Help with my 6 year olds behaviour

[Cocacola12]

Im looking for some help regarding my 6 (7 next month) year old ds.
He cannot take no for an answer and will continue asking on and on until we end up having a massive row.
Eg tonight -
It was bedtime and he was trying to take his iPad up to his bedroom. I said no and he can’t keep it up there it’s only for downstairs. Asks why. I say that’s just the rules. But why. Again I repeat myself. Continually asks but why starting to whine and moan now. I tel him if he continues then iPad is gone tomorrow. Keeps going and saying no no I’ll be good I promise. I tell him to go upstairs to brush teeth. Goes upstairs and again starts saying please can I have iPad tomorrow I promise I’ll be good. Again I tell him no, and if he continues moaning at me he’ll lose it for a week. Says I’m being mean and calls me an idiot and to shut up. I tel him iPad is now banned for a week due to his language and he is to go to his room immediately. Refuses to go to his room and keep asking why and saying he will be good, shouting and making lots of noise (He has another 2 sibling who are trying to sleep) Keeps getting worse all the while I try to ignore he starts poking my arm saying please please mummy I’ll be good. I lose my temper and tell him if he’s not in bed Once I count to 10 then iPad gone for a month. You guessed it he gets more irate and shouting. I genuinely have no idea what to do... all of this over one simple request. This is a regular occurrence. He just cannot be disciplined - he won’t go to his room and just keeps arguing no matter what I say, and then starts being rude and ruder if i try to ignore causing more trouble - it’s a viscous cycle
He will then get so worked up that I can’t get him to calm down before bed. He’s eventually gone down now, 1.5 hours after the initial arguments.
Afterwards he always apologies (without me asking) and does seem genuinely sorry.
Please can someone offer me some help as I’m just feeling so worn out. I’m handing this all wrong and stressing us both out

It sounds so like my DD who is now 12...she was exactly the same. She's recently been diagnosed with ADHD. I'm not saying your son has that of course but looking back, DD's defiance and boundary pushing was and is part of her ADHD.

She would never take no for an answer. The only advice I can give, with the benefit of hindsight is to use humour.

I have always been able to distract DD from this sort of thing with humour...so she'd start whining and begging and tantruming for something and I'd turn into a character who was even worse than her and make her laugh.

Obviously you'll have your own humorous things you know will get your DS...try to catch it before it descends.

I should add...her behaviour has improved a lot and especially since her diagnoses.

Saying those are the rules with out given a reason wouldn,t work with mine then would get annoyed. Punishing fuerther will just make it worse you said no tablet for next day and you should leave it as that.

He won’t go to his room when told? What’s that all about? Why has he had the option not to do what he is told? Perhaps because you spoiled him when he was younger and didn’t follow through with things? He got sent to his room and came out after five minutes promising to be a good boy and you said ok fine?

I’m a fan of the super nanny methods but I know not everyone is.

It sounds to me that he’s never learned that no means no. In later life a man not learning that no means no can be a major problem.

If you can get him under control now it will be better in the long run.

If he goes on at you after an initial warning and being told that the subject is not up for discussion he needs to get sent to his room if he continues to go on about it. And make him stay there for the full six minutes, starting from scratch again each and every time he comes out.

There are many threads similar to this and it is normally quite apparent what is going wrong, but from what you have said it seems that you are doing most things right. It is impossible to tell us everything, but I presume there is a lot more to it as I wouldn't expect you to be having the problems you are having currently.

If you have not been consistent in punishments or have backed down previously, he will push the boundaries or escalate things further to try to get you to back down because you have had enough/it isn't worth it. If you always stick to your guns he will eventually stop, or try a new tactic.

Alternatively there could be a medical reason for his behaviour, or something you have missed that may help further.

There are a few things I picked up on you are doing that will be not be the sole reason for his behaviour, but hopefully they may help you.

If you give a child a count before punishment, you teach them that until the end of the count they can do what they want. That also goes for future behaviour, they start to understand they can do anything they want because later there will be a count and they only need to stop at that point.

