Breastfed to nap/sleep

[Catarinah]

My 8 month old is breastfed to sleep for both naps and night time (he will fall asleep in pram/car and occasionally if he's being rocked but it takes forever, like up to an hour because he cries wanting boob then hes overtired). Rocking also faces the issues of then putting him down, because he usually wakes up then we have to start all over again, which is a nightmare when youre already exhausted. So my worry is, whats gonna happen when I return to work in 4 months? He'll be with my mum 2 days a week and with me the rest, but I'm worried about how she's going to get him to nap on those 2 days. She cant always take him for a walk for all of his naps, especially as it'll be winter and cold, its just not practical. I know I have 4 more months but I'm getting rather worried...

You can try feeding him and putting him down just before he falls asleep, then sit next to him and gently shush pat him. Does your Mum mind walking in the cold? If not, she can bundle him up and take him out in the pushchair (children often sleep well in the fresh air). Alternatively she could have the pushchair indoors and rock it.

Try not to worry - 4 months is a long time at his age and he will probably change. Just try putting him down awake (even if he is drowsy) and then placing a hand on him, or whatever, so he knows you are close. Does he have something he always sleeps with, that you could send with him?

She'll be babysitting him at our house, but no he doesnt have like a favourite teddy ot comforter, i could try and introduce one though. He is co sleeping, we managed 3 weeks of the next to me ladt month but his sleep regressed afterwards so hes back in bed with me, so even harder to put him down, he's normally fed to sleep with me laying down next to him then crawling away. So many "bad habits" (so they say) but it's the only way we get any sleep. He point blank refuses a dummy.

I'm surprised the feeding to sleep doesn't make him wake all throughout the night?

The advice is is to feed and then make sure they are a little bit awake when you put them down so they are aware they are being put into their cot to go to sleep. Of course your babe likes to fall asleep on the breast as that's super comforting and nice for them. But this isn't practical.

You need to teach him a new way.

He won't like it at first but you need to be calm, firm and consistent in what you do with him. Feed him, if he falls asleep during the feed then rouse him a little before you put him down so he is aware you are putting him in his cot. Because he's not used to it he will probably cry when you put him down. Stay sat next to his cot but don't speak to him to him or give him eye contact, don't touch him, do something different that will distract your attention away from him. Read a book, go on your phone on low light, anything. Wait for him to fall asleep. If he gets very upset, just lay him back down and say 'bed time' quickly settle him then back to your book. You are literally say right next to his cot, he is safe, he can see you, he is fine. Repeat for if he wakes during the night. He will eventually fall asleep.

The next night do the same but move your chair slightly away from the cot.

Do this until he is settling on his own, each night moving your chair further away from the cot.

This is called the disappearing chair technique.

I will add, on the first night if he is extremely upset, by that I mean more than just a whinge cry, hold his hand or pat his tummy. But by the second night you should just be sat next to the cot so he is beginning to learn to self soothe.

Try not to panic. I had this with my firstborn and they just adapted when I wasn't there. I didn't need to stop the breastfeeding to sleep at all, they just knew when mummy wasn't there they didn't have it. Also I tried to get them to stop but they became so upset and distressed that I carried on until they where 14 months when they just naturally stopped. Obviously everyone is different but I hated people telling me they should self soothe themselves to sleep at such a young age (some babies do but not all) and that I should stop breastfeeding, it was right for me and my child and they stopped when it was right for them. This is the same for sleeping through the night and going into their own room, when they stopped breastfeeding they went into their own room and slept right through, no crying, no distress, they simply went to sleep and slept till morning. I could not stand to let them cry it out, they don't understand why mummy/daddy isn't coming to see them and ignoring them crying went against all my natural instincts of being a mum. Each to their own but I couldn't do it. Good luck and I'm sure you'll both find your own way x

@CGT123 that's so reassuring to read, thank you. It's disheartening to read that I need to sit next to him and not pick him up, it's not how I want to parent. Like you said each to their own and I agree it works for some, just not how I want to go about it. He'll only be with my mum 2 days a week so I'm hoping he'll just learn to settle with her in other ways, I mean my mum had 3 kids and is also against leaving a baby to cry so I'm confident she'll figure it out... Plus there's still 4 months until then....

