Older children and the "getting a job" conversation

[shackbleep2000]

Hi there

DD and her BF finished university a couple of months back. They've moved in with with myself and my partner, who has been stepmum to DD for 10 years (not always an easy relationship), a deal we were ok with, no rent/bills, just them paying for some of their own food, with the expectation that they would be working to get jobs and get themselves towards independence. We talked about this at the time, and agreed that my partner and I would occasionally ask how it was going with the job search, but we were expecting it to be tough and wanted to not be too in their faces about it.

We said we'd review the living here arrangement 6 months after they moved in, or earlier if it seemed to be not working. They said they'd be looking for any job, not necessarily their dream job.

At the 3 month point, DD has had a few interviews, nothing concrete has come out of it yet. BF, no interviews we know of, and doesn't seem to be doing that much by way of searching, mainly doing computer games. Day-to-day its kind of ok - they seem to keep themselves mostly to themselves.

My partner and I are feeling a bit taken for granted at this point, esp by him.

Obviously I'd like to be as supportive as reasonable towards my DD, and not wreck my relationship with her.

We have reached the 3 month point and feel its time for a more serious chat. Any ideas/suggestions on how to approach this would be really appreciated!

Thanks in advance and apologies for long posting!

I’ve just had a very blunt conversation with my 18 year old, who isn’t going to university. I made him claim universal crest, partly so that he could have some independence but mainly to get the guidance from the job centre. They will make him apply for jobs.

We live in a big city and yet there is still very little for someone with no employment experience. So we’ve told him to get a voluntary job too for that.

It's difficult my dd just finished uni this summer . She does have a job however but it's just a zero hour contract job that's she's had throughout uni . It's still a job all the same she's been able to work more hours but it's late at night sometimes and she doesn't drive .
We and her dad are encouraging her to apply for jobs that she's studied for but I'm realistic it's difficult out there .
I've asked her to contribute some money now to bills and she does buy a lot of her own food .
She's a hard worker but she does lack the motivation and I won't lie if she's still in the same position this time next year I'll be disappointed but it's her life .

I always find these threads entertaining. OP talk to your DD and BF - they need to contribute to the home. Threads like this always give posters like @CherryPavlova to post about their wonderful children and their own fantastic parenting - which never helps the OP and must make them feel a bit worse.

I had this to an extent with DD who graduated last year. I wasn't too concerned that she wanted time out up until about Christmas - and she started shelf stacking for Sainsbury's in October as a way of making some money while figuring out what she could do with a psychology degree. Easier because there are only two of us, we have always split housework so she did a bit more of it.

It was pressure from her friends rather than from me that had the effect of her signing up with agencies, both local and online, having interviews and starting a job just before lockdown. She still had from July last year to March this year not doing that much, which I hadn't anticipated but on reflection don't think was too bad. She had no idea what was out there in the working world, and I went straight from university to accountancy training so wasn't much help.

It was obviously (to anyone not embittered) about disputing the notion that it’s impossible to get any job, let alone jobs that pay enough to be worthwhile.

I expect she’s pleased to be out of the house all day, cherrypavolva

Get DDBF to become a professional poker player and then keep his winnings.

Or divvy up the household chores and make him clean the loo.

@chatterbugmegastar
He uses Superprof, which takes no commission but doesn't advertise widely so few leads. Or Mytutor (they don't recruit all the time); which takes 50% commission. Mytutor has generated far more business.

@Aquamarine1029

After only three months I wouldn't say anything especially considering how difficult everything has been for several months.

When the boyfriend has doesn't done fuck all aside from playing video games, I sure as hell would be saying something.

Well, Aquamarine, I wouldn't be housing the boyfriend in the first place :-). It seems odd to me.

However he may be applying for jobs and the op just doesn't know.

This is why parents should encourage their kids to get jobs as soon as they are legally able to ie age 14-15.

Totally agree

need to be doing something productive, either seeking work or helping around the house.

Definitely!

Hanging about freeloading off the op and doing nothing to contribute isn’t on.

@cherrypavlova my sons started on more as they're engineers, but my (seriously skilled and respected) daughter is on far less. It depends I guess if your children are going purely for cash or for pleasure in their jobs.

If they can't find a job, then I would encourage them to volunteer. As an employer I don't like seeing gaps, I would rather see evidence that they are developing skills, have work ethic, can work with people. The longer gap is the more noticeable. Also for some careers they may have to move locations to get that first step on ladder, how far are they casting their net. Do they know what they want to do?

[quote mrwalkensir]@cherrypavlova my sons started on more as they're engineers, but my (seriously skilled and respected) daughter is on far less. It depends I guess if your children are going purely for cash or for pleasure in their jobs.[/quote]
It does, I am sure. Hers is a stop gap so it’s about saving for a move to London during the next few months.

@CasuallyMasculine, indeed you are right. She’s going a little potty being ‘on holiday’ with us for a fortnight and a few months of sitting around watching us work or acting as unpaid PA wouldn’t be good for relationships.

Interesting to reflect that as one of the lecturers who may be teaching MN'ers children next year, I will be earning less than what CherryPavlova considers acceptable as a temporary stop gap for her newly qualified daughter. My parents must be hanging their heads in shame.

It’s one thing that you are financially supporting your daughter while she enjoys all the perks of adult like with none of the responsibilities, but I really don’t understand why you would take on the financial burden of feeding and housing another adult.

Time to tell them that the holiday is over and you need X board money from BOTH of them by Y date or they can both move out. In particular the boyfriend has 1 month to find a job or he can go and sponge off his own parents.

@CasuallyMasculine, indeed you are right. She’s going a little potty being ‘on holiday’ with us for a fortnight

Why I am not surprised to hear that?

Agree with @TheProvincialLady it is time for the BF to go home.
I wouldn't worry too much about @CherryPavlova. She always likes to make comments which bring her attention from other posters.

I agree with wentawaycameback that boyfriend needs to go.

As for the rest, the op agreed to them staying there for six months whilst trying to find work and we are only half way through that so I think that agreement will present a problem. They may well have started jobs before the six months is up, we just can't see into the future.

Thanks a lot for all the thoughtful responses and great suggestions. Apologies for delay in saying thanks - had a different family challenge to deal with elsewhere!

We had the conversation with DD and her bf. Kept it low key, just asked how it was going, didn't give them a grilling, asked what sort of places they were looking for. We also offered to help if they wanted a 2nd pair of eyes on an application form or CV. I think it went ok.

Universal Credit - they're getting regular phone calls to find out how its going. Aside from the first phone call they each had, which was quite detailed, all the folllow ups (apparrently) seem to be "well I can see you're registering lots of applications on our portal, good luck, you'll get there soon"

BF does have an interview later this week now, so fingers crossed!