What to do when your child cancels plans with you/your family?

[lonerdottierebel]

My dd was invited to attend her grandma's wedding. Even though she was originally happy to come, once she was back in my ex's care (who has custody) she decided not to, and wanted to stay home with them instead.

In short, this is a recurring issue. There is loyalty conflict happening, and dd feels she has to please my ex all the time, which often means rejecting me and my family. So, it wasn't a surprise when I was told she wasn't coming.

It's less about the wedding, and more about the continuing rejection and alienation of me and my family. Of course, her grandma and grandma's partner were hoping for her to be there, as with the rest of the family. I couldn't bring myself to tell them the real reason so I said it was because she was back at school (she wasn't due back for another couple of days). I'm not proud of it, but I didn't want them feeling rejected by dd on their big day.

I got some advice a while ago from a professional source on this specific situation - missing events with me, etc. The advice was essentially to be mindful of the tricky situation dd is in, but also to let her know that respect for me and my family is expected, to prevent this from snowballing and becoming a long term issue. However, I can't recall much more than that. Should have written it down! Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? I'm wondering what I should say to dd when I see her next. I want her to know that I understand that things are difficult for her, but also that my family are important too, as she just doesn't seem to think so.

How old is she? How do you know she was happy to go to Grandma’s wedding but ex changed her mind, perhaps she really didn’t want to go and said yes to please you or she decided she would rather hang out with friends?

This is difficult.
How old is she?
Technically, if it's ex"s contact time, it's the ex you need to be liaising with about attending events which are arranged your side.
Being practical, arranging events as much as possible on your contact is the simplest solution.
Repeatedly expecting a child to be able to choose stopping contact to attend is an awful position no child should be put in. This has to be an adult issue.

How old is she?
It’s sad, but if it’s her choosing not to go then I don’t think there’s anything you can do. Maybe she genuinely just wants to not go and stay at home with her dad? Maybe she’s socially anxious?

If your ex has custody you need to consider that she may only be saying yes to you (when you are both together) because she doesn’t have the confidence to say no.

I refrained from going into the whole backstory as it's very long winded. Dd enjoys her time with me and my family very much, however, over the years the loyalty conflict has been built up so much from my ex, and I have watched as it has gradually changed dd and alienated me and my family. Because of her enjoyment when she is actually with me, and because of how it has gradually built, I am just going to have to ask for your trust in the fact that I know my ex is pulling the strings with dd. She pulls the strings with everyone in her life. She did with me, but I eventually found my way out. It's a serious issue, which is why I am seeking advice. It's not like this is going to change unless I really put in some work to help dd understand what is going on without, of course, bad mouthing my ex, or making it worse for dd. It's a tough thing to see your child slipping away due to a toxic ex partner and a real challenge to try and parent and raise them in a way which will enable them to eventually see the light, yet all the while having to be careful not to say something about your ex that might upset your child. It's a real balancing act.

More and more, as time goes on, dd chooses to appease my ex, as she knows that if she doesn't, she will be in my ex's bad books, and even as an adult, you don't want to be in this person's bad books, trust me.

Dd is 8. This is just the tip of the iceberg of what has been going on. Every week there is an issue. To put it bluntly, but very honestly, dd believes she is betraying my ex if she so much as leaves her side for a minute, and it's stopping her from living a regular life. She believes that my ex stops loving her when she comes to mine and will die whilst she's away. That's the kind of level we are at (and people in my life wonder why I'm so stressed and burned out all the time!) We have that conversation every week these days. Cafcass and children's services have been informed, btw, but they're not interested.

If you genuinely feel your daughter is suffering parental alienation then you need to speak to a lawyer. That’s an awful conversation for a child of 8 to be having every week!

We have to deal with very toxic situations with children as foster carers, including their parents. There is irregular contact, lies, manipulation, anger, resentment and hate. I say this because it never comes from the child, it is always the parents putting the children in this position. What you also find is that the child becomes the adult, the level headed one that is trying to keep the peace.

You don't go in to details so I don't know how much is true and how much is driven by your dislike of your ex, but it really doesn't matter. No matter who is at fault, right now, your child is suffering.

She is being put in a position that she shouldn't be, where she simply can't win. She isn't rejecting anyone, she is either being told she can't, she isn't allowed to go or she doesn't want to go because of the toxic situation.

I am not saying you don't have a very good reason to be incredibly annoyed at your ex and you could be completely right about her and have simply become incredibly angry, like any of us would. However please trust me that you need to get out this current mindset, for the sake of your child.

Your daughter hasn't gone in to specifics as to why she can't attend, because this would create an argument between you and your ex. Instead she has simply said she can't/doesn't want to go. She is becoming the adult and trying to keep the peace, where as you didn't ask her mum first to see if she could come in her contact time. Her mum probably said no because she wasn't ask first and you are both acting like you are the children.

I understand she may say no if you ask her, or that may play in to her being controlling. However you simply have to do the right thing for your child, you can't control what she does but one day your daughter will be old enough to understand. You can't expect her to make choices between you both, whether you like it or not she will love her mum and her mum puts a roof over her head.