Agree with cgt123

Your baby will know there's no boob when you're not there. It may be there's some trial/ error from your mum to work out what's best and I'd be inclined to advise but tell her to do what she thinks to get him to sleep.
Mine was bf and refused bottle- til at nursery when it was bottled or nothing!
Sleep at nursery was rocked in a cot, with my mum it was cuddles with me it was bf to sleep and all night... babies learn.

Enjoy your baby being a baby, they grow too quick!

I think your Mum will find her own way. Don't worry too much about it.

4 months is a loooooong time in baby land - think of all the things your child can do know that they couldn’t do when 4 months old.

Don’t panic about “bad habits”. I worried so much with DD1 about sleep habits, making a rod for my back etc.... my advice is, if you’re happy and what you’re doing works for you, stick at it. If you become unhappy, change it! There’s absolutely no reason in the world for you to change something you are happy with.

I’d read a tonne of stuff about self-settling and was very worried that I was in some way depriving my child by not teaching her these things. I fed her to sleep because it worked well for me when I was on maternity leave - I could get her to sleep ANYWHERE in any conditions. I was worried about returning to work. But there was no need to be! Turns out, when I wasn’t there to be an option, DD didn’t need it. When my DMum had her, she’d take her out in the pram. First day or two took a little while, but by the third time (I think) it was completely smooth sailing (I know you’ve said you don’t want to do this because of cold - that’s fine, my DMum could also cuddle my DD to sleep, but preferred the walk and then having her hands free). With my DH, she napped lying on his chest (he liked doing it this way so he could relax a bit too). When she started nursery, her key worker held her on the first day, and on the second she just lay down on a mat like all the other children and went straight to sleep. No problems whatsoever. Children of a year old can learn that different carers mean different routines, and as long as they are happy and content with that carer there’s no reason to think there’ll be any issues.

Incidentally, I didn’t stop the bedtime feed till DD was 2.5. Much later than I’d originally thought, but it just worked like magic for such a quick and smooth bedtime, regardless of what level of light/noise there was. Had no trouble at all changing that when I wanted to, no tears or tantrums. And as a 3 year old, I kiss her goodnight and that’s it. She’s an amazing sleeper. So please don’t worry about bad habits - feeding to sleep works so well because it’s a very natural thing to do, and babies will grow out of it! And they cope just fine when it’s not available. Your mum will find her own way in a day or two.

These are so nice to read, makes mw emotional. All I keeo hearing is how I need to teach him to self soothe, im making a rod, I need to stop these bad habits etc it's so annoying. When really, I know he's a baby and will get there in his own time, I don't wanna force or rush him by sitting next to him with a hand on his chest whilst he cries. It's nice to know that he'll learn when I'm not there boob to sleep isn't an option (hes my first baby). Thanks everyone

Self soothing is bollocks to be honest and if it doesn't feel right, you don't have to do it

But 4 months is AGES and DS slept in different ways for my mum or DH as and when necessary

But by 12 mo boobing at bedtime didn't work anyway, only through the night.

Please ignore the poster saying it makes them wake more, it really doesn't and is biologically normal (and acceptable in most of the rest of the world)

@Harrysmummy246 I'm starting to think it's a cultural thing too, like everyone is obsessed with "is he sleeping through the night?", erm no, but neither did I (even before having him) and I'm 31 not 8 months so why on earth would I expect him to haha

I think this is a problem for other people to figure out and you to let go of...imho. If feeding to sleep works for you, keep doing it, it's natural. Baby will adapt to a new person when you arent there, you'll be surprised!

They can be so different for other people, my DD started nursery one day a week at six months, I also fed to sleep, she was a big bottle refuser, so I'd feed her just before I left her and then as soon as I got there to pick her up, wasn't a full day at that point. Anyway, they used to just pop her in the cot at nap time and she'd go to sleep. I was shocked. We did in the end at home at around nine months do the pick up put down method, so would stay on the room with her, when she cried, pick her up, quick cuddle and say "sleepy time now" then pop her back down, I think the first night was around 90 mins of picking her up, quick cuddle and putting her back down. Over the week it got shorter and shorter and after around 10 days she would go to sleep without me feeding her to sleep. This doesn't work for everyone of course, but I felt more comfortable with this as I was still comforting her, I had to persevere though. As you said, has to be what works for you, and as others said a lot can change in four months :)