Only child: blessing or curse?

[Popparoo]

I have just one dd age 3, and no plans for any more.
When I was a child, only children were unusual and there was a stereotype that they were used to getting their own way all the time so didn't make great friends. Looking back, I cringe about thinking that, and wonder if others will now think the same of my dd.
Is there anyone out there who was an only child? Was it a good or bad experience, and do you have any advice for me in how to bring up mine happily?

I was an only child. I was aware that people might think I was spoilt, but this didn't give me any problems - in fact, it made me quite proud. It amused me to think of others envying the 'little princess'. I still hear people today saying that only children can be spotted a mile away. When I say I am one, they are suddenly anxious to add, 'oh, I would never have guessed!'
I'm sure that you already do everything to make your DD's life great. Lots of friends round to play, etc. Especially on Christmas Day. As I got older it was very frustrating to have all those toys but nobody who knew how to play with them and wasn't just humouring me. But then, if I had had a sibling, he/she might not have wanted to play anyway.
I was lonely as a child, even though I had loads of friends, but I know lots of only children who weren't, so don't worry. I think that lack of support as an adult has been one of the biggest drawbacks, but having siblings doesn't necessarily guard against this. I am worried about my mother's old age and feel a huge sense of responsibility, but again, those with siblings still have these (albeit shared) worries. My DH has a sister, but as she lives 200 miles away, it will fall to us to do most of the caring for his elderly dad.
There are advantages to being an only child. You often develop a good imagination and become v. self-sufficient. Also, it has to be admitted that being the sole beneficiary (can't spell today, brian has packed up for good) is quite a consolation prize. Always getting the blame for naughtiness is a drawback, but on the other hand, I think it did make me try to behave!
I have to be candid and admit that I moved heaven and earth to get DD2 so that DD1 wouldn't be an only child. (Obviously, I wanted another child for the usual reasons too). I think this was largely in order to give him someone else of his own in case anything happens to me, as he has no hands-on aunts, uncles or grandparents nearby.

thanks so much for your reply - it's really good to have some insight into what its like to be an only.
I guess everyone feels lonely sometimes, regardless of whether they are physically alone. Does anyone else have any other good tips for me to help me be a sensitive parent to an only one?

A friend of mine has a DD the same age as mine (3), her only child and she has no plans for more. I have a DS who is 7 too. She always says how tired she is because of DD's constant demands for attention. I find that my two do keep each other amused, play and sometimes fight too.

My DS reads to DD helps her with sticker books and generally is very good with things like helping her with videos. This all makes my life a little more easy and gives them companionship.

Now I'm wondering do I have no 3? R

Rhiannon, I have also heard that 1 child is absolutly the most demanding number to have in terms of parental input. I must admit that I didn't relish the constant one-to-one focusing on each other that parent and 1 child are faced with. People have commented that having more than one dilutes the intensity a little. At the moment, my life is like '3 shoes, 1 sock and no hairbrush', but when things settle down a little, we shall see.
One more point is that when I was in my late teens/early twenties, I treated close friends like siblings and was a little overdemanding. I stopped when I realised what was happening, but a fellow only-child friend has continued this into her thirties. Woe betide you if you don't ring her every week!

if i only knew then what i know now!
i think it all depends on your financial and emotional state, i would say the worst thing to do is have another child just becuase you dont want an only child...... i did that i got twins! that taught me.

as an only child i felt quite strong that i wanted more than one child but to be honest i dont think i can give my three children what i would of been able to give my first son if we had stopped there. stuff like helping with homework and reading, and working, and childrens problems but multiplied by three, three times going to casualty during the school holidays three times calling the doctor out if they are ill,there will be three times the college money to ind, thre times the wedding - should they decide to, three times the helping them get to work and keep a job, three times the worry and they all have different problems. i just cannot emphasise enough
its a BLESSING stop there and give your only child all they could ever want for, rather that than wanting to give your CHILDREN all of what they can never have.

when i grew up i appreciated what my mother had done for me, the money she spent, the surprises she lavished on me. i didnt show it at the time but now i know how lucky i was, i think i am lucky in having those wonderful memories than those of .... i didnt get what i wanted for xmas, its not mum and dads fault, they did all they could considering, and we loved each other!!! noooo im lucky i have xmas memories filled with anything i ever wanted and all the love and more

I loved being an only child. I agree about it helping to foster the imagination, and also I'm very happy in my own company and with silence. The downside might be that you become your parents' one chance to fulfil their ambitions but fortunately my mum and dad weren't like that. They made sure that I had plenty of opportunity to play with friends and I had someone around for dinner each week, but I also spent a lot of time in the company of adults, eating out in resturants etc. Christmasses were completely magical. It's a myth that only children are spoilt but I don't understand my dh's feelings for his brothers (one of whom I could happily never see again) at all. Dh grew up in a massive household with little money and when we met, he'd always take the last cake or the biggest slice because he'd learned that you took what you could, whereas I'd been taught to leave the best/last for the other person. (BTW we were both teenagers!)

