Best time to take Shared Parental Leave?

[HumbleCrumble]

I'm pregnant with our first DC and we're hoping to take some Shared Parental Leave. We're thinking of DH taking around 4-6 weeks (on top of his 2 weeks paternity) so that I can still take 10/11 months. He can also use some annual leave on top of that.

We're not sure when the best time is for him to be off - either alongside me at the start so that we're in it together for the initial toughness of our first newborn, or on his own when I return to work. (I know that in theory he could take multiple blocks, but we don't think there's much precedent for SPL at his workplace so a more straightforward request is probably best.)

Which is the best option in terms of helping him bond with the baby, and him appreciating what it's like to be at home with them all day? Our jobs mean I'll probably have to take on more of the childcare once we're both back at work (he works shifts) so it's important to me that he gets an understanding of what that's like, but the initial bonding is really important too.

Financially it would be workable either way - he is the higher earner but we could cope on my salary for a few weeks.

Would be interested to hear others' experiences and thoughts!

I would say the best time would be when you go back to work - we did this, and I found it easier to settle back into work without having to deal with DD starting nursery as well. Knowing she was at home with DH made those first few weeks a lot easier for me.

I also meant to mention, I'm planning to breastfeed so is it possible DH could feel a bit of a spare part/lackey if we choose to be off together for the early weeks?

Could DP take some annual leave after his paternity leave, and take his block of SPL once you're back to work? My DP isn't taking SPL but is taking annual leave after his paternity so will be home for the first month with me.

My DH is having a month of SPL at the end of my mat leave. We decided the babies would be older and it would be more fun for them all. I’m so glad we decided this as babies were born during lockdown so there was very little for him to do with them.

DH was at home for both the first 8 weeks with DS (because he's a teacher and DS helpfully turned up six weeks before the summer holidays) and then took shared parental leave for three months when I went back to work at 6 months. I thought the latter was so much more useful for us as a family and couple - for us it also made a big difference financially but even if not I honestly think that time of being the one at home is why we're the most equal parents we know - he's the only dad I know who would, for instance, pack for the toddler for a week away, or buy the birthday present if the DC was going to a party, or who not just goes to but organises medical appointments and I really think that's because he's the only one who has done an extended solo stint. I'm a bit evangelical about it I know - I know it's not what most people want - but I really think it was such a good decision for us.

It felt lovely and luxurious having him around for that first 8 weeks and it meant I could do things like go for a bath in the early days, but to be honest at that stage he did seem slightly surplus to requirements as I was the only one who could feed DS and that seemed to be 90% of what he needed. It was a shock, actually, as I thought if we were both there it would feel much more equal but we couldn't share nights, I couldn't go out on my own, every time DH took DS so I could have a nap DS would need a feed. So for us the time later was so much more valuable. The one caveat I would add is that I had a reasonably easy recovery from birth, and I'm sure DH being around would have been a much bigger bonus if I hadn't.

We planned to have SPL, but then lockdown happened and that was out of the window! But it actually meant DP was home for the first couple of months anyway

Pros:
I had an EMCS, so at first the additional help was really needed as I could barely walk etc! And couldn’t drive
DP got some really good bonding time which is invaluable
We both got enough sleep - the tough newborn phase passed fairly easily as one or other of us could sleep in the day as needed.

Cons:
After about 8 weeks there wasn’t enough parenting to go around! But that might also have been lockdown meaning there wasn’t really anywhere to go
There was very little to talk about other than the baby as we had been in each other’s company all day

I think I would do this again, but 8 weeks is definitely enough time with DP at home

DH & I took 6 months each with DC2 and it was amazing for us. Since I did it, a few of our friends have done the same. I took the whole year with DC1 but found it made a big difference that we got to share all the baby groups etc with DC2.

I was quite relieved when my DH went back to work after 2 weeks - there wasn't a lot to do really and he's the sort of guy that likes to get out and about whereas I was more than happy to spend my days in bed with baby or on the sofa watching the Gilmore Girls.

I'd echo the previous poster who said to get him to use annual leave to extend paternity a couple of weeks at the start, then do SPL at the end. We had four weeks together at the start, which was useful, particularly as I had to be readmitted to hospital with an infection and wasn't home properly until day 8. But as I was BF, I think it was much better to have the SPL at the end (we did six months each). And it really was much easier for me to leave DS at home with his dad when I went back to work than to settle him at nursery at the same time. Their bond is so close now, and as someone said earlier, he really gets the practicalities of looking after a small person in a way I don't think you can unless you've had true solo responsibility for a while. Everyone should do it!!

Great responses, thanks!

It looks like most votes are for him being off alone at the end - this sounds awful but I do worry I might be jealous of him getting the more "fun" time to himself when the baby is older, did anyone feel that way? (Of course I might be desperate to get back to work by then and hand them over, I'm not sure how I'll feel!)

He usually has set weeks of annual leave so we would have to see if his work would let him use some to extend his paternity.

We're planning 2 weeks paternity + 2 annual leave at the start, then 3 months SPL for him at the end - figured weaning would be well underway by then. There's no pay for either of us at that point and although he earns a bit more it's not tens of thousands, plus I'd get a back to work bonus sooner if I'm back sooner.

Baby might be more fun later on but also messier with food and more mobile and into things, so happy for him to take a turn then!

@HumbleCrumble Yes, I did sometimes feel a bit jealous, but I also found maternity leave relentless and was quite glad not to have to deal with it 24 7! Last time, DH took annual leave from just over 5 months, and I went back at 6 so we had a month handover. We're currently thinking about DC2 and I think what I'd be tempted to do this time is stay off until 7 months, with the handover from 6, and possibly also take a few weeks myself at the end, using up the annual leave accrued on mat leave. But if you're doing a shorter SPL period anyway, that's probably less practical as a plan for you!

Most people I know have had the dads do their leave in the later months - but I think you absolutely have a valid point. Dealing with a 10-12 month old is more fun that a 3-4 month old, and yeah, I would feel the same about dad getting the “fun” bit. I’m not sure of the solution, I just wanted to say that it’s not awful for you to say. It’s a valid point.

Agree with annual leave on top of paternity leave to cover the first four weeks. DH took 2 weeks A/L with his paternity leave last time and I was grateful for it. He’ll be doing it again this time.

He definitely won't be a spare part in the early weeks unless you have a lot of extra help from family. Even with both of you off you'll struggle to get out of the house for shopping or any other basics.
Also you don't need to make SPL simple for the benefit of his employer, it's a legal entitlement and clearly enough on gov.uk. he will have to read it himself to make sure they do it right, as most employers will make mistakes, but you are legally entitled to take it as you like. With that argument no one would take it as i think the rate of uptake of SPL in father's as pitifully low. He should be setting a good example to his colleagues both male and female if he takes advantage of the leave.

Ps good luck with the baby!

Thank you everyone, this is really helpful! I'll be showing DH when we sit down to talk about it