It's not magical all the time

[LongJohnGlitter]

I have a much wanted newborn( via ivf) aand a husband who is unwell. We both wanted our baby and I love him so much I cry a lot, I can't believe how perfect he is. But it's not like that all the time. I do all the housework and caring for the baby (I wouldn't have that any other way), and I also look out for my husband who I adore. Even tho he's been ill our life has been full of blessings including our LO.

But it's hard to do the night feeds on my own, to make bottles with a baby who will only sleep on my chest, to not eat when I'm hungry, and to feel just a little lonely sometimes. What makes it harder is my mum and sister keep saying to savour every moment, that this time with my newborn is precious and will pass so quickly. I know all this and I do stare and marvel at him most of the day, but about 75% of the day I feel exhausted, lonely, afraid, and also guilty that I feel that way, because my mum and sister never seem to have felt like this.

Just needed to know that I'm not on my own...not basking in newborn cuddles 24/7 or feeling ecstatic all the time (even tho the joy that my baby is here is always there just sometimes in the background). Am I a bad mum?

Nope your normal but your family are also right. Having babies and young child is amazing but it’s also fucking hard work at the same time.

Some practical tips - if you are formula feeding then get a perfect prep machine and get a sling.

You are absolutely not on your own OP. I feltike this aftwr having my second. He was very hard work and honestly didn't geelong it special or magical at all. I also had all of the responsibilities st home and had an older child (had him when i was young and still lived at home, so it was easier because I had my mum. She didn't do much but having her there was so much better). I absolutely adored my ds, but sometimes just wanted someone to take him away. I foes pass very quickly, but it doesn't feel like that while you are living it, and people telling you that doesn't help at all.

It's ok to not enjoy every moment, it doesn't mean you don't love your baby.

DS is a preschooler and I think back on "oh, I should have savoured all the cuddles" then I have a reality check that it was bloody hard and barely anyone is savouring the moment when their baby has been screaming for ages.

I'm prestwich my third at the moment and I'm absolutely dreading it because of how I felt with my second. I can't even look forward to it.

Your mum and sister have just forgotten, that's all! Wonderful what those rose-tinted glasses can do to your memory of the newborn stage!

I thought it was all shit at that stage, so you're doing grand. There was no staring in wonder for me, just crying and thinking 'what the f**ck have I done?' for weeks on end before skipping back to work without a backward glance.

Honestly, what you describe is very, very normal. Make your life easier though - make up bottles in advance and keep in the fridge (or use a prep machine if you're happy with that), get a proper sling so you can have your hands free, and lower your expectations of everything (yourself, your relationship, your baby, the housework).

Congratulations on the birth of your baby! Having a newborn is so, so hard, even when the baby is really wanted and longed for. Wanting and loving your baby doesn’t mean it’s not a physical and emotional shock when this tiny bundle is suddenly dictating your whole existence, demanding every ounce of energy you have, pushing you beyond limits you knew you had. My DD is now seven months old and looking after her brings me joy every day. But I found the first few weeks horrific. Full of love and wonder, like you say, but so, so difficult. That’s so normal, but I promise you it does get better. Sometimes I even find myself missing the newborn snuggles! I remember people saying that to me and reading it online and I couldn’t imagine I’d ever look back fondly on that mad, sleep deprived time, but now I do (I am still fairly sleep deprived though!). How you feel is so totally normal, but most likely fleeting in the grand scheme of things. Having said that, if these feelings start to get worse or don’t shift, please do speak to your health visitor or GP or someone you can trust to make sure that you are taking care of yourself and your mental health. Your situation sounds especially hard, as it sounds as though, for whatever reason, you have very little help from your DH. Your baby is lucky to have you. you are doing an incredible job.

What makes it harder is my mum and sister keep saying to savour every moment, that this time with my newborn is precious and will pass so quickly.

They can fuck right off with this kind of well-meaning, tone-deaf claptrap. I loathed virtually every second of parenthood until I returned to work -- I was recovering from a CS, my milk never came in, DS was a high-needs baby who was permanently alert and irritable, and who would only sleep on me, I was so tired I was hallucinating, DH had been made redundant when he was a tiny newborn, and had had to take a job with a lengthy commute, and all my family were in another country, so I was alone with my baby from 7 in the morning till 8 at night six days a week, and then we moved to be closer to DH's work, so I was in a sensationally insular and unfriendly village in one of the coldest winters in recent years.

My son is now eight, and absolutely wonderful. I have occasional moments of wishing I'd enjoyed his early months more, but I recognise that I didn't enjoy them because, objectively, they weren't enjoyable.

What you are going through at the moment is just really tough, and I think it helps to acknowledge that, and to resist (vocally, if necessary) any pressure to pretend everything is lovely. You're not remotely a 'bad mother'. It gets much better, and you don't have to do anything to get to that stage other than keep breathing.

Are your sister and mother able to offer concrete help by looking after your baby so you can nap or simply be alone for a while? That would be far more helpful than mawkish nonsense about how 'precious' it is to be nauseous with tiredness and isolated.

Also, how unwell is your husband? Can he not do any housework or childcare?

Thanks everyone, that helps. I just got my sling and love it, and it's easier to make up bottles now. I think it's just the nights and going solo, the tiredness makes everything hard! My baby is perfect so funny, at 3 weeks and this is what I want to do with my life. Just felt like a bit of a failure everytime I got frustrated or cried, esp after ivf

@GoatWardrobe yes I am also recovering from a c section too. Thanks for ur post, it brings me back to earth, we are all doing our best and sleep deprivation is def not enjoyable!

