Incompetent mother

[LongJohnGlitter]

My newborn won't be put down and as I'm on my own I am not getting any sleep. Last night he did finally go into his cot, with his cellular blankets over him. In case he was disturbed by me putting him down input a heavier blanket over him so that he wd think he was close to me, intending to leave it there for no more than. 30 seconds or so. I sat down for a sec and 4 hours later woke up, horrified that I cd have killed my little boy. He didn't seem to be sweating, red or anything but im more than aware of the dangers of sids, have room thermometers etc... First time mom and last night wanted to give him to someone who wouldn't make such a stupid mistake. I can't eat or drink anything this morning I'm so distraught. Hadn't been suffering with pnd or anything but today feel like I've triggered something off. Bubs feeding crying, being normal etc but I can't believe how stupid I am, I don't deserve him

Sorry he just had one cellular blanket

Hey op, you're not an incompetent mother, you can tell by how you are feeling. Your baby is fine and sounds like he slept well.

Do you have any support at all, it sounds like you are on your own? How old is baby now? 💐

Was it a weighted blanket? I totally empathise with the anxiety about SIDS, I felt the same and still remember it 12 yrs later. I’m sure he was ok with a normal blanket though. When you are SO tired it can be hard not to overthink x

Give yourself a break, he is fine and you are sleep deprived so not thinking straight.

The fact you know and follow the guidelines shows that you're are in fact not an incompetent mother, additionally an incompetent mother wouldn't be so upset about making a mistake.

If it makes you feel any better, all parents make these kids of mistakes, it's impossible to be perfect when you're exhausted. I once in a sleep deprived state moved weeks old DS onto his front (thinking I was moving him onto his back) I dread to think what could have happened if I hadn't have realised.

Thank u, he's only 5 weeks. Once a week my mum comes to do a feed, other than that I'm all the poor boy has. It was a regular blanket that I folded over to feel heavy on him, I nearly lost my life when I woke up and saw the clock and saw it was still on him. His sweet little face was calm and I thought he was gone, but he stirred as soon as I took the blanket off him. Can heat cause any other damage or is it the sids risk solely? I'm watching him like a hawk since I woke up

@sqirrelfriends thank you for telling me that, it's awful to wake up and realize something cd have happened.

I remember those days, it's so hard not to worry. Over time you end up wore small glitches like that. Don't beat yourself up sleep deprivation is so hard. I once set off in the car without doing up his seat belt. It happens.

It's ok, you're ok, he's ok. My boy suffered awful colic and wouldn't be put down either. I remember how sleep deprivation is like nothing else. The blanket thing is also ok. You can tuck in the blanket at the sides so it's much harder for him to pull
Over his face. Fear of sids is normal and you are far far far from incompetent in fact I'd go to say you're going above and beyond for him it's shows by how much you are worried. You're doing an amazing exhausting job.

Can you ask your mum to come twice a week and do more than one feed? Perhaps take baby out for a walk in the buggy for a couple of hours?

Or perhaps one of your friends ?

You can’t do this all alone.

No, my mum is great but she has said several times how tired it makes her, she lives a couple of hours away. My DS slept so soundly tho last night and this morning, yesterday I switched him to comfort milk, got slow flow teats and gripe water...I hope anyway that's why he's more settled and not because he got too hot! Thank u all for ur generous replies and helping feel a bit more normal

Have you considered using baby sleeping bags? I never liked the idea of loose blankets and always used Grobags (different weights for different seasons, with detachable sleeves for the winter ones). It gave me much more peace of mind because it's literally impossible for the baby to pull it over their face, and my son was very comfortable in them.

I totally understand where you're coming from but I think it's important to put things in perspective - the SIDS risk is absolutely tiny and you've done the main things which are recommended to reduce the risk (be in the same room, put baby to sleep on their back). I became a bit of a slave to the room thermometer when DS was first born until I realised that he had his own internal thermostat which wasn't the same as anyone else's (he runs quite hot so would be in the right number of layers and be drenched in sweat). You haven't done anything terrible at all and you sound like a great mum.

I can understand if you mum lives so far away.

Do you have any friends or colleagues locally ? You need to reach out for support. I know it’s hard in during Covid but in most parts of the country you can still have one visitor at home .

I second sleeping bags. They were magic for my twins. They were both wrigglers and would constantly kick covers off which would then make them cold. The sleeping bags were a lifesaver. My 5 yr old still sleeps with his now. He uses it as his comfort blanket!

Something that I don’t think is said in an upfront way is that many of the things which you are supposed to do to reduce SIDS work by ensuring the child doesn’t sleep as deeply. So as a parent you both desperately need sleep and also obviously want to reduce SIDS risk. You end up sort of working against yourself. I’m not suggesting you don’t follow the guidelines, just pointing out if this is flipping hard that might be why!

I also highly recommend looking up safer co-sleeping. I started co sleeping when I found my new born under the duvet at my feet I had no memory of getting him from his cot or how he got there. I was utterly terrified. I realised my lack of sleep was actually now far more dangerous than cosleeping in a planned and safe as possible way. It was a game changer.

Bless you op, it's so hard. Remember that this phase will pass and things will get easier. The sleep deprivation is awful, and it must be especially tough when you're doing all this without support

If you are worried and therefore not sleeping yourself try one of the alarms that monitor breathing. To be fair at 5 weeks my Mum came to see me and I was super extra tired, handed baby over and crashed star fish face down on the bed and woke 8 hrs later having leaked milk ALL over the mattress and bedding - that was a mess!!

Thanks everyone so much for being so kind. Bubs is up after a great night's sleep, alert, happy smiling and calm I think after the new formula and teats, and gripe water.

Absolutely, lots of the sids guidelines make sleeping seem very uncomfortable for baby. So relieved this morning

Op you're bloody exhausted. I know the feeling, I used to wake up in the night and panic that I still had the baby in bed with me and that he was dead, when he was actually in his cot and absolutely fine. Sleep deprivation is awful, you fell asleep because your body is crying out for rest.

Don't beat yourself up, next time just make sure all is safe for the baby incase you both end up drifting off for a long nap again :)

Thank u Kitty Kat, I am feeling better about last night. In general it looks as tho all the other mother's in my family knew what they were doing and how to comfort their lo ... I know that's not true but it's how it feels when u look around