Bonding - Daddy' girl

[Fairybobbin]

I sometimes feel like it's a struggle to bond with my DD, she's a year 10 months but is a complete Daddies girl...

I'm literally just a third wheel to them both constantly. It's been like this since she was born. I took a year off for maternity leave to look after her but I still wasn't the primary carer in her mind. When I pick her up from nursery she asks for Daddy over and over and when she gets in she runs to find Daddy, last night he was late and she sobbed on the floor for half an hour. I was trying to pick her up and cuddle her and make her laugh etc but I'm never the one she wants. All day and night she will try to get his attention even if I'm near, calling her saying I can play or help. She will push me out my seat so Daddy can sit down or rather cry than spend time with me. I breastfed her to 17 months but even that didn't seem to create a bond. I've been really poorly this week, so my husband has done even more of her care whilst I recover but we had a fall out last night and he did bath and bed time so I feel like I haven't seen her all week. Then this morning he gets her up and ready and brings her to say bye, I just sat on the bed and just gave a little wave. That's it. She didn't care at all and was more interested in picking up something off the floor and went off with Daddy. I just feel like packing my bags and leaving them to it sometimes. I've obviously tried really hard to play and care for her but it just never seems to be the same as Daddy. I had quite an unhappy time with my parents so I don't have a natural example to go by but I give her all the love and patience I can, but I feel like I'm checking out now. When I sit on the sofa watching her I just think what's the point? I don't think I have depression, but it's certainly affecting me feeling like the bottom of the food chain in my house house and unloved. I just don't know what to do anymore.

It sounds like you're having a generally rough time OP

When it comes to your little girl though I think you need to accept that:

a) showing a seeming preference for one parent (often not the main carer) is completely normal and doesn't indicate anything more than the fact that she is gradually discovering the rest of the humanity as separate entities from herself- if she seems more blasé about her primary carer that is precisely because that is the last discovery about separate identities she will make and she hasn't got there

b) it is not your job to seek validation from your baby: it is to be there with unconditional love regardless

c) if you let her sense that you are tense or emotional or not satisfied around your relationship she will be frightened and withdraw; small children need cheerful, unshakable love that doesn't interrogate itself

d) your husband and you need to work as a team on this one, but without making a big deal of it; he should encourage her to see going to you as fun and you need to do the same for him- never let your little girl feel there is anything wrong with showing love for either parent

e) it is normal for a small toddler to be more interested in a toy or a bug or anything rather than the feelings of a parent- they need to be wired that way to achieve independence, otherwise the closeness to their parent would just swamp everything else and they would be forever stuck in babyhood

f) it is a shame that your relationship to your parents was not a happy one but you must not let this affect the way you react to your daughter- she can't be held responsible for this and it's not her job to fix it

Thanks corythatwas, I think I needed to be reminded of those things.

This is a constant never ending thing, so I try to remind myself most of the day just to be there and do my best and make sure she knows she's loved but it's just started to pile up on me. I guess one of the biggest issue is my husband's accedental reinforcement of this. He absolutely adores her and would do anything for her so he makes sure she knows that all the time. But that means everytime I'm speaking I can't get a sentence out without him talking over me to her, as soon as she shouts for him he literally gives her full focus. That's why she feels so loved and safe with him. But it doesn't matter how much I explain that by him cutting me off, not engaging with me and being indifferent is reinforcing her behaviour he just doesn't get it. On the very odd occasion (like twice ever) he's ignored her to prove a point to me it's just horrid because she has a full on tantrum and I feel alful she's being punished. He's physically incapable of finding a middle ground, but it saddens me that he can't show respect in front of her. He's not doing it maliciously - he just needs her to know she's no. 1 but it's at my expense and all just play, play, play. So... I guess I'm feeling increasingly isolated and unloved by everyone around me... But I know I have to keep 'sucking it up' and be there.

My DD adored DH at a similar age. Very disappointed when I picked her up - he got shown off to all her little nursery buddies! It did hurt!

However try to consider the following if it helps. Your DD is so close to you and secure that she doesn’t think of herself as separate to you. You’ve been the constant in her life whereas Daddy comes and goes to work etc.

In time my DD’s attention split more evenly and I’m sure matters will be balance for you too.

In the meantime make sure DH gets to do the less fun parenting too!

I agree with PP that babies tend to be kind of blasé about their main carer, they are so comfortable with you being there it’s almost like they don’t notice - in a good way!

Our DD is a daddy’s girl too but I think of it as a positive thing, she’s happy for him to comfort her, bathe her, put her to bed etc and I don’t have to worry. Apart from when she’s sick - daddy doesn’t get a look in, which hurts him so it swings round.

Kids go through phases too, in a years time it may be different. I do think you shouldn’t seek validation from your baby, if she is loved and well cared for that’s all that really matters.

Your right though - your DH needs to allow her to realise that he isn’t going to jump to respond to every sound she makes, especially if you can’t get a word in! Make sure you get to be the fun parent too, mums tend to be the boring one sometimes so make sure you have some play time, take her somewhere fun the two of you. Good luck OP x

Yes, agree with what the others said about making sure you get fun time. Once you feel better, schedule it in. Your dh seems to have a gift of making what others might think of as boring chores (bath, bed) into fun time and that is great, but he also needs to deal with genuinely boring or difficult jobs, including things that thwart her. In the meantime, make sure to schedule uninterrupted time for the two of you to have fun.

Also: find your strengths! What are you really good at when it comes to creating quality time for a small baby? I realised I could never compete with dh in the silly noises department, but I could sing instead or tell stories or just provide really reassuring hugs- there were good things we could share.

Whilst it is incredibly hurtful you need to reframe it in terms what it means for her development. She is so happy and secure in your love that she doesn’t need your attention because she knows that she has it unconditionally.

She knows that Daddy is a separate person but in her mind you and her are one entity and she doesn’t yet realise that she is separate from you, it logically follows that she doesn’t need to ask for you.

I know how hurtful it feels but it’s actually a brilliant reflection on how safe and secure you make her feel.

I agree completely with @Fairybatman.

I hope you find some reassurance when I say DS was exactly the same at that age. He would cry if DP was on nights and couldn't put DS to bed, only wanted DP to help him on the toilet or to make his food. He wasn't interested in me in the slightest. I was hurt I admit but I know of others that have been through it so reminded myself that it could well pass and it did. DS is 3.5yrs now and a complete mama's boy. In fact, as DS sees DP as the fun parent, I actually have an easier ride. DS knows my boundaries but he twats about so much more for DP

Just give it time.

Thanks for all your lovely replies everyone. Even discussing it has helped and you have all been so reasurring. This evening I just tried to focus on my feelings of enjoying being with her and swallow down all the hurtful moments when I wasn't who she wanted. She sat and ate some food on my lap and even sharing that moment was nice. She had two tantrums that she just wanted Daddy, so when nothing I did helped I walked away and tried not to let it get to me. It's not easy and will probably get to me again in the future but it's been good to remember she's not there for my validation. I'm hoping next week I will be feeling better and try to reconnect with her some more.