Help Requested Please - Hate Being "me"

[Romansolider2014]

Hi all.

I don't want to type this as it makes it real, but, I am currently hating my existence. Dramatic but true. My beautiful boy was born in autumn 2019. I love him very much, that has never been an issue.

In the last month, I have started to seriously struggle with being a mother, mat leave and just life. Before the trolls get keyboard happy, I know I am lucky in many ways, and I have felt guilt for feeling this way.

Yesterday I lay in bed crying because I missed my old life so much (DS was with husband after work). My husband and I always had a wonderful relationship but it has changed post baby. We feel distant and snipe at each other. We try weekly meetings where we listen to each other without judgement. I just miss things the way they were. I knew life would change with a baby, but I was naive as to how much.

I miss freedom and not constant child care. I miss waking up and not staring at the ceiling, dreading the day. My boy was 6 months when lock down started, and we were both really enjoying groups. I am in a local lock down area, so things are still restricted. I am sick of waking up every day not knowing where to take him, wanted to show him the world and for him to meet other babies but having zero options.

I have lost my zest for life, am irritable, snappy and feel like I have nothing left to give. Each day I get up, exist, and go to bed. I have spoken to a professional and was screened for PND but didn't score highly. I am just so sick of feeling "meh". I look around the house at the mess and think I can sort it out, but our DS is demanding and wants attention or to be held. These days I try and let him play a little on his own, but it doesn't last long.

The past two days I have really struggled. My beautiful boy is looking at me to entertain him with his beautiful eyes, and I don't have it in me. I just want to sit and cuddle with him, he wants to play. I don't blame him, but I am struggling with it - it is boring and I am struggling to force myself to do it anymore. If things were open, we would have gone to a class or group so he would have had fun and i could have, if I wanted to, just sat there.

I am sick of trudging through every day. I love my son very much, but I didn't sign up to being a mother when society is shut down, not functioning and there are no outlets where someone else can entertain the baby for a while.

I am writing to this to ask (whilst I appreciate any replies will be anecdotal) PLEASE tell me if you felt like this, if it gets better, how and when you started to feel better. PLEASE tell me it won't always be the long, boring days. PLEASE tell me I will feel like a person who matters again (rationally I know I can control much of this stuff, but I feel too far gone at the moment).

I feel better for having a moan, so thank you to anyone who reads this. I have friends and I am honest with some, but not many. We don't have GP help, but we do use a sitter sometimes.

Sorry to hear you are feeling down. It's a hard time in lockdown with a baby. Of course babies are cute but sometimes you just want some adult conversation. I think you just need to make a few changes so you can cope better, get through this lockdown and remember we will meet again as The Queen said. I think just force yourself to have a bit more of a routine where you get stuff done and get out walking. Keep busy and stay connected with friends online and by phone. Take your mind off things by watching TV or listen to music.

I’ve two children one 3 yo and a newborn and I’m fed up of being in the house, nothing small child suitable open, open spaces very very full in my area. Lock down is making me feel rather down
You have lockdown coupled with the massive life change that a first baby brings. My relationship was really rubbish at around the 6-12month mark. We have overcome almost all issues ( I can live with the last few and I presume he can as well). It does take time to adjust.
Every stage is new, that’s hard as well.

Maybe think about a half day or two session a week at nursery or childminders to give you a break. I’m a much better mother for a few hours off. Make a list of places you can visit and things you can do out of the house. We go to watch the trains. A list of indoor activities as well. Then when you feel bored you can look at the list and pick something.
It does get easier or at least changes and they soon can do a bit more and enjoy things like baking. If all else fails and you need a sit down there’s always CBeebies on the iPad!

Reading your message I get the impression you believe the reason for it is mainly your child, but it sounds more likely that it is a combination of a few things.

It also sounds like you may be depressed, a common symptom is a lack of energy or desire to do anything, tiredness and feeling unable to cope.

The most important thing is don't blame yourself for the way you feel. You are in lockdown, you can't see your friends and neither can your husband. Your child is a bundle of energy in a confined space, desperate to learn but in the same 4 walls. You have lost your freedom, the things that you hold most dear and you are living with 2 other people equally as frustrated. The reason I spell this out is because it is alright to not be happy right now, it is normal to be a bit fed up, frustrated and even angry so don't blame yourself for feeling that way.

The good news is that 6 companies are on the final phase of a vaccine. Hospitals have done amazingly without a cure to find the best ways to treat people, massively increasing the survival rate. Schools/nurseries are open next week and local lockdowns aren't in place forever.