Children need to know why things are the way they are, including rules. It is also really helpful because they can apply those reasons to similar situations in future so you aren't having constant battles.

If your reason for no tablet is that it is bed time, tell him it stays downstairs because it is bed time, we can't play in our sleep or it may wake your siblings etc. From that he will learn you don't be noisy and you don't play at bed time, instead of I can't have my tablet because mummy says so/is mean. When he gets a phone, laptop, new toy, he will understand the same rules will apply. Currently all he knows is that tablets aren't allowed, so you will be having another fall out with him in future.

You also mention about increasing the amount of time for a punishment, but at 6 years old they don't understand the length of time very well. Therefore increasing it wont be much more of a punishment.

Finally reward him when he gets it right and doesn't battle with you, it doesn't have to be much. Let him pick his favourite tea for the next day and tell him how great he is.

Elieza some children are just defiant no matter how correctly their parents enforce rules. You're assuming a LOT.

What do you suggest I do If he keeps coming out of his room?
I have a child one year younger who behaves nothing like this, so I don’t think it’s entirely to do with my parenting, but I do know that I have to change in order for something to change as we cannot go on like this.
Thanks for some of the advice, I know I need to stay firm and not get involved in arguments with him but it’s hard when he’s screaming at the top of his voice at 8.30pm to just ignore him. 😢

My youngest did that too. It's exhausting...I well remember that time and how frustrating it was. I was also SO tired!

Again, in retrospect...I wasn't very aware of how DD's diet was affecting her mood. I would now fully limit/cut back on all sugary or processed food and drink.

The coming out of the room has to be dealt with very calmly and very repetatively...take his hand each time, lead him back in...don't speak or shout apart from saying "Back to bed now"

Or similar.

Once they get exhausted they tend to give up. Also make ANYTHING he does that's good extremely celebrated.

Loads of hugs and praise and rewards for doing the right thing. Point out when he's done well...even for simple things like you've asked him to put his cup in the sink or taken his shoes off...whatever it is, really go overboard on the positive reinforcement.

Don't worry about the judgemental post, none of us are perfect. The fact that unlike a lot of parents, you are actively trying to listen to advice about the best way to parent your child says a lot about you.

The previous poster has some great advice and I was just about to reply something very similar to this The coming out of the room has to be dealt with very calmly and very repetatively...take his hand each time, lead him back in...don't speak or shout apart from saying "Back to bed now"

It is going to be a battle at the start and he may try to do other things, like get his toys out etc. It will feel like it isn't working but eventually he will realise he isn't achieving anything. It will be a tough week or two, but imagine the bliss when you simply take him to bed and he goes asleep.

Thank you for all your advice, lots of good things to implement.
I did question whether he showing some
ADHD traits, the school haven’t mentioned anything about it, although they have said that he does struggle with his emotions at times, but nothing out of the ordinary.He does listen ok at school. I don’t know if it’s necessarily that or whether there is something more, or whether it’s just him.
He’s actually very good at going to bed (normally) infact he’s probably my best sleeper out of the three! it just so happened this situation happened before bed yesterday
I think a big problem is that it always seems to escalate from a small thing into something huge, if I try to ignore when I’ve told him
He’s not allowed something or to not do something and explained why - he will just keep saying mummy mummy over and over, shouting my name - doing things to get my attention, letting the dog out, pressing the light switch on and off, threatening to throw something - so I have to react at some point to stop him - this is the part I struggle with as I do feel I’m calm to start with.
I had a look online and ODD came up - although he’s not like this at school only at home so I do feel like it’s probably more of an issue with how we deal with the problem.
My husband isn’t around a lot as he works long hours so most of this falls on me. Although his reaction is similar to mine, which I don’t feel helps. He says he just needs told off. I’m normally a very calm and controlled person and so I always feel really upset when I lose my temper and worry that I’m damaging him and he’ll grow up into an angry man who hates me. I just wish there was a parenting course or something we could go on but there doesn’t seem to be anything in my area.

