My girlfriend is pregnant and we are in a long distance relationship.

[Andrewparker]

My girlfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for 20 months now. She lives in Germany and I live in England. I found out in July that my girlfriend is pregnant. My initial reaction was a feeling of joy and happiness because I truly believe that she is the one and had already imagined spending the rest of my life with her.
But I can not help to have these feelings of worry due to our current circumstances....

Our situation is this.....

My girlfriend is studying to become a nursery school teacher and would be on her final working year for her degree this September but due to the pregnancy she will take a gap year to start her final year from September 2021.

I am in the British military
My current job in the military has very good flexible working hours for the average military job and I have had lots of time off to go to Germany to see her.

Our initial pencilled in plan was that my girlfriend comes to England between October 20 - March 21 then goes back to Germany to give birth.
I then get a 1 year unpaid career break from the military starting September 2021 so that I can go live in Germany for 1 year to fully support looking after our baby whilst my girlfriend starts her final year of her degree.
After she has finished her degree we would then come back to England with our child.

But now after further conversations she says that she will not come to England after my 1 year career break and that she demands that I leave the military instead.

She says “If you don’t leave the military you will not see your child again”

This is very worrying for me because I was relying on that we would all come back to England.
I currently have 2 mortgages and a very good career.
Taking this unpaid 1 year sabbatical is already a hugh financial risk during these hard times and I believe that I will have to sell 1 house for money during my career break.

If I leave the military I would have to sell everything I own to go to Germany to start a new career in something. (I don’t speak German yet) or have any qualifications take transfer from the military to the civilian world.
The list of things that I have to do to keep this family together is hugh for me and I don’t even know if it’s possible during this current crisis.

Where as my girlfriend already speaks fluent English and has already worked in England nurseries before, But refuses to be in England.

I just feel she isn’t willing to do what I have to do to keep this family together.
I want to be there for our child.
I’m worried that i might not be able to sell my houses soon enough if I leave the military to financially support us, I would also lose my military pension.
She says that I am being selfish by putting my career and houses before our child.
I don’t know what to do anymore.

Do not leave your job. I wouldnt even take the year off at the moment. Had your GF been kinder about the whole situation and not immediately jumped to using the child as a weapon, I'd be a lot more considerate of her.

As it is, and with the statement she has given, you need to protect yourself.

It would be entirely possible to continue living in the UK and you send money over to them (pending a DNA test). You visit as much as you can, work depending.

Your relationship is still new. That it is long distance means it's had even less time than most. You don't need to move lock stock. In fact, I'd recommend not. Support from afar, and as much as possible, support in person.

Oh no, that sounds like a really difficult situation.
Is she suffering badly with pregnancy symptoms? Sometimes during pregnancy you can feel absolutely awful and the thought of moving country might seem too much at the moment.
Does she know anybody in England? Does she know and get on well with your family?
Often when having a child it is the first time nowadays that we realise how much we may need to depend on other people for help, in previous generations people didn't tend to travel as much and often lived near family.
I don't know much about your prospects for finding work in Germany, all the Germans I know speak excellent English but you can't rely on that when moving to a country. And it seems likely that your financial situation is going to get worse, at least in the short-term.
Do you want/plan to stay in the military longterm? Would you have been looking for a career change at some point in the future anyway?
It does seem very unfair of her to threaten you with not seeing your child and she is definitely going about things the wrong way but bear in mind she is may be very scared of the idea of parenting, and if you continue to talk to her sensibly and reasonably she might start to see things from your point of view.
Good luck, I hope you come to a arrangement that suits all of you.

What kind of person issues ultimatums like that, and immediately jumps to the nuclear option off 'you'll never see your child again'?

I agree with pp, be wary of taking a career break, support from afar, see how it develops.

Whether you leave the military in two years time or not, it makes sense to stay working this year anyway. Just delay the decision for now. Everything will seem different when the baby is here.

It does feel bad. I understand that her hormones levels are high and I really hope that she relaxes further through the pregnancy. I can not give her the answers that she want and I’m struggling to continue with positive encouragement.

She doesn’t have any friends in England, she doesn’t care so much about that as she doesn’t socialise a lot back home. We are both similar in this since.

Yes, my family like her and get on well.
She lives with her mum and doesn’t want to leave her. I understand that she feels safe and secure but I can give her all the support here.

I’m hopping that when she comes here Between Oct-March that she will see that it’s okay here.

I wanted to continue in the military for another 12 years to get my full pension, then I wanted to look for a career change.
I’m willing to move to and eventually sell my houses to go live in Germany. It’s just not realistic in the time frames that she wants.
We seem to be going around in circles when we talk. Thanks for you response.

Be careful her threat is not something to ignore I would not give up your career after that

Im in the military (Army). Why are you taking an unpaid sabbatical when you can take paternity leave and the pay associated with that?

As far as I’m aware I can get 2 weeks leave from when the baby is born.

Can you get a compassionate posting to Germany?

If you wanted that?

No you can choose to split maternity/paternity leave with her. For example, she does 6 months, you do 6 months.

Letsallscreamatthesistene No you can choose to split maternity/paternity leave with her. For example, she does 6 months, you do 6 months

But the mother is a German citizen living in Germany so wouldn't be entitled to the UK parental leave. And if she isn't, he isn't.

Its Armed Forces policy and we have a long presence in Germany. OP will not be the 1st person in the Armed Forces to have a baby with a German girl. Before writing it off entirely, I think its worth investigating.

No I can not get a posting to Germany as British troops have been pulled out of Germany.

I will look into the split maternity/paternity leave

Thanks for all the comments

This is a very new relationship. If she is issuing ultimatums at this stage be very wary of the future. Pregnancy hormones aside she sounds very controlling! I would advise you not to give up your military career as I think it will last much longer than this relationship! Sorry

We still have a small contingency in Germany. There are some postings but it will highly depend on your trade.

Is her family whispering in her ear, I know Germans are generally not a force to be reckoned with (and have a few German friends that I'm still in contact with) financially she is better off in Germany. You need to get to the bottom of why she no longer wants to come to England?

OP are you any closer to making a decision?

It does not bode well for a harmonious relationship if her 'negotiation' style is to immediately start making threats ☹️

In Germany we are entitled to 14 shared months parental leave paid at 67% of your average salary over the previous 12 months. I’m not sure though how it works if you previously worked outside Germany but I know that if you haven’t been working at all, you get the minimum payment of 300 euro.

You might find this overview of parental leave in Germany helpful: www.bmfsfj.de/blob/139908/72ce4ea769417a058aa68d9151dd6fd3/elterngeld-elterngeldplus-englisch-data.pdf