A few things that we have done during lockdown that I hope may help you are;

Bought things that children can do on their own such as trampoline, pool, toys. There are very reasonable bulk used toy lots you can get on Ebay, keeping them busy for hours.

Walking has never been my thing, but surprisingly enjoyable just to get out anywhere during lockdown. We bought a baby harness and they love just taking in the world, so you go where you want rather then following them everywhere for a change.

I feel the same and I’m not even in a local lockdown area. Are you going back to work? I am looking forward to that as a bit of a break from the long days of entertaining a baby!

People don't tell you before you have kids that's it's tedious and frustrating and there are some days when you'd like to just leave the house and never go back, but you can't because you love the little bugger(s) so much.

Sorry op, the only advice I can give is that you don't have to play with your DC all the time. They need to learn to entertain themselves. I have 2 under 2's and they are both able to occupy themselves (although have just started my own thread on the older one having started being a bugger, so am clearly having limited success with that one at the minute)!

Don't feel bad about putting your baby in a bouncy chair in front of the tv for a bit. Or letting them mooch about on the play mat or travel cot or floor etc. Don't insist on being what you think of as a perfect parent who does all the right things. Irrelevant of what you do at this age (within reason obviously), it's not going to be important to what happens as they get older: a bit of tele isn't going to affect your child's brain development. A few minutes of whingeing here and there and learning they have to entertain themselves isn't gong to hurt them.

Good luck op. I hope you have some better days soon, but if not, might be worth speaking to your GP. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Tomorrow is another day, and in 12 months time this will all be a distant memory and there will be something else you worry about and this will seem like nothing!

I think lockdown has totally changed so many peoples experiences of parenthood, it helps so much to be out and about and sociable in the early years so to have that taken away or diminished is hard.
A good routine really helps. I became a single parent just before lockdown and having a solid routine saved us all. Good structure, a 2 hour daily walk (whatever the weather!) and lowered expectations of the day because just getting through to bedtime with everyone happy is an achievement in itself.
I definitely second trying to book your little one in with a local nursery or childminder for a few hours a week, just so you can have some time for yourself. It makes all the difference. On a normal school week I have 2 mornings a week from 9-11 where I’m child free and just those 4 hours a week help so much. I could clean, catch up on jobs, or just sit down with a coffee and a bacon sandwich and chill. I also have a part time job which again is a good escape and makes you feel a bit more ‘adult’ again.
Good luck OP, as another poster has said, tomorrow is another day. You’ve got this

Yes, I have felt all these things and yes, it does get better. However for me, the balance of work, me time and child care is key. It sounds like you don't really get a break and some of the issue with your husband might be because he simply doesn't understand how hard it is.

As pp's have suggested, nursery/child minder a couple of sessions a week, or even you husband cutting his hours/ working flexibly, might give you the break you need. Could you go back to work part time? It makes the time you do spend together much more rewarding.

Sorry you are feeling like this. I also felt like this too after my first child and we weren't in lockdown. I found the relationship with my partner really broke down after having my son (2.5) now. We never used to argue but think the sleep deprivation made me very snappy and him very, very annoying! I can't remember when things improved but they did enough for us to have a second child who is 3 months and now we are back arguing all the time again! It is much harder with it being lockdown too.

Are you going back to work at all? I did find that helped me as then you are at least you at work still and not DC's mummy. Also trying to get back to hobbies you did pre baby helps.

thanks everyone for replying and for listening to my pity party. I am going back to work at the end of Sept, part time, looking forward to the rest. I am the main breadwinner, so will see how we go financially etc.

DS is going to nursery for those work days plus a morning which I will get to do things or just sleep . So am lucky i will get that. things at the moment are getting on top of me, feel suffocating and I just don't see them getting better at the moment . I know eventually in the future, they will, whatever happens with DH and I.

so happy people have talked about wanting to run away, arguing and rubbish relationships. i can relate to these so much. have left the house to leave DH with the baby so I can sleep in the car, DS been ill so not had sleep. sleep deprivation probably explains why I hate my existence, but I know rationally it wont last forever.

I have also adjusted my expectations- basic contentment is all I am aiming for. I did read that humans are fickle, and now and then you won't enjoy your life. it is just about surviving.

love and luck to you all X

I know you said you did a PND screening but are you sure you aren't affected? Maybe worth talking to the GP again?

I suddenly became a fairly happy and competent mother when I went back to work. Partly the break, partly the adult conversation and using my brain, partly it coincided with better sleep (we did a little gentle sleep training). The combination just turned the lights back on in my head again.