Sounds like my 6 years old, drives me demented
My husband works away a lot and my son really misses him so I put a lot of his behaviour down to that

I also questioned ADHD and discussed with the school but he behaves perfectly at school , it's only at home and mostly with me he doesn't do as he is told

Having spoke to other mums it seems it's quite common I have a 4 year old boy who behaves perfectly most of the time so that's makes it worse as it highlights the 6 year old so much and how difficult he is but it's just different personalities

As a child I was a absolute nightmare and did nothing I was told at home or at school yet my older sister was a angel

Sometimes I think it's down to characters also and bring very head strong

My 6 year old hates being told what to do he knows best or do he thinks

If you find a solution please let me know OP your not alone

Thank you @Indoctro it’s good to hear from others experiencing the same. And like you my youngest is 5 almost 6 and behaviour is completely different, which I guess makes me feel a little better as it’s obviously not solely my parenting!
He had a friend over today and his behaviour was really quite awful...he really shows off particularly around his friends (for example his behaviour inside school is ok, In the playground he can be a bit of turd but I believe it’s fairly low level boys messing around/typical playground behaviour - again im not condoning it but I’m quite sure if we can calm things out at home it will impact on this) I am proud of myself though as I really managed to hold it together, he did go to his room for a time out, and he’s spending the day in after school tomorrow for being rude to me. Now I need to follow through with this and I feel this is where the challenge will be. But it’s really given me the push to make a change and create a more harmonious environment for everyone

Wanted to add the friend coming over was arranged ages ago, and it was too late notice to cancel

Your six year old has an iPad?

Let him earn ipad time each day .
Eating nicely
Playing nicely etc
Sit with him decide
Dont get nto arguments or one day one month one year

I am also bad at empty threats , my husband has been on at me for ages. You never follow through so I have too been following through with punishments. You will go to bed if you don't do such and such etc and after originally not listening he will now go to his bed or sit in thinking step etc when told but that took a while so definitely keep that up

Mine also shows off when he has a friend round , he has been warned if it continues friends won't be coming round .

I think it's probably due to being a bit too soft and not following through with punishments , I'm trying to be more consistent and when he is good being super praising of him and making a fuss at how proud I am of him , he seems to relish in praise also.

Don't fret, stay calm be consistent and praise praise praise when good

That's my action plan anyway OP , wish me luck lol

@Newjez, not exclusively his, but yes he has use of an iPad. He watches videos of footballers and bmx’ing (his current hobbies) I don’t think that so outrageous in this day and age for kids of almost 7 to have some sort of tablet? Maybe it is, who knows!

My 6yr old often does this type of behaviour when she's in need of some extra attention and one on one time with me. Its like a power struggle type thing and I find the more I try to ignore it the more extreme she behaves. For me what works is getting a 30mins of time before bed with me and her to play, read, let her take the lead and no screens or other distractions like siblings running about.

I said no and he can’t keep it up there it’s only for downstairs. Asks why. I say that’s just the rules. But why. Again I repeat myself.

This is not a proper answer. I always went for real explanations. As in: "because you will play on it instead of sleeping. And before you promise me you won't, remember that we have tried this, didn't work, so end of discussion." It's no magic bullet, but kind of preempts a lot of followup arguments as well.

First post on mumsnet so hope i'm doing it right lol !

I wonder if diet could have anything to do with it? i personally have a 'no sugary foods after 4pm' rule for my DD as i find that she can get very hyperactive in the evenings which as you can imagine is a nightmare when i just want to settle down in front of the telly...!

personally i also limit screen time in the evenings although i know that not everyone is on the page in that regard... i just think it can cause real overstimulation and i worry about DD's attention span as she is still young (7). setting that up as a regular expectation/rule is great for making clear boundaries and expectations for our evenings. DD knows what the rules are and feels much more secure because of that.

but theres no easy answer I suppose!