Partner unable to hold baby

[Cemus]

Hi all. I’m the grandad and am posting on here as I have concerns about my daughters partner. They have a 2 week old baby and even now he is unable to hold the baby properly so is essentially not helping her at all!
This is the most basic skill and I find it unbelievable that he cannot hold him after two weeks, he cannot move him from one position to another, cannot move him quick enough if he starts to choke on his milk, cannot wind him. He has been shown time and time again but still cannot do it.
Have any of you had partners like this? Are you someone who struggled in the same way?
Hoping to ascertain whether there is something else going on here - in that he is putting this on

I have met people who have struggled like this with babies. Does he have any learning needs that would make it harder for him to learn new skills, or understand and remember new information? Is there a reason you think he might be putting it on? Either way, it sounds very frustrating for your daughter. I am guessing she is getting help from you?

Nope. No learning needs etc. Intelligent guy who works with his hands for a living but for some reason cannot move the baby from one position to another!

And yes, getting loads of help from us but I worry when she returns to work in 6 months as there’s no way the baby can be left with him, especially when she is on night shift

Is he scared of breaking the baby? I think lots of people, including/especially those who haven't had much experience of holding babies, struggle to manoeuvre tiny babies.

Do they have a Moses basket or similar?

Is he ok holding the baby in one position?

Just a thought, could he actually be scared of 'hurting' the baby, she/he is still so very small at 2weeks and if, I guess, he's not had any experience of a small baby, he may well be very nervous..
By the time your daughter goes back to work in 6 moths, baby will be a lot bigger and he will be more confident by then..

In what way ‘can’t’ he wind the baby? What does he actually do when he tries, or does he just not try?

I do know someone whose partner was very very anxious when their baby was born and was so terrified of hurting it that he found it difficult to do very basic baby care without panicking. He ended up seeing his GP about it and did get a lot better.

Has your daughter told you this is a problem or is this just what you have observed? Lots of people are unsure/fumbly etc when trying to do things in front of parents, inlaws and the like, just through nervousness of getting it wrong. The same way people can be fine with their own babies but very cautious when picking up and holding a friends baby.

My DH was like this when our daughter was born. He was terrified of accidentally hurting her. I just gently encouraged him to hold her more and more. I'd hand her over to him and then go for a shower or a nap. If he was holding her and she needed winding, I'd verbally coach him on how to change her position, without getting up and doing it myself.

It's a good job women don't suffer from this affliction. Babies would just be left lying, needing fed, cuddled and changed and their mums would just be standing looking at them wringing their hands.

My husband was that same with our DD. Really cack handed when holding her. Wouldn't move a muscle if he was handed her for fear of hurting her. She is now 5 months old and he is much better. It just takes time for them to get used to it.

My husband was like this with our now-6 week old in the first few weeks, flapped around picking her up, didn’t like to switch positions once she was up and ended up with a little folded dumpling of a baby when he tried to wind her. She’s our first and it was really just fear of breaking/dropping her, rather than anything deliberate.

He’s absolutely fine handling her now he’s had more practise and she’s a little more robust than in the newborn weeks.

He took her out for a couple of hours to give me a break at one point and I think being able to learn by himself, on the job as it were, helped him as being shown repeatedly how to do it then having me stare at him and hover around while he picked the baby up just really stressed him out.

I would say it’s coming from fear too.
The best thing to do is encourage the mum to still hand over baby so he gets some hands on experience.

Because if she doesn’t, I would be worried he will then learn that he just can’t possibly look after a baby/child, doesn’t know what to do , the routine etc etc and will refuse to do anything at all.

FWIW, he might well not do things right but I suspect he doesn’t out said baby in danger. When babies aren’t confortable, they let you know loudly. So I would be tempted to just leave him to it and let the baby teach him what is working or not.

A lot can happen in six months.

Maybe he is scared of breaking the baby/scared to do these things in case he gets it wrong. Do you hover over him? Maybe he feels under pressure/agitated if he feels that his every move with the baby is being scrutinised and that in turn leads him to do things wrong. If you berate him everytime (not saying that is what you do) then that probably makes him even more nervous the next time.

There is an outdated belief that only women can have difficulty with their mental health after a baby. It isn't true. A new baby is big upheaval and men can struggle and need help too. Maybe take him to one side and have a nice, non-judgemental chat, man to man. He might open up to you.

Your post doesn't come across as overly supportive tbh.

@Namechangeforthis88

That's a bit harsh. Some women struggle too. Some women even abandon their babies in public toilets or put them in a dustbin because they can't cope. It's that sort of derogatory mindset towards new fathers struggling with babies that make them feel that they can't open up about how they are feeling.

My dp was the same when dd was a newborn. He's a big bloke and he was terrified of hurting her. He used to carry her in the car seat to see his parents who literally only lived a few doors away; he didn't have the confidence to hold her in his arms.

He was much more comfortable and hands on once she was an older baby and seemed more robust.

There are plenty of other things that your dd's partner can do to help and support her. There's not much chance of him gaining confidence if he feels that he's being watched and criticised.

The only logical explanation is that his scared of hurting the baby or he doesn’t want to be responsible for the baby so acting like he constantly needs help.

Unless he refuses to do nappies, bathing the baby, changing the bed sheets I would assume it’s the first reason.

It was a bit, sorry. Yes, women do struggle, but for the most part they just have to get on with it, whereas some of these men are enabled to just back out of things they find difficult. Women often don't have that option.

@Namechangeforthis88

It's a good job women don't suffer from this affliction. Babies would just be left lying, needing fed, cuddled and changed and their mums would just be standing looking at them wringing their hands.

I struggled when my nephews were tiny because they seemed so fragile. I'm a woman.

I got over it but for the first few weeks I was definitely worried about breaking them!

Thanks everyone. Starting to feel a little more reassured. He has had loads of support, no criticism. He recognises he is not doing well and says he feels he is letting mother down yet he blames her for his inability, for example, she has been breastfeeding (just stopped due to mastitis and an infection), he blamed her breastfeeding for him not to be able to bond!!! Now he can bottle feed he avoids it saying he can’t do it although mother also lacks confidence in his ability to do so as he cannot move baby or wind him. I just find it hard to believe that he cannot hold a baby and move it around after 2 weeks! Maybe, after reading your responses I may be being too harsh.