Is it fair?

[Waitingforbabypage]

I'm having a really tough time at the minute biting my tongue about the differences in the way my other half treats the kids.
He's quite firm and non-moving when it comes to my 7year old and 11year old from a previous relationship but his 4 year old (from his previous marriage) may as well walk on bloody water the way he's treated.
We're trying to conceive at the moment and it suddenly dawned on me that I would naturally bring them up the way I brought my other two up and he would probably bring the new baby up the way he is raising his son.
But they're very conflicting ways.
I know he's not the biggest fan of my 7 year old, he is quite hard work but he just needs some patience....but it's little things like he'll shout at my son for climbing over the arm of the furniture but I just watched his lad do it 3 times and he said nothing. My kids don't get loads of snacks throughout the day, it's not even 10am and his is sat munching a bag of crisps.
He whinges when mine are watching their programmes on the telly, the entire weekend is spent watching what his son wants. 🤷🏼‍♀️
It's making me rethink absolutely everything.
Am I being overly touchy?

He's not the biggest fan of you 7yr old?

Are you serious, surely you are not allowing him to abuse your own kids
In front of you. The fact you know he's doing this and trying to have another by him, to me op is outrageous

I'm afraid you are not going to listen my post, your 7yr old might never forgive you for allowing this treatment of him.
Don't get pregnant by him, your kids will suffer more for it, Ide get him out of my house and not allow him to show your kids the contempt he feels towards them.

Like not listen

No. It’s sounds unequal. You have to have a conversation about it. But exclude the arm of the chair thing as a 4 year old is very different from 7 year old in that camp.

@Guiltypleasures001 I hear you, I wouldn't have asked for opinions if I wasn't prepared to listen.
He doesn't abuse him, he's never laid a hand on him nor said an unkind word to the child. He just makes it known to me that my son is a handful- which he is. I'm trying my best with him but he is hellbent on pushing aaalllllll the buttons to get a reaction out of anyone.

Best will in the world op kids pick up on the feelings around them spoken or not,
I've dealt with kids who knew deep down when older they weren't liked.

Also your lad might be playing up already cause he senses it now.
Throw another child in to the mix, and well he's not going to get better
He's already reacting to the grownups and this other child who he's not related too, but gets clear preferential treatment when there.

Your poor kids. They won’t see that his son is younger and it’s different sometimes with younger children. They’ll just see that they get told off all the time whilst his son doesn’t.

If I were you, I’d stop TTC right now and have a discussion with your partner. Either his attitude towards the children changes and he treats them all equally (appropriate for age) or that’s the end. If he can actually change, then think about another baby.

Yet when his dc gets to 7 they will be an angel..
I would stop and consider your relationship..
Seriously..
My dh isn't my dc's biological df but he never criticises them.

@LouiseTrees I absolutely am going to have a convo with him. He's very easy to talk to no matter what the subject, he's possibly not even aware he is doing it.
It just seemed very obvious this morning now his son has started to spend the weekends with us (my two are at their fathers for the weekends)

Please do not have a child with this man. I don't often dish out the MN sage advice of LTB but this man is abusing your children through his contempt for them. Bin him.

You are not being overly touchy and it is quite normal to not see your own children's faults. We love them immensely, warts and all and it sometimes clouds our judgement.

I don't think you need to have a bust up about it, he probably doesn't even realise he is doing it.

I would speak to him about it exactly how you have posted here. There isn't much he can say to defend it and hopefully he will realise what he is doing if you keep pointing it out.

A few people have been a bit harsh here IMO, but they are right that your 7YO also needs it. Children understand when something isn't fair and they will lose respect for those making the rules and start to rebel.

Why on earth are you trying to conceive???

Thanks all for your info.
I think we will put a halt on the baby front until we have sorted this out.

I should have specified we only have his son on a weekend as per his custody arrangements while my two are with their father as per our arrangements.
When we have all three together, they're all treated equally, my eldest loves my oh and his son, my youngest gets on really well with his son too.

BUT all your thoughts have been taken on board and I will sort this out one way or another.
Like I said, I wouldn't have asked for help if I didn't want to hear even the hardest truths. So thank you all.

Good luck op

If he only has his son for the weekend, it sounds like he’s trying to be a Disney Dad that his son adores because he never gets told off or told no. That’s fine as a one off but all he’ll create is a monster eventually. It’s possible, if he had his son more often, that he would be harsher with him too.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing

If he only has his son for the weekend, it sounds like he’s trying to be a Disney Dad that his son adores because he never gets told off or told no. That’s fine as a one off but all he’ll create is a monster eventually. It’s possible, if he had his son more often, that he would be harsher with him too.

This is what I want to point out to him. We have mine all week, we get all the attitude because they see us all the time. I'm pretty sure my son is a complete angel for his father too! But going forward, he can't keep doing it. What will happen when we're all together for more than the occasional weekend or if we go on holiday, is his kid going to react badly to suddenly being treated "normally"? With the same rules as the other two? Or is he suddenly going to let the two older ones get away with murder so he can keep up the disneydad vibe with his son? (Which will be worse in the long run, my two would absolutely take advantage of that! 😂)

I sense a couple of serious convos coming up.

@Waitingforbabypage

Any child would take advantage of that! I know mine would.

Definitely have a conversation with him about it.