For all of the horrendous things foster children go through, I have only ever known one that said they didn't want to go home. It is human nature wanting to belong in the place you call home and your hate of your ex, or anything you say will not break it, sorry.

Instead for the sake of your child you have to somehow put up with your ex, even ask her permission and if necessary play her controlling game. Sometimes as adults we do what we have to for children, lie awake rocking them at 3am. Be calm when they are having a meltdown even though we secretly want to scream. Wait for that no good boy to break their heart and be their to comfort them afterwards. Your burden is you have to put up with your ex, it really isn't fair on your child.

@FelicityPike I have spoken to solicitors, etc, many times, but nothing has ever been done, essentially because there are no bruises on dd, for want of a better way of putting it - emotional stuff like this is very hard to prove. I can only hope that one day someone will do something. You are right, it is an awful conversation. Just to be clear, I never start that conversation. Dd will be in tears and I will ask her if she wants to talk, and she tells me this by her own choosing. That has always been my approach over the years - not to push her or make her feel uncomfortable, but to provide a healthy space here when she's with me, where she knows I am there to listen to her if she ever wants to talk.

@Tacca I appreciate your insight. Thank you. You are right, dd is trying to keep herself 'safe'. I can really empathise with that. I thought I should point out a few things for clarity:

The wedding had already been discussed with my ex (we have an unwritten agreement that we will allow for dd to attend family/important events like birthdays, weddings, funerals, etc, even if it's during our contact time). This is where my ex flipped it and had an excuse (dd doesn't want to go).

I don't go in to detail with the backstory, as this unhealthy behaviour has been going on before dd was even born, and at some point I feel I have to stop repeating the same anecdotes otherwise I would be forever on forums writing up mine and dd's story over and over (I would be happy to chat more by pm if there was anything particular you want to know). I'm not interested in waging a hate campaign against my ex. If dd wasn't being affected I wouldn't be on here. I have always remained the amicable parent between me and my ex, and unfortunately that has never been reciprocated. It's a challenge every day, but I remain grounded for dd's sake.

I can't emphasise enough how I play my ex's game, to keep things as good as possible for dd. My mindset really isn't on being angry at my ex, it is on dd, and helping her as much as possible, whatever that might entail - whether it means chatting with her one week, and not saying anything the next. I am just trying seek some advice, but because of the nature of the situation and the nature of my ex's behaviour, I will inevitably have to mention her name and what she is like. This is someone who doctors, police, therapists, services who help people with domestic abuse have all said to minimise contact with as much as possible, which I have done, and who have all said (on hearing my story) is narcissistic. I have real concerns for dd and I am struggling to get anyone of authority to step in and take action, so all I can do is put her first, like you say, and do what I can myself to make things easier for her. And sometimes that is standing back and not saying anything at all. For instance, I keep my distance at handovers, in an effort to prevent my ex from berating me in front of dd, so dd doesn't have to witness that. Sometimes, there are situations like this, where I just really want to do the right thing for dd, but I am not sure what that is, as I want her to know I understand how difficult things are for her, but I don't want things to keep snowballing the way they are, and for instance, find in a few years, when let's say I get married, for example, dd doesn't want to come, or doesn't want to go on holiday with me, etc.

I understand, I think the issue with your first post is it talks about your daughter having a loyalty issue and rejecting your family. This comes across when reading it as you blaming your daughter when she is in a no win situation. Again I understand that this can actually be pure frustration from your side.

Just remember that you are struggling to deal with your ex being controlling and manipulative, what hope does a child have. It must be easy to get so annoyed you feel like blaming everything, but try to keep this in mind to keep grounded.

I have yet to here of a child removed from care purely for psychological reasons unfortunately and normally only when it is a byproduct of something else. For example neglect causing psychological damage or abuse that causes it, they go in to care because of the abuse and psychological damage.

Whilst I am not saying it is impossible, proving she is doing it and the courts agreeing is a massive uphill battle.

No offence to any of my relatives but as a child the last thing I want to do was go to the another wedding

I really feel for you, this sounds a lot like my sister's upbringing (would have been mine if my parents had split earlier). People who have never experienced someone like your ex do not understand the situation I am sorry to say, so I just stopped talking about it with 'unnecessary' people. It was too draining having to 'convince' them it's not normal behaviour, you are not dealing with someone who reacts like you or me, or is even capable of putting their child first.

My sister was seven when our parents split up and my dad was (still is, years later) in such a difficult position regarding everything. And even though I've been in this situation, literally the only thing that works is going NC and obviously your DD is not going to go NC with her mum (mine didn't either, and I was an adult so I had the independence and perspective to be able to do so).

A big mistake my dad made was to take my sister's behaviour too personally, and therefore added to this idea that she could only be on one side or the other, that any contact with the other parent/side was a betrayal. He very much let her know how hurt he was whenever she 'rejected' him/us.

I have found the best thing to do is always be there for my sister, always be available and never put pressure on her. You become 'safe' even if you don't have that much contact. It is so difficult to put your own hurt aside - believe me, I know - but it is the only way to help your DD at all. Years later, she sees our mother for what she is and has a relationship with both parents (and me, of course).

Feel free to PM me. I wouldn't wish yours or your daughter's situation on my worst enemy.