Step parenting advice.

[Nn10]

So long story short, my boyfriend found about he had a son, he has been removed from his mums care along with his siblings so they are looking for him to come live with us. We both met him when he was basically a new born but at the time didn’t know it was his son. We meet him for the first time in a few weeks and looking for a bit of advice on how to be with him? Will it come naturally? Getting a bit stressed out on it all

Thanks for any advice given!

If he's coming to live with you full time, and is still really young, then I actually think you'll soon fall in to it really quickly.

IME Usually the problems with step parenting come with having to share responsibilities and attitudes to parenting, factor in the other parent, and deal with uncertainty, anxiety and potential resentment from a child who is used to the status quo.

How old is he? Is he coming straight to live with you full time or is there a settling in period?

We need more info. How olds the child? Do you already have children? Are you taking on his siblings?

@Nn10

So long story short, my boyfriend found about he had a son, he has been removed from his mums care along with his siblings so they are looking for him to come live with us. We both met him when he was basically a new born but at the time didn’t know it was his son. We meet him for the first time in a few weeks and looking for a bit of advice on how to be with him? Will it come naturally? Getting a bit stressed out on it all

Thanks for any advice given!

He is 3 and a half at the moment, we have what the social work call a “centered approach” so we go meet him a few times and go out for a few hours to see how we are with him. We are going for a joint case meaning both of us will have equal parent responsibility legally.

Hopefully you will get support from the SW and his foster placement. If he's been removed then significant ongoing neglect or abuse must have occured with his birth mother (you will no all about that but don't have to share here).

Any issues you have will not be about step parenting in the usual sense - they will be around adopting a toddler who may have some kind of attachment disorder. I'm not sure what kind of relationship you already have with him. It's very difficult for anyone to advise when we don't know the details.

I would say though that getting your support network in place is key, even if that is a local group suggested by your SW. Keep whatever routine he is used to in place for now and make changes gradually. Don't bad mouth his mother around him, no matter what she's done - he's too young to understand and she's still mummy to him. Follow his lead and expect a regression in behaviour/ development. Settling in will take a lot of time - be consistent, he will test your committment, keep calm and make sure you and your partner have the same expectations and approach.

Finally, take a the support you are offered and fight for more if it's not enough. This placement cannot break down for this little boy, no matter how hard it gets.

Will start of by saying good luck taking on everything.

Hopefully you have a decent SW team. It's in everyone's interests that the right thing works for your boyfriend's son. No one is expecting you to be 100% perfect parents out of the box, and you may have the feel of being watched by SW in the early days, even if its all for perfectly good reasons.

Feel free to ask your social worker(s) any questions that come to you. I'm sure they will have heard most things before and I doubt they will judge you for asking a question you might think is silly/stupid. Better to ask than not.

Also, feel free to ask on here.

Good luck and all best wishes @Nn10!