I feel like I do 95% of the childcare

[Mothermason]

My son is almost 3. I work 4 days a week, my husband 6/7 and we are both employed and run a business together.

I am just sick of feeling like I do all the childcare. I find it so hard with a toddler, he doesn’t sleep through the night and wakes at 5 every day. 7 days a week I do bedtime and getting up etc. My husband will always work late until 1am roughly. I do all nursery drop offs and pick ups. I make dinner 7 days week. I do all the washing. I asked if he’d take our son to the park in the morning so I can clean, and that seems like I’m asking a huge favour.

I’m tried. I feel unsupported. When I try to talk about it he just says he doesn’t want to or he’s busy.

Honestly does anyone else have this? Or is this crazy how bad it is. I think if we had ‘normal’ job maybe it would be different. I just want to feel a bit supported. Maybe told I’m doing a good job.

Thank you

I think you need to have a frank conversation with your dh about this as it's clearly not fair on you. There's no reason why you can't split childcare and chores more fairly. In your position I'd think about what would make the most difference and start there. Also have you tried groclock etc for early waking?

If he works 6 or 7 days a week until 1am in the morning, when is he meant to fit it in?

If he was working the same amount of days as you and not doing his share I would hang him out to dry, but realistically if financially he needs to do this many hours, it is your situation rather than him that is the problem.

If you can afford for him to do less hours, sit down with him and explain you are both working too hard and you need help with the children and discuss dropping a day or two so he can help with the children. However tread carefully, don't forget he is also working his backside off and is probably equally frustrated with his workload.

Did you not discuss your hours before having a baby OP? Your both working quite a bit something has to give can your husband not work 5 days. Maybe you could reduce your hours too?

So is your husband both employed in another job and works separately for your own company? Is that why he works so many hours?

Has his productivity increased with his work since having a kid? On my experience most new parents after an adjustment period realise they can be more effective within shorter hours when constrained by the nursery run etc. Does he actually need to work this hours or is he just so dossing around in the Internet for an hour or two a day as well? Is it possible to take on another staff member? It is harder because it is your own business but if it was any other job the advice would be to leave and find something that would at least allow him some family time. The way you describe it though it sounds like he doesn't want to join in. Why doesn't he want to take your kid to the park?

@Tacca You’re right. The way you put this makes me think I just have to suck it up really. I think it’s just the reality of working in self employed roles. Thank you for your honest comment. I do still wish he’d be more supportive though for example I say to him ‘I’m so proud of you at the moment, you’re working so hard’ he never says to me ‘well done for getting up all these early mornings and through the night; it must be tough’ maybe that’s what I need to focus on.

I have tried everything for early waking.

I think it’s just a down day. Kids are lovely and amazing but tough!

We are also self employed, foster carers and have 2 children of our own. (The grey hairs are coming fast!)

I understand working all of the hours god sends, no holidays or sick pay and people presuming "It must be nice to be self employed and take time off whenever you feel like it"

What got us through the most difficult times when financially we had to do long hours, was we both respected the others workload and made time for each other. I changed my sleeping pattern and would do things I could do at home (paperwork, research etc) in the early hours and do the first night feeds. That allowed my wife to at least have unbroken sleep, especially when they started only waking up once or twice a night. If I had a day off I would also get up with the kids, so she could catch up on her sleep.

Equally she was very supportive of me, understood I had to work the long hours without questioning it and would often get me something from the kids.

We also had at least one night a week we set a side for a meal/movie or something similar and one day out with the family.

If you both work 16 hour days and it isn't allowing you enough time for 1 day to be a family, I would honestly consider if being self employed is right for you both. It isn't your fault for feeling the way you do, it slowly drains your energy if it takes too long for the business to build up to a point you can step back a little, it gets very tiring.

If you run the business together could the days you both work be split 50/50 then you could write up a rota of all the tasks, bedtime, dinners, get ups in the morning and also swop every other night between you so every other night you each get a night to sleep without being woken, this would be a lot better if possible?