Struggling with decision to have child #2. Feeling guilty

[laurahills]

Hiya all... I have a 2 year old DD. She is a handful but she is lovely and I really enjoy being a mum... well 80% of the time these days lol

I always thought I was "one and done" as I am an only child myself and it's just what's normal and comfortable for me. But since DD turned 18 months or so I've been wobbling.

DH is desperate for another. The annoying thing is, I cannot seem to get comfortable with either going with another one now or staying "one and done". Each time I tell myself I'm done, I can't settle with it, something keeps nagging at me saying "you'll regret it if you don't". I've been agonising for 6 months now... I just don't like the idea of having to pay attention to two DCs and am afraid it won't feel special like it does now.

Thing is I'm quite happy with it just being DD and I feel very happy. It's just DH really wants another and I do truly think I'll look back 30 years on and wish I'd have had two DCs. I get very very broody and achy around babies and toddlers.

Frustrating as I felt equally as ambivalent/scared/wobbly about having DD while I was pregnant with her and it ended up being the best decision I've ever made. Don't know when my luck runs out though.

I imagine going for it though and I just feel awful guilt for having one more. I don't know where this is coming from. Maybe my own upbringing? I don't want my DD to ever be jealous or feel that she's "less than" because I had another baby. Got no frame of reference since I do not have siblings. Seems like a good share of the adult siblings I know never talk but a few times a year and just bicker so I wonder if anything's all worth it in the large picture.

My other fear is the bickering and generally how much more work two DCs is than one. I don't want to ruin a good thing. I've heard it's more than twice the work and I've also heard it's hardly any more work at all. So what do you believe.

Otherwise though we have good finances, a decent house, childcare, etc... no other circumstances leaning us either way.

Struggle with anxiety and overthinking which I am sure is not helping.

Can anyone help me out here, have you ever felt the same and what happened? What sort of things can you te

I think it’s a very personal decision. Think about your personality and how well you deal with stress. I went for two after originally planning on sticking with one, but now feel like maybe I took on too much. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in eight months.

I felt a bit like that when I was pregnant with DC2 but for me the benefits to my DD of having a sibling both through childhood and adult life far out weighed any negatives.
I think how you find it depends on your DC and I guess general life; I had my second DC in Feb and it’s not more than twice the work; it’s been easier to go from 1 to 2 compared to none to 1; I do have less time to myself in the day but that’s normal with a baby and will come back with time and a lot of things have combined well.

I think 2 young children is a going to be harder than 1 (but as a pp said, not harder than 0-1). However 2 older kids is often much easier as they entertain each other. Unless they constantly fight. Sorry, Not much help but what I'm trying to say is think of it as another person in your life not just a baby/toddler. Maybe you'll still feel you don't want/need that but that's actually what the decision is long term.

I felt like you did - only child here too. Couldn’t imagine ever loving a child as much as my first; felt it wouldn’t be fair to have another and not be able to give the same attention etc. And then DD2 appeared as a happy accident, which rather took the decision out of my hands!

I’ve been enormously lucky in that my two are genuinely best pals. You can’t guarantee that. But it’s one of the greatest joys of my life watching the two of them together - how they interact and the relationship they have with each other. It’s made me feel very sad that I didn’t have a sibling myself to experience the same sort of relationship.

Going from one to two is more work - obviously. But you reach a point (in my case, when the little one was about 2.5/3 and the older one 4/5)
when they can play together pretty independently and don’t need you to entertain them. And then I found it’s a lot easier having the two of them. I was certainly grateful for this over lockdown as they were never bored and had a lot of fun at home together. So it’s swings and roundabouts.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

The best thing I ever did was to give my DC1 a sibling. They absolutely love each other and We can’t imagine life without DC2. They play together, entertain each other...as an only child when the child gets a bit older they will need to be played with and that will be down to you and DH...and that will be hard!

DH is desperate for another.
Factor into your decision making how much actual practical and emotional support he gave you during pregnancy and after the birth of your first, as well as taking over a good chunk of the mental load of your life together. So life admin, his attitude towards your maternity leave, looking after the home, cleaning, laundry, doctor's appointments for your first, childcare costs/arrangements for two vs one, etc. 🌹

I felt very similar with my first DC. I was one of two growing up and it was 18 years of war which was badly managed by all the grown ups concerned, we're ok now (miracle). So I was expecting two dc to be awful.
However, what I hadn't known was how much dc1 would blossom by being a big sibling, how it brought out a side to his character that wouldn't have been seen otherwise (in a good way). It was hard work to have two children but as the baby stuff was easier second time round it balanced out.
I devoted a lot of attention to aiding sibling relations by giving them the tools to resolve conflict (listening, words that can explain why you're upset, modelling empathy and understanding. Even very young you can do that by saying things like, 'i think you are upset because it didn't feel fair when... So shall we do xyz and that will help?') and how to share (swap, take turns, or half each when the house is fair the desperate rivalry goes), the benefits of sharing etc etc
It was really hard work (but after my own childhood I was SO motivated 😆) but so so worth it as they soon began resolving their own conflicts and now you could go into a 1000 houses and not find siblings who get on better.
If you don't feel done, you're not, I think. 🙂

Just my personal point of view:
Tbh I don’t know any siblings in real life who aren’t close- very much a mn thing in my experience. So we all bickered growing up, doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. I do think- and have said on many a thread- to raise an only child you either need to be an extrovert parent (play dates, lots of effort to meet people) or have an introvert child (who likes playing alone etc). I don’t want/ can’t imagine being my child’s only play mate at home etc- too much pressure. I’ve also never met a child who felt less loved because of a sibling, children just accept things. Also you don’t have to have siblings really close in age- I’m lucky enough to have chosen and been able to have a 3yr age gap (which I consider small) so my eldest is more independent and goes to nursery and we won’t pay two lots or childcare by the time she starts school. But my sister and I are 5yrs apart and super close.