Not bonding with second child

[superhans2]

Just wondering how long it took others to bond with their second child. DC1 is 2 years old and DC2 2 months old... it's been over 8 weeks and I still feel like I haven't bonded.

It sounds terrible but I feel like I never will... everything feels so processy and transactional with DC2. I know they don't do much at this age but I feel awful and want to be able to enjoy this time with them but instead I just feel guilty.

Sounds like you have the same age gap as me. DC1 was a few weeks off turning 2 when DC2 was born. He was at a stage of doing something new or funny or speaking a new word every day. And in contrast DC2 was, like you say transactional. I cared for her totally and was happy she was there but it definitely took longer to bond.

I think it was about 2 months, about where you are and there was a day when it just clicked. I don't remember what it was, nothing particular really, but it felt like the switch just turned on.

And now they are 4 and 2 and both hilarious and wonderful and surprising every day.

I know how you feel, I felt like DS2 was a little stranger and my real baby (DS1) was doing all these amazing things and had such a personality etc. I don’t know how long it lasted but for the first 4/5 months DS2 was just a little accessory to me. I looked after him without thinking about it and he was almost just a part of me but I didn’t really think about him, I just cared for him automatically but all my head space was taken up by my toddler. I can’t remember when it changed, I think it was a gradual thing but he’s 2 now and I feel as close to him and as in love with him as DS1. It will change, maybe gradually but don’t feel guilty it’s very normal. Don’t compare your feelings for your baby to your toddler, the relationships are so different at this stage

You have a two year old and gave birth just eight weeks ago, you must be exhausted. And no doubt less time to recover from birth given a toddler rearing to go from dawn to dusk! I'm sure fatigue numbs feelings.
I struggled to bond to my boy, but gradually it got easier, I realised I needed to stop 'trying' to bond, and just give it time. He's eight now, and I have the most incredible bond, and a love for him I can't put into words it's so strong. I feel everyday our bond grows, and I adore my children more than I would have have thought possible, and certainly more than when they were babies!
So try not to worry op. I think we are told we should love our babies straight away, and then feel guilty if we don't, but I think lots of mums (and dads too) struggle.
Just make sure you look after yourself, and if you have a good health visitor maybe have a chat with her, as sometimes difficulties with bonding can be part of postal natal depression. (In my case I was just knackered!).
Congrats on you little one though

It’ll come. I had the same feelings with both of mine. My first child it was a tough delivery and it felt very transactional until about 12 weeks until one day I looked at her and realised that I loved her more than anything. Number two was a normal delivery but it still took a good 9 weeks before the ‘feelings like seemed to kick in, and before that I just felt like I was being taken away from my eldest. Now both of them are my absolute world.

Thanks all for your messages, some really good points and perspectives there. I feel better reading them and less alone.