No, my dh can't do very much with bubs at the moment but when baby is older he will be amazing. He can take out bins and hold nappy bags and give me a cuddle ☺️

Do you have a nice health visitor you could talk to? I’m no expert but PND is apparently more common after IVF (etc), perhaps because of the complicated emotional and physical journey involved. But it sounds like you’ve got an awful lot on your plate no matter what. Is there anyone who can help you out a bit to give you a break? I understand feeling you need to do everything yourself esp as your husband is ill but the adrenaline will only carry you so far and you don’t want to end up burnt out.

Also, I really hate it when people say ‘enjoy every minute!!!’ When colleagues wrote that in other people’s going-on-maternity-leave cards I would always struggle not to cross it out and add ‘it may be hideous and it’s OK not to enjoy every minute!’. You’re not alone.

My DH wasn’t I’ll but was extremely busy at work (engineer, so always under pressure, and it was yet another period of redundancies happening).

Dd has silent reflux so threw up almost every feed, which was only DD’s at her 6 week check (gp was no use on it). And as we later learned, she’s also hot ADHD/asd (Asperger syndrome end of spectrum).

Family live 2.5 hours away.

So it was very hard. DH did some feeds when I could express for him, and he tended to do some middle of the night nappies and/or sheet changes.

There were easier days and harder days. There still are in some ways (she’s 14).

Do what you MUST, no more. Food on the table, keep kitchen and bathroom clean (for everyone’s health), ask for specific help from those who offer (please hoover sitting room/hang laundry/bring a dinner etc).

Use shortcuts - convenience food (within restrictions for DH), use tumble drier for drying or even send laundry out to be done at dry cleaners/laundrette. If possible, get extra clothes so laundry is less urgent. Don’t bother ironing, just clean and dry is what’s important.

And sleep. While it’s not possible all the time, have at least a sit down with tea and food or a nap if possible, when baby naps in the daytime.

Buy ingredients that are already prepped - carrots already peeled and chopped, frozen veg, diced meat. Make dishes that need a small amount of prep and then long slow cooking in the oven that you can ignore - stews or small roasts. Or take 1 nap time to make a spaghetti sauce for that day but a larger pot than usual so you can freeze some for another day.

When you are about to give a bottle, make a cup of tea in a travel mug, so you can also have a drink while feeding the baby. Get in useful snacks in the shopping for you to grab on the move. And speaking of food, try and get online shopping for basics or for meals (see if there are local restaurants doing proper meals as takeaway at the moment).

[Hugs] you’re not alone. The problems change. You get periods of peace and calm. As baby grows, they are less dependent on you for every little thing.

Just seen had a CS and are only 3 weeks postpartum, so you really are in the trenches right now and I’m sure it will get better. Definitely take a survival approach - @BiddyPop is spot on.

Longjohn. Congratulations on your new baby. Of course you are not a bad parent. You are an exhausted one.
As previous pp said babies are amazing but can be fucking hard work.
If you are formula feeding you can get these little tubs that are divided into about 4 sections and you put the powder in there. I'd get a thermos flask and fill it with enough water to mix with the powder. It may only save you ten minutes throughout the whole day but 10 mins rest with a newborn woohoo.
I personally am not a fan of slings but you are the baby's mum. You get to decide what works for both of you. I'm sure your mum and sister mean well and are trying to offer you support. However when your child has grown it is easy to look back through rose tinted glasses and convince yourself that it was a wonderful and easy time.
If you have a health visitor (who is actually not a knob, quite rare) speak to her and tell her how you are feeling.
The house is important but in your family at this moment you are the most important person there, everything and everybody relies on you. You must look after yourself as without you no-one can manage.
Take any offers of help, ask mum /sis to watch baby for half an hour so you can wash your hair, have a soak in the bath.
Make some meals when you can and freeze them.
Make yourself some sandwiches for the day and keep them in the fridge or in a lunch box near you.Try to eat little and often if you can't manage a meal.
See if there are any new parent groups on line that you could join.
Come back and talk to us.
🍷🍫💐

You are super normal!

There's a thing, with babies born after fertility treatment, that parents can absolutely beat themselves up about not feeling Super! Happy! All! The! Time!, to the detriment of their mental health. Far, far better to recognise and acknowledge the hard bits, while, yes, enjoying the good ones. Congratulations on your baby!

The first 6 months of my newborn was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It’s bloody exhausting and relentless. Of course I love him to pieces and he’s absolutely worth it but, my god it was hard! Toddler years are pretty tiring too!

Nobody enjoys every minute. No one enjoys poonami explosions, endless bottle washing, feeling dizzy from sleep deprivation, being screamed at and not knowing why, the endless cycle of the same routine involving milk/poo/fighting sleep. It’s perfectly normal to feel like that, so many other parents feel exactly the same. Just acknowledge it’s tough, it’s ok to be finding it hard work and be kind to yourself. It does get easier when they get older and just waiting till their little personality starts coming out and they start talking etc. It’s a lot more fun then.

Thank you ladies this is great. Thought I was wasting this time with my baby by wishing for this unsettled screaming stage to pass, while everyone else encourages me to savour it. Don't behave pnd, just tired and sometimes overwhelmed. Good to hear others unabashedly saying it was hard too!

Warm wherever you want them to see with a hot water bottle before you put the in it.
There are stages of parenting we all wish will hurry up and pass but there is always a new stage on the way.