One word of warning though - be prepared to play lots and lots of board games!

It is nice to read the positive side of being "one". I have a DD aged 2.5 & absolutely NO wish for more, my maternal instinct disappeared when she was born. But some friends say "but you Must have another one" & "poor little thing" etc despite knowing how I feel & I have a permanent guilt trip about the whole thing. Always assumed I'd have more, but had no idea how hard it is etc etc...
Have read articles saying it is more common to have the one child nowadays, but don't see much evidence of this.

Eowyn, don't feel guilty. I know so many people who don't get on with their siblings - my dh has terrible problems with one of his brothers, my dad never sees one of his and can't stand his sister etc. You'd feel a whole lot worse if you had a sibling that your little one didn't get on with.

there are so many positives to having only one child,i completely agree with ionesmum.it is how you raise your child, the values you instill in them and the examples you set that count not how many children you have.i have one little boy,almost 4,and i get sick of people saying "oh are you not having anymore?"and as overheard by my dp last wk"poor not having any brothers or sisters???"my child is not selfish,not spoilt,a caring child,sociable ,has lots of friends,i know plenty of odd children with siblings who fit the "only child" stereotype.also,when people say how much easier iit is to only have one child-well,some things are easier,going out and about,eating out,museums and shows etc but this is offset as ionesmum said by bored games,bored games and more bored games!!each to their own is what i say ,and be thankful you dont have to listen to all that squabbling !!

this is a great place to come for reassurance, there was another thread about siblings arguing constantly which made me feel better too. Other people are just so thoughtless, don't seem to care about all the reasons for not having more, just seem to think everyone must conform.
I'm not very good at playing but I do look forward to doing more together when she's older (someone to go shopping with I hope) whereas my mum was always bogged down with my younger brothers & we didn't get around to doing stuff together until much older.
I am happy with rational arguements in favour of my not having more, just the guilt crops up so often. oh well, bedtime.

I think when it comes to family size, you just can't please all of the people all of the time! I have four children, with big gaps between them. My youngest is 9 years younger then her next sibling and people have said to me "Oh, she's just like an only child, then." I'm not sure if it's was meant to be a compliment or an insult......

But there is no ideal family size and people are just thoughtless when they make comments about how small (or large) your family is. Ignore them, ignore them, ignore them!!

Just read your original post again Popparoo, and I think that if anything, only children might make more effort and make even greater friendships, because we rely on them more. Perhaps we value friends on the same level as family? Just a thought. I don't think you should worry about your child not being able to make & keep friends, because she will.

I think you may be right on that point Droile - my dd seems to be very friendly & sociable.

I have just looked at everyones' postings and now feel really positive about my only one - so a GREAT BIG THANK YOU for telling me your thoughts and feelings to everyone who posted to this conversation!

Just wanted to say that I reckon it all evens out in the end, and if you've had a loving, secure childhood it doesn't really matter whether you're an only child or not - it's the security and love that's the main thing. I was a very happy only child, and although I think Mum got quite a lot of grief for not having two, I was very happy, made friends, and, to be honest, often looked at friends with siblings and thought: 'thank goodness I'm not arguing all the time at home'.

It boggles me that in this day and age, when we're lucky enough to have the choice about how many children we have, and whether we choose to stay at home with them, or work, people still hang on to the 'only child' stereotype. Especially now, when there are so many brilliant clubs and nurseries around, with lots of children creating friendships with others outside of the family unit. That's important, I think - the social aspect, but it's easy to find now without feeling that you have to provide siblings for company!

I think it's just great that we're in an environment where we've the luxury of choosing how many children we want - and be that eight or one, so long as we can provide nice food, cuddle them when they fall over, read books at bedtime, and all those lovely things, I don't think numbers matter one jot