How to handle daughter not settling in school and being selfish

[Londonmamabychance]

DD (5) has just started reception. We are in Scandinavia, so that’s when you start here. She’s really not settling well socially. Every day she comes home and says all the boys tease her and no girls, except one, wants to
Play with her. I’ve tried telling her to ask to join the others playing but she says they reject her. I tell her to be kind to everyone and not expect she can decide everything in all okay situations. DH thinks she’s selfish and observes her being inconsiderate to others. Eg has a play date with one sweet girl but goes off to play with another child
In playground. Does not stop jumping
On trampoline when it bothers someone else. Is generally bossy and selfish to little brother. I see these traits in her too, and wonder if that could be why she’s not making friends at school. I’m at a loss as to why she’s that way though. It’s not the behaviour we model at home. But wondering if maybe I’ve been too permissive and kind to her - I let her do a lot of things and am not very strict on her in general. I wonder if I’ve created a selfish self- centred child. How do I know if she’s really selfish, if this is the reason she’s not settling well - and if that’s the case, what can I do about it?

You might have to teach her empathy by pointing out other people’s emotions. Point out mannerisms and facial expressions of people around her to help her understand the difference between happy, sad etc... You can also role-play to help her imagine how she would feel in a specific situation. Ask her, ‘how would you feel in a similar situation?’ This will build empathy in her.
Even though you say that she might be selfish, surely there are times when she will do kind things as well, and when you notice her being kind, praise her. Make sure to describe her act and point out why it was right and why it made the other person happy.
Clearly state your disapproval each and every time she acts selfishly. Get her to see why her behaviour was wrong, and if the selfish attitude continues, consider applying consequences.

At 5 learning social skills and how to negotiate friendships is every bit a part of schooling as beginning to learn reading and writing. We wouldn’t expect our five year olds to pick up War and Peace and read it cover to cover without a mistake, in the same way we can’t except them to be fully fluent in managing friendships.
Each time she is “rejected” in play she will be learning something from the experience to help her hone her skills. Some children will be further on than others but barring SEND she will get there. You can help her by giving her lots of opportunities at home, activities where turn taking is reinforced such as simple board games are good for this. Point out emotions as pp said. It will all help.

Another thing we did with DSS was helping him to feel part of a community. So for example we had him help laying the table and taking his plate/cutlery back to the kitchen. Seems simple, but set in the context of being a team and all helping each other to reduce the load it both helps them to see the community, see it positively and to see that they have a role in helping it function.
You might already be doing this but if not it might help. I think for some children, the first time they need to establish themselves in a community outside of the family home is when they start school, and we need to help them prepare for this.

She's five and she's only been in school a week or two. At home she is the eldest, the leader in all the games and loved by you and her df. She's probably used to getting her own way, and that is not a failure in your parenting, it's just the norm for her situation.

In school she is none of those things. She's just one in a class and will soon learn that she has to share, take her turn, listen to other people's opinions. That's normal. Give her until xmas, I'm sure she'll work it out.

I wonder if she’s finding that the other children don’t want to do/play exactly what she wants, and she sees this as being mean/leaving her out. If she’s not used to being flexible. I remember my niece being like that.

You can help to to build friendships by inviting another child home for tea/a play after school. Do that once a week and she’ll soon have some friends.

Have you talked to her teacher? What's their opinion? Is she actually getting teased? How is her behaviour?

Starting school is a big change and not all children will settle in easily and quickly.