5yo & constant rage

[qwertypie]

My son is 5 and is constantly flipping out about the most minor & unexpected things & it's making me crazy. I don't know how to handle it.

He will scream, growl, bang stuff & just generally lose his sh*t for ages, following us around and shouting at us if we try to get ourselves/give him some space.

So far today, he has lost it because:

• I asked him if he wanted breakfast without realising that he'd already eaten
• I didn't hear what he said the first time
• The handle on a telescopic broom wouldn't stay fixed in place
• I was in the toilet when he wanted to use it
• I was sitting where he wanted to build a train track

There's never any build-up - he just explodes. What do I do? I'm locked in the bathroom just now because he kept losing it while we were playing together.

Now he's enraged because we own some tablecloths that we never use (they're the wrong shape). Of course, why wouldn't this cause a child to fly off the handle???

I understand how tiring a difficult child can be but you need to take charge and not be the one in the bathroom, no matter how hard it is.

Children aren't simply naughty without a good reason.

It may be that they have autism or another disorder, in which case you need to see his gp and look at getting help if needed.

Otherwise he is acting in this way because it gets him what he wants. For example if by having a meltdown, he gets what he wants plus a treat sometimes to settle him or later in the day to make up for it. Then you are rewarding him for his bad behaviour and he will not only continue it, but find new ways to get upset for another reward.

Thanks for your reply.

He's definitely not autistic and I don't think he throws a fit in order to get what he wants. He just doesn't know how to handle feelings of frustration yet and I don't seem to be able to help him... We talk about taking a deep breath or asking for help when he starts to feel angry or frustrated, but I wonder if he's too little to implement this all the time or what? I know many adults even still struggle with this

It is always difficult on here without all of the information, but there will be a reason for his behaviour and finding out what is the cause will help you get your sanity back.

We foster children and there is always a cause as to why they have problems that other children don't. Normally the answer lies in finding out what got them there and fixing that rather than just addressing the behaviour.

Sorry I couldn't be more help.

Children aren't simply naughty without a good reason.

Well... they can be angry and act out when they are trying to come to terms with how little control they have over things / their own lives.

This can be exacerbated by things like developmental changes and even just tiredness.

It’s really just the tail end of the tantrum stage. I wouldn’t worry too much OP. Just be consistent and always tell him what you expect of him. And praise good behaviour (I know some people are against this but I’m very pro-praise).

I’m not sure there is a reason always though. Other than the individual triggers - lots of children are quite angry at this age.

Is he worried about going back to school soon? Is there chatter about that, that he may have picked up on without you realising?

Mine can be like this but there’s always a cause, and when you find the key you can tolerate it better.

Thanks all for your comments

@Mamette, I hope it's nothing to worry about and is normal. I don't know any other kids who explode like he does, but then again, I don't see what other kids are like alone with their parents.

@anon444877 Sometimes it's easy to see the cause (hunger, tiredness, etc) but other times it doesn't seem so straightforward. He loves school and has been back for a couple weeks, as we're in Scotland.

What are the consequences for his behaviour? How do you act before and after?

*during and after

If he’s been back at school a couple of weeks then it might be that. My five year old was a complete wanker for the first half term last year even though he loved school it really tired him out and make his behaviour much worse than usual as he was working so hard to hold it all together at school

Yeah I wouldn’t rule out tiredness due to being back at school even though he seems to love it. You can love parties but still find they are hard to calm down from. It’s a big change after so long in lock down, even if you welcome it.

He's been like this since well before even lockdown. He's always been very intensely temperamental and it's shown up in different ways throughout his life so far (as a baby, he used to scream the place down whenever we had visitors, for example...).

I don't think we can institute consequences for him having intense emotional reactions. He's not damaging anything or physically hurting anyone. The 'natural' consequence is that people don't especially want to play with him if he's continually flipping out.

I've just always been at a loss in terms of what to do (if anything) while he's losing it.

I’ve got two exploders myself, one of them runs off to a tent until they’ve calmed down (this is the far easier case, they calm themselves down best when allowed to run off at home), the other won’t disengage but will eventually calm down if i hold her in a weighted blanket (wants my reassurance/attention/tight hug to calm down).

Does it only happen at home?

I do think it’s emotional regulation issues that cause this for my two.

Sorry @qwertypie - it’s so tiring when you feel there’s no strategy that works. I imply noting but there are several online courses for helping autistic children deal with meltdowns and these may have some ideas that work for you.

Lockdown, back to school, it’s been a lot of strange stuff for our dc to cope with and the new normal isn’t a lot like the old normal.

I reckon you’re right not to impose consequences for loss of emotional control - it rarely helps. I found the colour monster books helpful for talking about emotions, as well as cosmic kids on YouTube (zen den).

Sorry if comments aren’t helpful.