My 11yo DD told me yesterday she hates being a girl. She hasn’t gone as far as saying she wants to be a boy because she doesn’t know if she does but I think that’s the next step. That in itself isn’t a problem, I have suspected for a long time, and she told me she has felt this way since she was 7.
My problem is that she absolutely refuses to wear a bra and wants to wear a binder instead. She has done a lot of research which is why I am sure it’s a permanent choice.
But everything I have read and know is that it’s not a good idea to wear them for long periods, especially not when you haven’t finished growing yet.
She starts Yr 7 on Friday. Including the bus, she’s going to be at school from 8.15 to 5.15. All the advice says this is too long to “bind” for.
I even have a trans (F2M) friend who is going to come and have a chat with her and they agree it’s not a good idea.
But she told me she HATES her body and wearing a bra just draws attention to the fact she is a girl.
However, if she goes to school without one, she is big enough that not wearing one will also draw attention, especially when getting changed for PE etc.
I was up till nearly midnight with her last night looking at bras, crop tops, T shirt bras, bra vests, anything that might be a compromise, but nothing was right.
She is really looking forward to school and it’s the school where most of her primary school go so she will have lots of friends. She is saying she wants this to be a new start and she wants her new school to know her as “someone different “. But my worry is that it’s too much to deal with all at once, plus I don’t think it’s safe.
The school has a strict uniform policy and she’s happy to stick to it as long as underneath she can do her thing, she says.
I have already had to talk her out of having her hair shaved down to a grade 1 all over because the school rules are that girls aren’t allowed it that short (unless “unavoidable”).
I feel like I am being asked to make a choice between having her happy or healthy and I don’t know what to do.
For context, she is diagnosed with ASD and anxiety so we have to tread very carefully anyway or she has a meltdown, plus she takes most things very literally.
I suggested we speak to the GP and maybe get her referred to a specialist purely because I need her to be told by a professional what the risks/advantages are to binding, and she agreed but in the meantime I have an 11 year old starting school in five days and I need to persuade her to at least “conform” a little bit until we can start getting our heads round things.
Anyone with any similar experience, or advice, please?