Not sure where to put this - please move if necessary.

[Threecouldbefour]

Does anyone else feel rootless?

I'm going to try to make a long story short. I was born in a town in the midlands, lived away for a few years in a nearby city and then came back and met my husband there (he is from another country.) I had an unhappy time at school but had a very happy home life, largely due to the amount of things I went out to do with my family. I had our first two children in my hometown and thoroughly enjoyed all the area had to offer and made lots of happy memories there. Had a few nice friends but not loads as my time at school was not great in that sense. When our children were 7 and 4, my husband said he feared that the company he worked for was looking uncertain and he accepted a job in London. It was a huge thing for me to leave my hometown as I was really happy being a Mum there and felt content, settled, just happy. But I said yes as I didn't feel there was a huge amount of choice and my Dad had also accepted a job in that area after being made redundant a few years earlier. My Mum was not going to make a decision about moving (or have my Dad come back at weekends with 3 hour journey) unless we did so I sort of felt someone had to take the plunge. And of course I wanted to support my husband. So we moved down to a town an hour away on the train from London. On the face of it, it seemed similar, nicer even to where I lived before, a market town with countryside surrounding it but I quickly discovered that there was hardly anything to do nearby for children. No farms, no craft centres, paint a pot, adventure playgrounds, national Trust estates, pretty villages etc It is honestly so boring. It's like the best thing it has going for it is the train station and an hours commute to Waterloo. Our children are at good schools - the secondary is outstanding and is a two minute walk away. They do have some nice friends. But I just feel empty at weekends as there is nothing nearby that is inspiring or just nice to go to. We used to pop out and be spontaneous and now I feel as though everything needs planning. People here think it's perfectly reasonable to drive 45-60 minutes for something to do but I'm just not like that. I drove 10 minutes and had about ten things within that time to go and enjoy. We had another baby down here and it has highlighted again just how little there is around here (both for younger children and teens.) I feel frustrated so much of the time. I just want to enjoy the lifestyle I used to. The thing is, I can't really move back there as it's been so long and there were also bits about it I didn't like - it's a small town and some people thought they owned it. I don't want to go running back with my tail between my legs. We have looked at other areas but there's always something wrong - commute, things to do, school quality etc My parents also want to stay near us (the feeling is mutual) but their budget is not huge. I just feel gutted for the life we left behind, the proximity to my parents (5 mins away) and the memories we made as a family. I know I don't belong here, I don't think we do as a family either but I don't know how to make it better. Our eldest is in Year 9 so I'm really conscious of upsetting her school life. I just really do feel rootless. I've lost the sense of who I am. It's making me so sad. Thanks for reading it if you've had the energy. I just needed to get it out. X

If you find some interests that do not rely too much on other people selling you a service/ your location (like national trust etc) I think you could feel better about where you live.

You could take up a sport like running, or cycling, do an online book club, take up painting, knitting, crochet. You could cook, go through recipe books with your family and do a different special meal every week. You could sort out the interiors of your house, garden. You could look into getting an allotment. Really there are lots of things to do which you can do pretty much regardless of location.

Thank you so much for your kind reply. I do appreciate your point. We do lots of walking as that is a big love of ours. But in terms of hobbies I don't have much time for that as I have three children from toddler to teenager. Their hobbies tend to take priority! The thing is, my happiness comes from being a Mum. It's what I've always wanted and I feel as though I've been such a good one up until we moved down here - it was so nice to pop out and do things with our children. Even if it was just an hour or so. But here everything seems such an effort all the time. There is no spontaneity anymore. Weekends aren't as interesting as there's so little to do. God, it's hard to explain unless you've lived in these two places but the contrast is huge. I don't belong here but I can't go back to my hometown as it's sort of been ruined for me. I can't explain it. Sorry, this is totally incoherent.

I just feel so trapped. I can't move because I can't find anywhere that seems worth uprooting our children for and I can't stay here as it's making me do unhappy and I know I'll have huge regrets looking back that we didn't (or couldn't) make more of these years with the children. I feel guilty that our youngest is not experiencing what the older two did in the first years.

I know you miss your home town but some of the hobbies I mentioned you could do with your children. The cooking, gardening and cycling for example.

It’s hard moving to a new area. We moved about 4 years ago and my family are all happy, but I have found it much harder to make friends, I miss having ‘old’ friends. I agree with pp that the activities you mention aren’t really interests, they are places you pay to go to and tbh most people only use them for a few years will children are tiny! I can’t imagine your yr 9 child misses paint a pot! Are you possibly missing the tiny child stage of life as well as the place? It is extra hard now with everything shut too, of course. I think some projects / sports would help keep you busy. Or a job!

Also children don’t remember the things we think they will, mine remember lots of funny little things and not the days out. Today they were remembering how they used to try to get in the car, shut the doors, and strap up at the same time & pretend they were in the RAF dropping bombs as we drove along. I had totally forgotten!

Thanks for the replies. I just feel I have given it my all here and no matter which way I twist it, I just feel as though I'm wasting time here that could be so much better somewhere more interesting. The place I lived before was nothing special in terms of the actual town but my god it had loads to do around it! Funnily enough my children would still enjoy paint a pot and trips out for ice creams and a potter somewhere. I do baking and things with them but I like to be out, away from the house for an hour or so, not stuck here. Even the shopping (Pre Covid) was rather dismal. All sad commuter towns with no soul. Of course I miss elements of the younger days but I have an 18 month old and we would like another so that's not over for me yet. I don't need a job from a financial point of view and I would miss being around for our children after school etc terribly. I do not sit around twiddling my thumbs, that's for sure. My husband has a demanding job and couldn't possibly do it if I was at work too. I just always felt as though I belonged and now I don't - after 6 years it's not going to change. Honestly, here - I have one place that I really like to pop out to. Where I lived before I had about eight places. It is just so boring here. We love the Peak District (used to live near enough for weekend days out) and Cornwall and I think if something presented itself somewhere like that, we would go as it would offer us a totally different lifestyle. But that's highly unlikely due to my husbands job. It just feels a mess. Even our house, despite costing a fortune, isn't big enough for our needs. I just question what we are doing paying a fortune to live somewhere that isn't fulfilling us a family.

@Sittin

Also children don’t remember the things we think they will, mine remember lots of funny little things and not the days out. Today they were remembering how they used to try to get in the car, shut the doors, and strap up at the same time & pretend they were in the RAF dropping bombs as we drove along. I had totally forgotten!

Our ten year old still remembers absolutely loads about where we used to live - trips out, my parents' old house, houses we lived in. She was nearly four when we left. We have been back to visit friends so I suspect it's kept those memories alive.

Presumably you’re near the train station if your husband commutes that way. Have you looked into places you could take the train to rather than driving, if you prefer not to drive long distances? (I feel the same about driving!)

Hi @Debradoyourecall

Yes, I have used the train quite a lot (I'm not keen on long distance driving, you are correct!) but it doesn't go anywhere terribly interesting. I'd say where but it would be very outing!

I think that's the problem. We are just not into the places around us either so weekends are just not fun anymore. My husband once suggested we 'go to Marks and Spencer for a jacket potato' as a weekend activity. It's also at the worlds most depressing retail park!

@Threecouldbefour ah what a shame. Yes a jacket potato at M&S wouldn’t do it for me either!

Maybe you could post on one of the Home/property topic boards on here to ask for tips on places within commuting distance of London that have more to do? Hope you find a solution x