i have to think about who gets primary care of ds....me or ex-dp.....feedback please

[queenrollo]

i received great help and advice about the break-up of my relationship with ds father.....and here i am again.

ex-dp has suggested he would quite like primary care of ds (2 years old)...but that he will work with whatever my decision is.
I'm struggling very hard with what to do about this.
For lots of reasons holding ds best interests at heart it would be better for dp to have him...........but i'm struggling with how people will perceive a mother giving up full time care of her child.

Can anyone give me feedback....or even experience of the father having primary care rather than the mother, as the result of a mutual decision.
I have so many hard decisions to make, but i really don't know where to begin on this one.....

Can you not share 50/50?

Do what is best for your child, and for you. It is nobody's place to judge you.

Could you both work part time and share the child?

What do you think is best for the child?

If you are confident in your decision it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks.

ex-dp will not be working during the week....with the exception of the occasional evening, he will be working Fri/Sat/Sun......it seems to make practical sense for ds to stay here with him. Ex is keeping the house (he is setting up a business from here)....so ds keeps his room, and surroundings. He can do all the same groups/activities........
It will make better financial sense for both of us, and will mean during the week i can be more flexible about retraining/college/work....whichever path i take.
When i take the emotional aspects out....him staying with the ex is the right way to do things. It would just be very hard to spend my days without him, after two years of being his full time parent. His father and i are on extremely good terms and would share our time with him during the week individually and even on 'family' outings....so i guess i would be easing into it.
I will talk to ex and see exactly how he feels about all of this.......

Whatever you decide now, if his new business becomes successful etc you may have to change the arrangements, when new partners come along that will change things too.

You can have 50/50 shared responsibility - it sounds like your ds could stay with you Fri-til Monday morning and that you will be involved duriing the week as well how is tat giving up full time care for him? Someone has to work, someone has to look after him.

it just feels a bit like him living here during the week will be seen as me walking away from him.
i know that's silly, it doesn't matter as long as ds is happy.......

I think that is your perception. Many many mothers work full time and use day long day care, there is no difference - in fact at least it is his Dad looking after him! Try not to stress and let what other people may think bother you doing what is best for your ds is the right thing to do.

What a difficult decision to have to make. It does sound to me from the posts here that you are clearly giving a lot of thought to what is best for your DS, and that shows you are a caring and loving mother. Maybe you could try out your ex having primary care for a trial period of a couple of months to see how you all find it? No decision that you make needs to be set in stone. I also think that there are many ways to be a good parent, and that as long as your DS feels secure and loved by both parents, you can rest easy.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

you are not giving up care of him you are simply trying to come to a shared care arrangement that fits in with your working lives.

If you are on good terms then it is easy to see how you can share time with your ds during the week too.

don't get hung up on labels and perceptions. Do what is best for your family