a time when I can feel anxious, and folding washing etc helps me to tune it out a little. I’ll definitely try to do that more when DH is settling her. @tappitytaptap thanks also for your message, it definitely does seem to be luck of the draw with sleep. I’m glad your little one slept through recently though! Hopefully that’s a sign of things to come!

@Fast90 thanks for your perspective. What makes you think my DD is chronically overtired? That sounds worrying. Also I appreciate your view that her sleep isn’t the crux or possibly the cause of how I’m feeling - but what makes you think that? I really feel like it is - I don’t feel any anxiety around other things like weaning, her development etc even though some things she has done early and other things she doesn’t seem that interested in (for example I don’t think she is likely to crawl). I trust she’ll do things in her own time and is developing fast in the areas she’s most interested in. It all just feels like a fun process of getting to know her. I would have thought if it was more of a general problem that I’d be anxious about other things too? I’d be keen to know what you think given your profession.

Thanks again everyone